So many people live life in a constant state of anguish in their relationship. Either they don’t like their partner or they don’t like them enough. Everyone can improve their relationship to make it more satisfying. Yet, most people don’t.

It’s most likely because they don’t realize how significant love is in life. Love can improve your life in so many ways that we can’t possibly list them all here. However, I have chosen the top 5 reasons how love can greatly enhance your life in hopes that it may persuade people to finally take action on their relationship and make it one that they truly want and deserve.

#1 Love Energizes You

Think back to when you first met the love of your life. Just for a few moments, put yourself back in that time. How did you feel? Elated? Walking on air? Did you feel like you could do anything and everything? Now, think about what if you could have that feeling all the time. That feeling you had was being in love with your partner. Finding that love again could bring that incredible feeling back and give you that love for life that you had once before.

#2 Calms You

When you come home, do you instantly release yourself into your partner’s arms? No? Well, wouldn’t that feel nice? Just imagine if after a long grueling day, the both of you could come home and take comfort in each other, knowing that whatever happened during the day is now over and you can now relax with the one person who wasn’t part of all that mess during the day.

#3 Makes You a Better Person

Having love inside of you enables you to share it with others. This will show in your behavior as you open doors for strangers or hold them open for them. It shows as you stand in line and someone cuts you off and all you do is say, “It’s okay, you must be in a hurry today.” rather than the usual curse word. When you are in love, others benefit from it just as much as you do and that is something to be proud of because it makes you a better human being.

#4 Helps You Solve Problems

Life isn’t easy and there are many challenges along the way. When you truly love someone, you trust them completely to help you with problems. This can be a relief when your suck and don’t have a clue which way to go. Two heads are always better than one and when you love your partner, you’ll always have that other head on your side.

#5 Live Longer

Being in love will mean that you want to take care of yourself so you can be your best for your partner. You may exercise more, you may not want to get sick as much because it’ll mean not being about to spend time with them, and it also means that you’ll take precautions to protect yourself from an early death. Love also has physiological effects since it’s a natural stress reducer, which prevents many chronic stress related diseases, such as heart disease.

How much do you love your partner? It’s time to pay more attention to this area of your life. The New Year is coming upon us. Make a resolution to renew your relationship. Everyone needs someone that they can love and lean on in life – bring that wonderful feeling back into your life.

Marcelina Hardy is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. If you need help with relationship problems so that you can get to a point in your relationship where you can love again, please visit Relationship Repair. I am an experienced relationship coach with a passion to help individuals and couples overcome relationship problems and improve their relationships.

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There is a general statement of wisdom out there that claims that you simply cannot buy happiness. If you are unhappy inside, buying a new sports car or new jewelry or a new outfit will really not make any difference in the long term. These material things might give you an initial spike of satisfaction but it will usually be only temporary.

However, I once saw something very interesting inside a puppy care guide. On a full page, there was a wonderful photo of a cute Labrador puppy along with a text caption that read;

“Whoever said that you cannot buy happiness, certainly does not know about puppies!”

When you look at that photo and caption, you just could not help but put on a huge smile and if you are already a dog owner as I have been since 1979, you will also be nodding your head in agreement. Whoever came up with that idea with this full page is a real genius, and here’s why:

Pet People Tend To Be Happy People

In fact, if you look around at pet owners, especially those with dogs and cats, they are generally quite happy people. In my observation, the more involved these people are with their pets, the happier they seem to be.

I was out in one of our local leash-free dog parks the other day with my two dogs Chester and Roxie. What typically happens at these dog parks is that the owners would usually stand around and watch their dogs interact with each other.

It is hard to explain to non-dog owners but there is a sense of pride while we are all being fully entertained by the various antics that our dogs do with each other. I can say that while we are at the dog park, the rest of the entire world is pretty well shut out. Everyone at the dog park, both the humans and the dogs, are quite happy.

After the trip to the dog park, my dogs and I would return home to wind down a bit. As I am sitting on the couch, one of my dogs would climb on up on my lap and rest his or her chin on my chest while looking up at me. Even though dogs cannot talk, I can still imagine either Chester or Roxie saying something like,

Thanks for taking us to the dog park Daddy — we had lots of fun! We love you.

