One of the most common techniques used for building self esteem is the use of affirmations. Affirmations are things you tell yourself on a regular basis to “affirm” your personal strength, beauty and value. Affirmations are great, but unless there is a real belief in what the words represent, they will do nothing for your true self esteem. To get at your true self esteem, you must dig a bit deeper; and for this purpose I recommend writing about your life.

The Brain Dump and Building Self Esteem

Ever since I started “brain dumping”, I became a big believer in its power. A brain dump is simply a process used to get all of your thoughts out of your head. The goal is to bring out all of your conscious and subconscious worries, fears, and doubts so that they do not eat away at you over the course of your day.

Each little morsel of your brain is valuable real estate. Part of your brain holds the knowledge you will use to solve problems. Part of your brain holds thoughts and feelings of happiness and excitement. Part of your brain holds your potential for creativity.

The more space in your brain that is taken up by worry, doubt, frustration, sadness, etc.; the less space you will have available for positive thoughts. This is where the brain dump becomes important.

To achieve a successful brain dump all you have to do is get out a pen and notebook and start writing. Just keep writing until you are finished. I like to write for at least 20 minutes, but sometimes it takes longer to get out all the mind-sapping troubles.

If you have a problem in the forefront of you mind, start writing about it. Keep the pen moving until you have gotten all of your thoughts out on paper. Write whatever is on your mind, no matter how ridiculous or pointless it may seem. You are not going to be graded on this. No one will ever read it. You won’t even read it. It’s simply a matter of getting your thoughts out of your head.

Once they are out of your head, you will have freed up some valuable real estate to begin building positive thoughts.

Building Self Esteem Post-Brain Dump

Now that your brain is dumped, you are primed to begin building self esteem. This is where your affirmations will be more useful. But I’m going to take the idea of an affirmation a step further. I want you to take a few affirmations and write about them as a part of your life. Do this immediately after your brain dump.

Here is an example of such an exercise:

Affirmation: I have the power to be happy.

I have the power to be happy. I have the ability to allow myself to be happy. I understand that my negative thoughts, worries, and fears have no power over me. I realize that at any time I can flip these negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones. I see the world in a unique way, a way in which no one else can see it. This tells me that I have the power to control the way in which I view things. This power includes the power to allow myself to be happy even when things aren’t going perfectly around me. Today, the weather isn’t so nice. It’s raining outside, but that doesn’t have to stop me from being happy. I have a lot of work to do today. This gives me an opportunity to create great things, so I will put my full self into my work. I may be all alone right now, but that will not last forever. There are a lot of people in this world that care about me, some of whom I may not even know right now. I will go out and find these people. And when I do, I have the power to be happy with them.

Do you see how I expanded upon a simple affirmation and made it personal? I then took some examples of things that may normally challenge this affirmation and displayed for myself the power of the affirmation when it is utilized. This fosters belief. This builds power.

This builds a true, free-willed self esteem.

Belief in Self Esteem

Once you’ve accessed your true self esteem, it becomes time to utilize it. The utilization of true self esteem is a belief in your power. Once you believe in your power, you will walk through life glowing with a real aura of self esteem and self confidence.

Remember, self esteem is not dependent on outward things or other people. Self esteem is dependent upon the way you view your life. You have the power to view your life in a positive way. This power is a gift. Give this gift a try and you will begin to want to use it more and more.

Self esteem and self confidence go hand-in-hand. They are both a matter of belief and trust in your power and ability, and they are a realization of your beauty as a unique and special person. Make good use of these powers and you will experience a great life.

Matt Maresca is a writer, entertainer, and motivator. His goal is to help others experience life for all its great potential. On his website and blog at MyLifeMotivation.com, you will find self improvement advice, including topics such as building self esteem and self confidence.

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Not so long ago, influence was claimed as a matter of birthright. Now, even for the highborn, influence is a skill that is honed with dedicated practice, feedback and reflection.

Here’s how to be more persuasive:

Being right doesn’t equal winning

Too often people get stuck in a trap of thinking that if I’m right I should win. You won’t. It’s a terrible flaw – and I’d advise you against it.

Truths are subjective – and both parties must accept them as true or they’re just opinions. And haven’t you ever noticed how often what people think should happen is quite often what they want to happen?

More than we’d like to admit, we structure our beliefs based upon emotions and desires rather than facts. Understanding that is the core of powerful persuasion.

