In life, stuff happens. People get sick.  The IRS calls. Then, just when you think it can’t get any worse, the dog throws up on your shoes.

And that’s before you’ve left for work. What do you do when you don’t know what to do anymore? Here are ten ways for you to develop your resiliency – your ability to bounce back from the challenges in life.

1. Acceptance

Ugh. People hate it when I talk about acceptance because they equate acceptance with giving up. Actually, acceptance has more to do with giving in than giving up. When life throws you a curveball, your immediate response is usually to resist what is happening. This is a form of denial, which is okay for awhile, but at some point, you need to see the situation for what it is and go with it rather than resist it. The key is to accept life as it is, rather than what it should be.

Acceptance is a big topic that needs its own article, but for now, here are a few more components:

• Being okay with emotions, even when they’re “bad.” This means it’s okay to feel however you want about a situation and not saying to yourself, “I need to keep a stiff upper lip” or “I guess I shouldn’t be angry about this.”
• Realizing that accepting a situation doesn’t necessarily mean that you like it. I think this causes a lot of confusion for people, too. “How am I supposed to like the fact that I’m losing my house to foreclosure?” You don’t, but you do need to accept the reality of the foreclosure so you can develop strategies to address the situation.
• Being able to hold two opposing thoughts or feelings at the same time. This one is kind of tricky, but it has to do with acknowledging opposites like “I love my kid AND right now I can’t stand him because he’s being defiant.” Or, “I’m relieved that my dad died and is now out of pain AND I want him back.”

2. Social support

Even though you might think you need to “tough this out alone,” it really doesn’t help when you’re trying to overcome a problem. Going it alone leads to feeling isolated and immersed in your problem. You have people who love you and want to help, even if it’s just to provide a listening ear. Be okay with sharing your circumstances with at least one close friend or family member.

3. Perspective

I recently asked a woman who had been downsized out of her job how she made it through that difficult time. I was surprised at her answer. “You know, Bobbi,” she said, “I chose to expand rather than contract. I used this as an opportunity to learn new things rather than focus on it only as a negative in my life.”

There are always different angles from which you choose to see a situation. Try a few new ones!

Here are a few more ideas about perspective:

• Stop ruminating. Rumination is going over and over something endlessly; it’s a way you try to fix a problem but it doesn’t get you anywhere. Try to stop obsessive thinking about the problem and realize that you have some good things to fill up your life, too.
• Remember that you have made it through past challenges. This isn’t the first problem you’ve had in your life and, unfortunately, it won’t be the last. It’s really important to realize that you have made it through tough times in the past and you will this time, too.

4. Stay in the moment

This will help you not ruminate about the problem or fret about the future. Grounding techniques can help with this – paying attention to your senses: how does the desk feel under your fingertips? What do you smell in the air right now? What do you hear? Focus on those sensations for a few minutes to stay in the current moment.

5. Problem-solving

Now that you’ve accepted your situation, have some perspective about it, and have your support system around you, it’s time to do something. Use these quick steps to develop a plan (it helps tremendously to do this with other people. You get more ideas and different perspectives.):

• Define the problem. Sometimes what you think is the problem really isn’t. Use your problem-solving group to develop a very specific definition of the problem.
• Has anything worked in the past to solve this problem? If yes, do it again! If no, move to the next step.
• Brainstorm as many different solutions as possible. This means to generate ideas that might even seem silly at first.
• Narrow the list of solutions. Now is the time to toss out those ideas that absolutely won’t work and keep the ones that will.
• Develop an action plan. Use the workable ideas to form action steps.
• Create accountability. Have your support system check in with you to make sure you are following through.

6. See what you can learn

Since life has handed you lemons, this is a good time to not only make the proverbial lemonade, but lemon meringue pie, lemon tarts . . . you get the idea. Like my friend above who chose to expand rather than contract, there are always things to learn about yourself, the world, and others when challenges arise. It’s a tough way to learn them, but sometimes it’s the best way, too.

7. Find the gifts

The sand that irritates the oyster eventually makes a beautiful pearl. You may not see the gifts in your situation right now, but have faith that they are there. I have heard many women with cancer talk about the unexpected gifts they experienced: finding out how many people truly loved them, learning how strong they were, being able to help others also going through cancer.

The gifts are there, just be open to receiving them.