Again, there is a real, deep sense of happiness as well as companionship with this type of interaction between a pet owner and a pet. I am most certain that all pet owners reading this will be able to relate to this feeling.

Are Pets The Answer To Achieving Happiness?

So the question whether pets are the answer for achieving happiness can be explored. In my experience as well as that of other pet owners, there are indeed huge benefits with pet ownership, especially with animals that you can build a connection with. Although this can be open to some debate, I would think that it is easier to build a connection with domestic animals such as dogs, cats and birds, who can actively interact with humans rather than say tropical fish or turtles. But again, I can be wrong on this (non-dog/cat pet owners, please feel free to share your experiences in the comments section).

Of course being realistic as well, I realize that happiness is much more complex. Pets are of course not the total answer but they have definitely proven to be one element that can certainly contribute to our long-term happiness, unlike material objects such as jewelry or a new designer handbag.

Some people might claim that you can get the same type of satisfaction with raising children. This is probably true but there is a huge difference in my mind between pets and children. As all parents will have to agree, children, especially when they reach their teen years, will not always be happy to see you when you get home. On the other hand, pets and especially dogs are always happy to see you.

So I think to a great extent, the caption in that puppy care guide is correct. You can buy happiness if you buy the right thing. Just make sure that it is furry and has four legs!

Clint Cora is a motivational speaker, author and Karate World Champion. See his FREE 3-part Personal Development Video Series to learn how to expand your comfort zone to conquer even your most daunting goals in life.

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Finding Bliss: How to Reverse Engineer Happiness

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‘There are two driving forces in your life: love and fear.

Love is your higher self.

It is the place of pure intention and hope.

When your higher self drives your life you are on purpose and empowered. Life surges through you; you thrive and society thrives because of it.

Fear, of course, is its opposite and is your lower self.

It is, unfortunately, the place from where the majority of us exist. When fear drives your life you stagnate and die. You don’t live your true purpose and you become dark and heavy and the world suffers as a result.

Who is the driver of your life?

Who are you allowing it to be? How do you know?

Most of the time you don’t, as you are totally unaware of what is controlling you and your victim circumstances.

Ask yourself.

Are you living your true passion and purpose? Does life course through your body allowing it to feel light and powerful?

If the answer is no, then you are allowing your lower self  to control your life. It is a bitter pill to swallow but the truth is fear drives your life.

“But fear is a good thing,” you say, “it protects me and keeps me safe.”

Fear does serve a very important purpose; to warn you when you are in physical danger and this is when we should heed its call. At any other time, fear suffocates you and prevents you from knowing for yourself how beautiful you are and all you are capable of.

When Fear Drives Your Life

Fear once was the dominant driver in my life and I was dying inside because of it. Deep down I knew I was capable of more but my lower self was in control and I could just never allow myself to be.

I had gone through my life dreaming of becoming a writer. Writing was always my silent passion. It was the form I took as a child to express myself. It was where I felt most safe and most recognized. I could express my thoughts, opinions and ideas without it being criticized or ignored.

My lower self, though was always the driver of my life. This was the part of me that believed I was worthless and had no ability whatsoever. It was never shy to tell me so either. I would write from my heart and it would say,

“That is crap Caroline! You cannot write. No-one will ever read your words or be inspired by them. Don’t be so ridiculous to think you can do this.”

And so it went and I would put down my pen and give up on my dream. My lower self had me believe that it was just a far out wish; much similar to my one of being a rock star. That it would just never happen, and so I would forget about it.

The Struggle for the Higher Self to Win

My higher self was always there struggling to come out and be the driver. It was holding onto my dream for me and was trying to make it a reality- but it had so many obstacles to overcome first.

For years my lower self dominated and nothing I tried could make it take a lessor role. I was dying inside and living such an incomplete and unfulfilled life because of it. It was not living my life on purpose.

My higher self kept trying to surface and eventually, through much introspection and self-improvement work, allowed my lower self to finally recognize what my higher self always knew.

That I was powerful beyond measure, that I was worth sharing with the world and that I could be, do and have anything I wanted. I could make a difference.