Understand why they want what they want

Develop a keen understanding of your audience. If it’s one person or 6 billion, find out what they want. Do not assume that you already know. You don’t. Ask them lots of questions, and seek to be surprised.

Ask them about what’s important to them, and then what is important about that, and so on, until you reach a really fundamental human emotion like ‘So I feel safe’ or ‘Then I feel needed’. When you do, you have reached the core of what’s important to them (about that).

[It can be difficult doing this and not sounding like a therapist – but try. A bit of “Oh wow, okay. Why is that?” in a conversational tone can help]

Identify which are the logistical challenges, and which are the emotional triggers.

The logistical challenges might include:

• Time constraints
• Financial constraints
• Other (laws, travel, prior commitments)

And emotional triggers might include:

• Appearances (How will this make me look?)
• Internal struggles (How do I feel about this?)
• Happiness (Does the idea of this make me happy?)
• Trust (Do I feel comfortable?)

Handling the logistical challenges is a matter of being flexible – “What about if you paid in installments?” – and that is relatively simple. But logistics will probably not be at the root of whatever is going on. Aren’t there times you’ve made crazy decisions, that you couldn’t really afford to make, simply because you wanted to so much? Make them want to, let them find a way.

Copy their wording exactly

Copy their wording exactly. If you paraphrase, your wording will quite likely make them want to reject the idea because it sounds unfamiliar. To them, feeling ‘safe’ might mean something similar to ‘security’ or it might be closer to ‘intimacy’ – you won’t know, so just copy them. You want your audience to feel as if you understand them really well, and using their wording will create that illusion.

Asking questions can simply be a matter of repeating their statement with an upward inflection so it sounds like a question: “So getting married in a church is important to you?”

Let them agree with you

The act of asking them questions and repeating their wording will encourage them to keep saying ‘Yes’, and this has a very powerful effect. The more times someone says yes to you, the more likely it is that they’ll agree with your final conclusion.

People will feel compelled to maintain any view they’ve stated publicly, so it’s also important that you don’t let them state their objection to whatever you’re persuading them to do or believe. They’ll stay stuck with that rather than admit they’re wrong. So don’t go straight for your goal, and if you think they’ll disagree, start asking more questions.

Make them like you

For them to like you, they must feel alike to you. That was a stupid sentence. The more you can subtly mimic their patterns of speech, choice of words and body-language, the more they’ll experience the feeling ‘This person really gets me’ – and as you are similar, you’ll naturally adopt similar views.

If you do this overtly, they’ll feel mistrustful, so be natural and just get into a mindset of being like them. If they are introverted, keeping their limbs tucked to their body and head bowed, then do that. If they speak loudly, then match that. You’ll gain insights into their way of seeing the world, too.

Sell them an experience

Then, backed with a full understanding of how they think, what they feel and what’s important to them, create an experience. Still mimicking their style, gently nudge them towards your goal.

If safety is important to them, emphasize the safety, using their words. If they like adventure or excitement, make it appeal to that. If they have a competitive streak, then set it as a challenge. Ideally, it should feel like their decision.

Then, really set a scene: “When you’re there, standing at the open door of a plane as wind rushes around you, an instructor strapped to your back. When that green light comes on…” Make it visceral and engaging, using as many senses as you can; the new car smell, the first-date nerves, the sound of dolphins.

If you’ve attached positive emotions to it, and woven it into their core values, they will feel compelled to follow.

Clinch it

If you’ve convinced them with facts, then you’ll need to clinch the deal straight away, before their emotions create some rationalizations to change their mind.

There are various techniques for this – the ‘double bind’ is a famous one: Offer them a false choice – like ‘Would you like me to call you, or would you prefer that I text you?’ – so either result is in line with your goal.

Generally, if you’ve done your job well, it can simply be a matter of letting them stew on it.

Emotional changes take longer but are more sustainable, so giving them private time to adjust is probably advisable. Leave a door open for them; give them a business card or some way of taking it forward. Make sure it’s simple and personal.

Voila!

You’re now someone who knows many of the elements to becoming a powerful persuader. Now, practice it – over and over. Convince people of strange facts, to do things, and to do things they were already going to do. Try things out and see what works for you.