Psychotherapist Bobbi Emel specializes in helping people face life’s significant challenges and regain their resiliency. In addition to seeing clients in her private practice in Los Altos, Ca., Bobbi is a well-regarded speaker and writer. You can find her blog at http://www.TheBounceBlog.com

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Challenge is an opportunity: make it gold or a tough stone, it only depends on you, you are your own alchemist.

Every time you overcome a challenge, it will lift you up, build you strong and make it easier for you to overcome your next trial. But if you surrender to the challenge, it will downsize you, break a piece of confidence in you and make it harder for you to overcome it the next time. It’s like building muscle – the more you train it the stronger it will become. Once you lift 50 lbs, then adding 5 lbs more is easy. By adding a harmless 5 lbs each time, with consistent practice you will eventually lift a magnificent 100 lbs of challenge, effortlessly. But if you give up on your first 20, 30 lbs, you will never build strong enough muscles. Make a decision now – do you want to live with powerful muscles or saggy fat?

Personal story: I overcame my food cravings by passing over my favorite food stores again and again.

I used to be obsessed with all kinds of sweet and fatty foods. I ate deserts all the time: before, between and after meals. Then later I found it was not a healthy habit. So I decided to quit it and it was hard. Every time I pass my favorite stores, I struggle. There were thousands of voices inside me arguing: Should I eat that cake? Oh I shoud not eat that sugar coated poison! Should I devour those crispy chips? Oh I should not shovel that junk into my stomach! Should I get that insanely rich chocolate? Oh I should so not be tempted by that dark evil sin…The voice was loud and I was on the edge of breaking down. But somehow I pulled out the last drops of willpower remaining in me and managed to pass by the food store once, buying nothing at all. I felt extremely uneasy until I got back home and tasted my first joy of small victory: it was delicious. Then I passed by the seductive food stores again, for the second time. It was a little bit easier because last time I did it nothing horrible happened except I felt extremely proud of myself. And I made myself pass those heavenly-scented bakeries and fast food chains again and again, each time getting bothered less. Now I have my diet healthily streamlined and I am so happy that I made the first few tough choices towards fighting my food addictions. It built good momentum for me to coast by the rest of the temptations easily and smoothly.

I also transformed my lifestyle into an active one by adding exercise one dose after another.

I used to be an inactive person. I was sitting behind my desk at work for 8 to 9 hours every day, commuting to work and everywhere else by taxi and subway, sitting in my couch at home and sleeping for one third of my life in the bed. I was involved with zero exercise at that time and lived with very low energy and spirit every day. Then I finally felt sick of it and chose to add some movement to my life. I changed my office job into a part-time one and applied for another part-time job working in a bar. So I made myself stand hours in the venue and walk around customers all the time. The first days were a “standing hell.” My feet were screaming “You fat lady!” all day and night. But I stuck through every minute I wanted to give up, telling myself “Everybody in this business stands full hours just fine. You can definitely do it too! Let’s hang on for one week first.” And after that one week, though with sore muscles everywhere I still came up with the conclusion that, “This is actually bearable.” So I hung on another week, then one more after that… until it’s been four months now and I feel as comfortable as a fish in its pond to stand 20 hours a week in the bar. And I didn’t only stand in the bar for those four months. It was just a small trigger that activated the rest of the revolution. I soon fell in love with bicycling. I rode my bicycle to work, to meetings and to many romantic spots in the town. I was on the road for a minimum of one hour every day. I also got myself involved in a “stand up computer” project and was standing at the computer four hours everyday on average. It has become my most comfortable position to play with the computer now. I also touched up my life with dancing and stretching. Whenever my body feels stiff I give myself a good stretching and a round of dancing too if the mood is there. Basically I became quite an active person now and this is not at all hard as I so self-convincingly imagined in my couch for the past years. I am so happy that I made the first tiny steps to walk out of my comfort zone. Soon I was catching up with the rhythms and running spontaneously.

So what is your challenge that you are afraid of? Face it now, conquer it and let it leverage you even stronger.

If you are too timid to speak up for yourself in daily life, then regardless of your fears, force yourself to say one word out of the heart every day. At first, you will only mumble nonsense and totally sound like a nerd. But just keep throwing the balls, you will eventually hit some targets and organize clear sentences.

If you are suffering in your current life but don’t think you deserve a better one, then you will keep living in the suffocating situation. To breathe new air, you need to step out of your dead zone. Once you buck up and make the first courageous step, then adding a few more steps is not that a big deal and soon you will walk farther away from the cave you hated.