My higher self now drives my life. It knocked my lower self to the ground and asked the fear to remain their only as a warning to me in those moments of danger when I truly needed it.

When your Higher Self Drives Your Life

I no longer just write my thoughts in the privacy of my journal. I am now regularly published across the net. I write two popular blogs that both have newsletters and podcasts; I have written a few ebooks and have almost finished my book on my experiences travelling the world inspiring others to do the same, and have just hosted my first teleconference on travel blogging.

I regularly receive comments from my readers as to how my words uplift and inspire them. I am beginning to live my dream and my purpose. I tell you this to impress upon you the absolute power there is in taking the time to work on yourself. You can move mountains and you can free your soul.

You came here for a purpose and for most of us fear holds us back from being who we truly are. We don’t even notice this so habitual are our limiting thoughts, beliefs and actions.

We need help to move aside those lower forces of fear and allow love to guide us into our purposeful future.

Now in my life when I reach a moment of decision or courage, I recognize so clearly the voice of fear telling me what I should do to become less. I did not know this voice before, it acted with me being so totally unaware of it. At times now the voice can get strong enough to almost make me follow it, but the driver in my life has changed.

I have moved beyond freedom into living a life on purpose. The fear is still there but I know how to control it. I know when to listen to it and when to use it.

I know who to allow to be the driver of my life.

Start Choosing the Driver of Your Life

What is possible for you? What is your higher self asking you to do? What is your lower self squashing that it shouldn’t be?

It will always remain squashed until you find a way to remove that fear and let love for yourself and all things be the greater power.

Fear does not want you to take control because then fear will no longer have any strength or power.

You need to know for yourself just how worthy and capable you are of living your true purpose. My mission is to help people become aware of their higher self and allow this to be the dominant driver in their life.

The choice is yours as to whether you will allow fear or love to drive your life.

Love is our higher being.

With love all things are possible. With love we thrive.

Imagine the world if we were all driven by love and not fear?

Bio: Caz Makepeace has been living and traveling around the world since 1997. She is co-founder of the popular  “y Travel Blog” where she shares tips, stories and inspirations on world travel. She also shares mindset and success tips for putting the mojo back into your life at her blog “Mojito Mother

Cultivating An Attitude Of Gratitude: Why You Should Bother

If you regularly find yourself feeling stressed, are constantly running against the clock, often wonder if there’s any point to it all anyway, and occasionally contemplate just burying your head under the bed-sheets and refusing to face the day then you might want to try something that’s worked wonders for me.
I’ll warn you – this might come off as a little corny at first, and you may wonder how it can possibly change anything. But the truth is that since I’ve employed this very simple 5-minute technique my life really has changed for the better. Not just my career as a blogger and freelance writer, but my health and fitness, and even the quality of relationship I have with my partner and my baby daughter.

But before I start to sound too salesman-y let me tell you what I’m talking about.
THE POWER OF GRATITUDE
The power of gratitude is an amazing thing. When you actively take the time to be grateful you’ll slowly but surely notice all the things you have to be grateful for. Things that you probably never really thought about and maybe even took for granted. I mean really – unless your typical is full of lottery wins, miraculous healings, and career breakthroughs – how often do you take the time to consciously be grateful?

YOUR DAILY GRATEFUL LIST

Try this. Take just 5 minutes each day to write a list of 10 things you’re grateful for. I like to do this in the evening for the day that has just ended. You can do it anytime, but I find expressing my gratitude at night really helps me relax and wind down before bed. Oh – and I’m not necessarily talking about finding big, huge, amazing things to be grateful for. You can be grateful for –
•    Having a roof over your head
•    The smell of fresh coffee in the morning
•    Your child’s smile
•    The ability to read and write
•    Good company
•    An upcoming social event
•    A new purchase or treat
•    Your willpower throughout the day – i.e. eating well or hitting the gym

These are just ideas to get the ball rolling. Once you start to write a grateful list every day I guarantee more and more things will start coming to you and your pen just about won’t keep up!