Harry Key is a ‘provocative speech and confidence coach’ based in London. He teaches people and businesses how to get the results they want by engaging with the world in a confident and congruent way. Visit http://www.harrykey.com

The power of words never fails to inspire.

Below are 15 of the best motivational quotes and a much needed early week pick-me-up.  I hope you enjoy:

A #2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere.

Joyce A. Myers

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

Aristotle Onassis

Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant.

Robert Louis Stevenson

The best way out is always through.

Robert Frost

The questions you ask determine the quality of your life.

Mr. Self Development

Believe you can and you’re halfway there.

Theodore Roosevelt

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Norman Vincent Peale

It is by acts and not by ideas that people live.

Harry Emerson Fosdick

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.

Jim Rohn

Mankind is made great or little by its own will.

Friedrich Schiller

Nothing is impossible; the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!

Audrey Hepburn

Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.

Swami Sivananda

Give light and people will find the way.

Ella Baker

Ideas shape the course of history.

John Maynard Keynes

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

Edith Wharto

Thank you for reading, please pass along or add your favorite quote below.

Mr. Self Development is an author who teaches a motivational and practical guide to success. Please visit him at Mr. Self Development.com.

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Who would have thought that two little letters like ‘un’ could have such power?

An innocuous little word, no, a prefix in fact but when added to words to make uncomfortable, unknown, unfamiliar – it has the power to make grown men cringe with fear.

Perhaps it’s magic. As Sigmund Freud said “Words were once considered magic…do not despise the use of words” [specifically in psychotherapy in his case].

Or maybe it’s not magic. Perhaps it’s something more visceral. The founder of the field of General Semantics Alfred Korzybski would call a bad physical-emotional reaction to a word or concept – a semantic reaction.

Do people really have bad reactions to words or concepts? I think you know you do (grin).

Just complete the sentence “Don’t talk to me about…?” or “I have a real problem with…x?”

Whatever the answer, especially if it makes you feel un-comfortable(!) – this is the thing with which you have a semantic reaction.

You literally cannot mention some subjects with some people. Ask someone who has been really, really hurt and betrayed to talk about ‘love’ or ‘commitment’ or ‘trust’- and get out of the way of the flying pans!

What people are reacting to are the meanings they have given to these concepts, these ideas. And concepts are built of meanings.

A concept is, essentially, a way for your mind to categorise and recognise items in the world. Your mind creates a category description such as ‘cat’ and then you build up a list of criteria by which you recognise it.

Take the example of the concept of a ‘loved one’.  How do you know they are who they are?

Because they respond to their name? That is not enough. Because they look like the person you love.

That’s not enough either because my wife gets confused with her sister all the time: it is the fine details which makes the difference. It’s the exact pitches of their voice, the exact creases around their eyes, the way they say your name.

And then there’s the more abstract concepts such as ‘success’. How do you define success? It’s an important question which most self-help books will ask you? Why?

Because someone else’s concept of success might not work for you.

What about Howard Hughes, who died with millions in the bank, hiding in a filthy room with a chronic dirt phobia and fingernails so long they were talons.

Or another multi-millionaire who said that he would exchange all the money he had for one happy marriage.

Were they successful by their own standards? I doubt it but perhaps they didn’t think of that until it was too late.

As Jesus said: “What does it profit a man to gain the world and yet lose his soul?”

What indeed?

So, back to words beginning with ‘un’?

How do you do when you realise that some feeling is (un)familiar or (un)certain?

What about when something is ‘unknown’? Is it? Really?  Have you ever considered that things are very rarely 100% un-known?

After all, if we’re dealing with other human beings – are they totally unfamiliar entities? Do you know nothing at-all about the other person? Absolutely nothing about the situation? No idea at-all what to do.

If so, then you can say “‘yes’ it’s totally un-familiar.”

But the truth is, it’s actually more a case of how you process the concept and you may be doing it using an ‘either-or’ linguistic formula: Either it’s 100% familiar – or 100% not. And this creates polarities in the brain where you think you have everything familiar, known or certain – or nothing. Very stressful.

Basically, we tend to equate unfamiliar, and unknown with something bad when in fact it’s simply just…not familiar…not known…not certain.

How, is that inherently bad? Did God decide that the ‘unknown’ was evil?

If so, surely He would have made us with omnipotent powers! No, lack of knowing something is a very human, very natural and normal condition.