It is always easier to do nothing about the challenge and remain in the status quo. But I strongly suggest you choose a harder choice, fight with your challenge and let it lift you to a higher position with more beautiful views. Once you get started with throwing a few bold punches into life, you will soon feel comfortable to box with those opponents you thought so tough and tall. And later you will get so good at your skills that you must call in stronger competitors to the ring to match the game and have more fun. Be that aspiring boxer in your life.

As Nietzsche put it, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

With economic and personal financial worries becoming part of many individuals’ daily lives, dealing with a major life transition can become overwhelming.

Whether you have prepared for it, like getting married or having children, or it came unexpectedly, like a sudden illness, job loss or family member death, it is important to prepare emotionally and mentally in advance when possible. For some, the stress from these changes can be crippling and lead to a downward spiral of negativity that can impact professional and personal lives over time.

The first step to avoid the common pitfalls is to be aware of life’s five major transitions, which are:

• Marriage/Having children
• Changes in career (loss of job, retirement, etc.)
• Mid-life crisis
• Divorce or family death
• Personal health issues

Almost all of us will experience a few of these during our lifetime, so being able to manage these situations in a healthy manner is crucial.

Napoleon Hill, one of the greatest philosophers of the 20^th century and author of all-time bestselling success book “Think and Grow Rich,” addressed how our mindset can make or break our ability to conquer life’s greatest challenges in his 1938 manuscript, “Outwitting the Devil.” The work was finally released this summer and provides insights on how each of us can overcome personal challenges.

One of the major reasons that individuals struggle so much with life’s transitions is they let fear control their thoughts, causing them to either get caught in a hypnotic rhythm or stall from moving forward. For example, a woman getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage can be paralyzed at the thought of having to be the sole income provider or manage her own finances. Instead of finding solutions to her fears, she could be in danger of letting that worry become completely consuming.

The key to overcoming fear is to commit yourself to be purposeful and successful in life, even with your emotional well being. Below are seven guidelines to squash fear and “outwit the devil” in your own life, no matter what life scenario you find yourself in:

1.     Definiteness of Purpose. When faced with a life transition, look deep within yourself to find what makes you passionate. Is it your career? Your family or children? By identifying your purpose in life and the things that fulfill you, it will be easier to move past major stressful situations and have confidence in knowing you can and will move forward.

2. Mastery Over Self. You may not be able to control outside stressors, but you can control your own mindset and physical well being. Stay away from addicting habits, like smoking, excessive drinking and unhealthy dietary habits. Maintaining your personal health goes hand in hand with maintaining your emotional and mental health.

3. Learn from Adversity. Every life transition provides a learning opportunity that can be so profound it changes your perspective on life after you have moved through it. For many individuals faced with adversity, they convince themselves that an experience is a huge failure rather than recognizing it may just be a temporary defeat. Although it may be difficult in the thick of a crisis, think about how it may help create fresh opportunities. We have seen hundreds of success stories of professionals who have lost their jobs and found after the shock wore off that it gave them the flexibility to become an entrepreneur, travel or try something they otherwise wouldn’t if they were still employed.

4. Controlling Environmental Influences. Stay away from negative presences and surround yourself with positive and friendly associations. This is often easier said than done, but when faced with a life-changing situation, it can make a huge difference in how you deal with your new life.  For example, a recently married man with dozens of single friends who don’t believe in marriage will influence him negatively if he does not have a strong sense of definiteness of purpose (sustaining a healthy marriage).  He could help control this situation by eliminating those negative influences and finding supportive, like-minded friends.

5. Time. Avoid reflecting on whatever changes may be happening in your life that are not in your control and focus on positive thinking and developing wisdom on how to deal with those changes. Spend your time and energy on creating a positive future. Hill writes, “People are not born with wisdom, but they are born with the capacity to think, and they may, through the lapse of time, think their way into wisdom.” By using our ability to think and analyze our experiences in life, whether successes or failures, we can gain wisdom.

6. Harmony- Act with definiteness of purpose to become the dominating influence in your own mental, spiritual and physical environment.

7. Caution. Think through your coping plan of action before you act. Especially if you are in a fragile emotional state, avoiding rash decisions will keep your stress level at a minimum. Remember, there is no such thing as “do-over.”