HOW GRATITUDE BEGETS SUCCESS

And then something amazing will start to happen. It might take as little as a few days, or it could be a couple of weeks but I guarantee you this. Once you start consciously being grateful for the good things in your life you’ll notice more and more things that you actually have to be grateful for.
Now I’m no scientist or psychologist so I can’t really comment on how this works exactly. But you know what? I don’t really care because if it works it works. And whether being grateful is simply opening my eyes and my mind toward a more positive outlook, or whether it’s actually creating new opportunity and success (which I honestly believe it is), either way I feel pretty darn good.

But I do know this. You get what you expect. And when you take the time to end each day with an attitude of gratitude it’s automatic that you’ll start to expect more good things to happen the next day. And that’s a whole lot better than going to bed focusing on the stresses or challenges behind and ahead of you. Wouldn’t you say?

Kat Eden is a health coach and blogger from Melbourne, Australia, and has recently released her first book – a guide to holistic weight loss. Visit Kat over at www.bodyincredible.com for regular tips on nutrition, lifestyle, and motivation.

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‘The Marriage of Figaro’ courtesy of TheIntelligencer

Despairingly, he looked at her, shook his head, and asked, “Whatever happened to us? We don’t laugh any more; we used to always be laughing!”

With contemptuous expression and voice, she retorted, “Yes, but not at the same time.”

This one line from a classic moment of the British sitcom Fawlty Towers illuminated Basil and Sybil Fawlty’s entire relationship.

Is a happy, long-lasting marriage really still possible? Well, I suppose we’ll find out in fifty years. Of course, if you’re being abused and bullied, your spouse has defaulted on ‘the deal’ (remember ‘to love and to cherish’?); no one should stay in an abusive marriage. But our ‘throw away society’ sometimes causes perfectly good relationships to be too quickly discarded because they don’t seem ideal.

How ironic that the recent obsession with ‘personal fulfilment’ – the importance of oneself at the expense of others – has resulted in more people feeling unfulfilled, sad, and lonely. Marriages crash and burn, spouses are upgraded to newer, ‘better’ ones. Have commitment, duty, and responsibility been abandoned at the expense of happiness?

Happy marriages for greater health

To some, marriage may seem old-fashioned, but research repeatedly shows that people who stay married to one partner are the happiest (1) and that married people are statistically happier and longer-lived (2) than their unmarried counterparts.

Fortunately, we now know why some marriages work and some don’t, what happy marriages should avoid, and what actions need to be encouraged for healthier and happier marriages.

Certainly no marriage is perfect, but many are happy. There are difficulties in happy marriages, but there is also an enduring sense of ‘us’, not just ‘you and me’. If both of you heed these strategies, who knows – maybe in fifty years you’ll be telling me about all the health, psychological benefits, and happiness you enjoyed.

Secret 1) Keep your relationship expectations realistic

As wonderful as it is to be romantic and see the best in your partner, you need to be able to except some imperfections over the (hopefully many) years with your spouse. In the initial throes of passion, the object of our romantic focus may seem perfection personified, but then we discover their ‘feet of clay’. For the marriage to last after this point, we need to see beyond personal failings and foibles – after all, no one is perfect. Now and again, all marriages need work; expecting it all to be perfect and effortless creates disappointment (as unrealistic expectations always do).

Idealize your partner, by all means – whilst remembering they are human.

Secret 2) Send these relationship-ruining riders on their way

Some happily married couples argue passionately. Other relationships experience fewer arguments, but suffer severe damage when they do happen. What’s different?

It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. After spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, American psychologist John Gottman can now tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples are heading towards relationship breakdown and which are likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers in Seattle (3) found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

“…I only offered you a cup of tea!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging that criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at one-off behaviours. For example: “You are such a lazy £”*tard!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing to do.

People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Spend more time reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them. No one likes to feel they are under constant attack.

4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more likely to stonewall, whilst their wives were generally more critical. Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments or becoming highly aroused.

The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship.

Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.

Surprisingly, even if only one of these ‘riders’ is a regular participant in disputes, the relationship’s outlook is poor. Does your marriage contain any of these ‘riders’?

And how else can you make your marriage happier?

Secret 3) Know what not to talk about and when to stop talking

Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’.