Not knowing is simply that, a circumstance or a state of ‘not-yet-knowing’. It’s the meanings you give to that not-knowing that count. And that comes back to your concepts.

You need to start finding the familiar in the un-familiar and the known in the supposed unknown. For instance, if you were to say “I don’t know how to finish” – well, maybe not this project. But have finished before? Have you finished anything before? Of course you have. So how did you know you were finished then? Can you use anything you learned there, here?

Secondly, what is your concept of ‘unknown’ etc?

List out the meanings you use: What does ‘unknown’ mean to you? If you find it means ‘fear ‘then consider if that is the most useful definition!

What if, instead, every time you felt one of your ‘uns’ you mind went “AWOOOOOGAHHHH! Oh joy! Learning on its way!!!”

What if you got REALLY curious about the unknown? What if you got excited? What if you couldn’t wait to find out what there is to know?

How would that affect your life for the better?

Your concepts or definitions of the world make a HUGE difference to how you live your life. Mostly, we go around unaware of how we have defined our world and ‘right in our own eyes’.

Yet there are 7 billion people on the planet and we are all ‘right’ – to ourselves.

One of the definitions of wisdom in the Bible is the ability to make distinctions between good and bad, and what works and doesn’t work.

You need to be able to check how well your ‘map’ of the world, the criteria you use to deicide what to do NEXT works for you.

You need to be able to examine your own thoughts and understand that they are only a mental ‘map’, a symbolic re-presentation of the world around you. And a map is only as good as it is an accurate re-presentation of the ground it stands for.

A map…can be redrawn. And concepts can be re-conceptualised. It’s just a question of believing they can…and knowing how.

Robert Dilts, in Sleight of Mouth says: “A core belief of NLP is that if you can enrich or widen your map you will perceive more choices available to you give the same reality. As a result you will perform more effectively and wisely no matter what you are doing.”

Your concepts are a KEY part of your reality. Once you change your concepts – you can and will change your life.

If you want more specific help re-constructing and deconstructing your life concepts then you can get the downloadable audio product: Change Your Concepts: Change Your Life from Living Words at: http://www.livingwords.net/change-your-concepts-change-your-life-mp3-course

To your highest and best,

Douglas Cartwright

Do you ever find yourself saying “I can’t”? Sometimes, it’s perfectly reasonable: I can’t drive is simply a statement of fact, if you haven’t yet passed your test.

But often, I can’t is loaded down with self-judgment:

• I can’t draw.
• I can’t sing.
• I just can’t stay organized.
• I can’t ever get it right.
• I can’t lose weight.

How often do you say “I can’t” when it’s, at best, a half-truth? Maybe you really think that you can’t draw – but is that just because you’ve never actually tried? And if you can’t get organized, or quit smoking, or lose weight … do you really mean that you won’t?

“Can’t” Saps Your Power

Whenever you say you can’t do something, you’re reinforcing that message in your mind. For years, I told myself that I couldn’t draw. I’d never really done any drawing – apart from a few compulsory lessons in school – but I knew I was no good. I couldn’t draw people. I couldn’t draw still-life arrangements. I couldn’t draw anything.

Then I picked up a copy of Betty Edwards’ Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and realized that the only reason I couldn’t draw was because I’d never tried to learn. I had a go at some of the exercises in the book, and pretty quickly found that I just didn’t like drawing.

That’s okay! It’s fine to not want to do something. But it’s important to acknowledge that, if you wanted to, you could. If I really wanted to learn to draw, I could finish the book, or go to a class, or spend an hour or two every day with a pencil in my hand.

Changing that “Can’t”

If there’s something in your life which you’d like to do, but which you can’t do, what’s the “can’t” and what’s the real reason behind it?

Maybe it’s one of these, or something similar:

• I can’t quit my job and start working for myself (because I’m scared that it’ll all go wrong)
• I can’t lose weight (because I don’t really want to)
• I can’t quit smoking (because I need some help)
• I can’t get organized (because I don’t take the time to establish a good system)

I know that some of the things that you “can’t” do are big, emotional, tricky problems. You might want to talk to someone – a trusted friend or relative, or even a professional coach or counselor – to work through some of these areas.

Usually, though, it’s rare that there’s anything which you really truly can’t do – if you put your mind to it.