If you feel alone in your quest to banish fear from your life when preparing for potential high-stress situations, remember that Napoleon Hill faced a great amount of adversity before achieving his high level of success. Inspiration for “Outwitting the Devil” was a result of the adversity he faced and the rut he found himself in after several business failures and even a time when the mafia was looking to kill him. After fearing for his life for more than a year, he had an epiphany that pulled him out of his depression, which lead him to record his advice in “Outwitting the Devil.”

Remember the seven principles that Hill used to “outwit the devil” in his life, and you too will be prepared for whatever life changes come your way.  Armed with this seasoned wisdom, you will reach the success you so richly deserve!

Sharon Lechter is the annotator for Hill’s “Outwitting the Devil,” which was released in June 2011 and is available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble nationwide. This book outlines the factors that keep each of us from achieving our true purpose and offers seven principles to overcome fear and outwit the devil. Lechter is also the co-author of bestseller “Three Feet from Gold” and co-author of the international bestseller “Rich Dad Poor Dad.” For more information, visit www.outwittingthedevil.com or www.slechter.com.

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Do you feel as though you’d accomplish so much more in your life if it wasn’t for all the obstacles in your way? Perhaps you’ve started on the journey towards numerous goals over the past few years … only to get knocked off course by all sorts of things.

If you’ve ever been on a diet, you might have faced obstacles like a vacation, Thanksgiving dinner, a box of chocolates, a busy or draining week…

If you’ve tried to write a book, your obstacles might have been social obligations, a lack of time or space to sit down and concentrate, no feedback or support…

If you’ve never managed to save up as much money as you’d like, you may have come up against obstacles like your car breaking down, invitations to pricy events, the irresistible impulse buy, or the expenses of Christmas…

Perhaps you feel as though you did your best. You had good intentions, you made plans – and then all sorts of things came up to derail these. Deep down, though, you know that people do succeed in dieting, writing books or saving up money … and that they sometimes hurdle seemingly insurmountable obstacles in order to do so.

How can you storm past the obstacles in your path? Imagine you’re driving a bumper car around an obstacle course. If you barely put your foot on the gas, and just coasted along, you’d lose almost all your momentum every time you hit an obstacle. And if the course was just one big circle, you might end up drifting around aimlessly.

To get to your goals without being knocked off-course, you need to do two things:

• Increase Your Drive
• Know Your Destination

Increase Your Drive

How can you put your foot down on the gas and race towards your goals? Well, Pick the Brain is chock-full of tips about getting and staying motivated, so you might want to have a browse through the other articles here! Here’s a couple of quick tips from me:

Don’t Run On Empty

You know what happens when your car runs out of gas. Just like a car, you’re not able to run on empty. Take time on a daily and weekly basis to rest and recharge. That might mean having an hour of “me time” each day, or making sure that you always finish work at 5pm on Fridays so that you can enjoy the weekend.

Keep Up Your Momentum

You use a lot more energy in your car by going from 0 – 70 than by staying at a constant 60. It’s often the same when you’re working towards a goal: it’s much easier to keep going steadily than to keep slackening off and ramping back up again.

When you’re working towards a long-term goal, like losing weight or saving up money, try to ensure that your efforts are consistent. Cutting your food intake or cutting your spending by just a little each day will pay real dividends – but it’s hard to get back on track if you let things slide for several weeks.

Know Your Destination

If you know where you’re heading and you keep your goal in mind, it’s easy to bounce off or ride straight over those obstacles in your path. You’ll want to know exactly where you’re aiming to be … and how far along the road you are.

This is why writing your goals down is so powerful: it makes them concrete. “I want to lose weight” is a vague goal, and you’ll never really know when you’ve succeeded. Try setting goals like “I want to lose 40 lbs” or “I want to have $5,000 in savings”.

Visualisation

You’ll have heard this recommended before, but I think it’s especially handy when you’re faced with obstacles or stumbling blocks on your path towards your goal. Spend some time, ideally a few minutes each day, visualising your destination. Imagine how it will feel to reach that goal: build a picture in your mind.

Just as your daydreams of the sparkling blue sea and golden sand can keep you going on a hot, long summer car journey, your visualisation of your feelings of health and pride in your new figure can help you lose weight – or your picture of security and no anxieties about money can help you stay disciplined with putting money into savings.

What obstacles are you facing at the moment? How will you gather the drive and direction to overcome them?

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