To change a “can’t” into a “can”, you might need to:

• Get more information – from books, websites or people who you know
• Build up your confidence – by taking small steps
• Become more determined – perhaps by finding a group of like-minded friends (e.g. a slimming club)
• Admit that the only thing holding you back is you

You’ve Overcome Lots of “Can’t”s Already

Once, you couldn’t do very much at all. You couldn’t walk, talk, or feed yourself.

Even when you were at school, there were loads of basic things which you couldn’t do. You couldn’t cook, or drive, or follow a map.

Throughout your whole life, you’ve been facing new challenges. Some of those might have been huge at the time – like when you first left home – but they seem pretty small in retrospect.

It’s the same with all those things that you can’t do today. They might seem big and challenging – almost impossible – right now, but they’re not. Plenty of other people have tackled and conquered the same things (and they started out from just where you are right now).

What would you love to do which you think you can’t manage right now – and how’re you going to change that?

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Words That Overcome Fear and Dread

Words That Heal and Empower

Everyone knows sex sells. Greed sells too, and again, this is something we all know. But little did we know that the really big, best seller of all is FEAR and it’s companion, dread.

Here are some current ‘epidemic’, ‘impending’ ‘catastrophe-in-the-making’, brilliantly-marketed FEARS: Fear of recession, depression, terrorists, war, disease, food, air, climate change, computer crashes, natural disasters, breast size, impotency, break-ins, drug czars and addicts, immigrants and aging.

Here I focus on an area closest to my own experience as a physician-psychiatrist: the fear of illness and dying. As you read about overcoming and transcending this fear, think of it as an effective metaphor for the other fears listed above. When you come to the end reread the piece substituting each fear.

Start with this fact: To fear our body is a powerful way to create disease. Why is this? Because fear is about being attacked and when you think you are going to be attacked you are both hard-wired and soft-wired for flight or fight. This, in simple terms, is bad for your physical health when carried on continuously or repetitively on an intermittent basis. Your body is not set up to be constantly on the alert for danger or shocked repeatedly by the unexpected. It is not necessary to go into the physiology of why this might lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke and even cancer. Here is the rub: If fear can be created it leads to disease thereby proving that the fear was warranted. This is every politician, salesman and businessman’s dream: to create a need for snake oil.

In the external world we no longer buy a car or a house just for comfort and to raise a family, former symbols of success and stability that they were. We now buy an alarm system surrounding a car or house to protect us from an attack that is inevitably coming.

Similarly in our internal world, in the case of fear of illness, we are taught to wait to be attacked from within by scary pathogens of all types, prions, viruses, bacteria, fungi, worms or ravaging cancerous cells. We are then inundated with words and images encouraging us to attack back with drugs and vaccines. Television sets, both advertisement and news, are now literally more like warning systems for an impending attack, even if it is a sneak attack like impotence. Get them, (it), before they, (it), get us. This simply doesn’t work to ease fear; it creates fear. In the process a lot of drugs are sold in pharmacies and in the streets, for when you are talked into fear and then become an attacker you solidify the idea that attack must be coming and complete a circle of dread. If I need one drug, then I must need another. If I attack anything I inevitably will be more afraid as I wait for retaliation.

The facts are that, as I point out in the book, your body is a perfect part of the perfect whole always healing itself. It is an error to think your body is defective or that you have a basic fault, or that you are split and separate from a perfect whole. The words you use to overcome fears are central to your sense of peace of mind and joyful living.

Focus the words you choose on wholeness and unity and thereby stop ‘buying into’ fears such as the fear of illness and the enticement to attack and demonize your body. As you see you are part of larger wholeness your immune system is strengthened so your body can naturally do what it does best, serve as an amazing communication device.

Put your attention on remembering yourself. Make it your intention to do the following simple exercise daily. With your eyes closed take a deep breath in and repeat these three phrases ten times, morning and night as you breath out: 1) I Won’t indulge in fear and I Won’t identify with my body 2) I Will love the world and I Will forgive myself and others, and 3) I Am whole and healed. I AM LOVE.

As you work these Three Words, Won’t, Will and Am, you will begin to experience recovery from their healing power.

Dr. Clark Falconer is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain. He is a practicing Psychiatrist from Vancouver, Canada and the author of the new, critically acclaimed book The Three Word Truth About Love And Being Well. To receive daily tips on the power of words follow Clark on Twitter.

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Photo credit: Lrn Megan

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