However, studies of elderly couples happily married for decades show that they often don’t listen very closely to what the other says when conveying negative emotion. And they tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they decide that something absolutely must be done. This threshold is set much higher than in younger couples.

So the typical advice columnists’ plea to ‘air issues’ and get ‘everything out in the open’ doesn’t actually contribute to healthy long-term relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing what subjects to avoid is a key relationship skill.

Another key feature of arguments within long-surviving relationships is the habit of changing the subject once the discussion has ‘run its course’. The ‘quick shift’ decreases the experienced amount of negative emotion and reduces the chance for later rumination. It also conveys, “We can argue and still get on with each other.” Thus, the argument is contained, stopping it from contaminating the entire relationship.

Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And don’t forget that fun is also vital…

Secret 4) Maintain a 5:1 good to bad ratio

According to Dr Gottman, stable marriages experience five good interactions for every not-so-good one. A ‘good’ interaction might be a loving hug, spending a fun afternoon together, or a pleasant chat about a movie; anything positive. ‘Bad’ interactions include rows, disagreements, or disappointment.

So make efforts to honor the 5:1 rule. Following the next tip will help this work even more.

Secret 5) Learn to read (love) maps

Remember the old Mr. and Mrs. TV show? (I think it may have been updated.) The basic idea was this: One partner went behind a soundproof screen whilst the host asked the other partner questions about their partner’s life and preferences. For example: “Where in the world would your wife most like to travel?” or “What drink would your husband most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more the answers correlated, the stronger the relationship. And research seems to support this.

Having a good ‘love map’ means knowing your partner’s tastes, aspirations, which of their co-workers they like or dislike, and so on. Stronger bonds are created by knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy). One woman I worked with didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company and one husband couldn’t tell me the name of their family dog! (Much to his wife’s consternation: “He shows no interest!”)

For better relationship navigation, strengthen and update your love maps.

Fostering a happy marriage is a wonderful way to ensure long-lasting contentment for you both. Ask your partner to read this, as well, so both of you can follow these tips.

Then the two of you can enjoy learning what not to do to maintain a happy marriage by watching Fawlty Towers DVDs.

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has created many articles and audios on self help and personal development, including many on relationship problems and marriage.

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(1) In a paper called, “I just want to get married – I don’t care to who! Marriage, Life Satisfaction and Educational Differences in Australian Couples”, doctoral candidate Shane Worner of Australian National University reported that married people are happier than unmarried people. Worner surveyed 5,000 Australians, asking them to rank their level of happiness on a scale from one to ten, then inquired as to their marital status. In general, Worner found that married men are 135% more likely to report a high happiness score than single men. In contrast, married women are only 52% happier than their unmarried counterparts. Another UK-based study found that both married men and women were happier than non-married, but women more so than men.

(2) Professor Robert Kaplan, who led the study, said: “A variety of studies have shown that unmarried adults have a higher probability of early death than those that are married. Accumulated evidence suggests that social isolation increases the risk of premature death.” The findings are based on national census and death certificates of nearly 67,000 adults in the USA between 1989 and 1997.

(3) Dr Gottman has studied couples for over two decades at his ‘love lab’ in Seattle.

Confidence. Our mothers and the gurus tell us that we need to have confidence to succeed in love. “Be confident,” they say, “and love is yours.” Sounds great, but the problem is we don’t understand what that really means. Confidence can be so esoteric when we are not there yet and sometimes when we do think we have it, we are actually wearing it as a thin mask over insecurity. For instance, a mask of confidence can look like, “I know it all,” or boastful self promotion that is a turn off. On the other hand a false modest confidence can look like someone is placid or shy and you have to work too hard or give too many props to bring them out to engage.

So let’s break it down. The root of confidence is the word confide. Confide means to have full trust. Neither the mask of confidence nor false modest confidence exhibits or inspires trust from another.

True confidence can sometimes appear innate, even in a small child. You know the one, the child that trusts themselves, their lovability and feels completely comfortable claiming their space in the room. And we eagerly open our arms for a hug from this bright being. If that child is supported in this natural state and not taught to doubt themselves their confidence will grow effortlessly. But for most of us that full trust of ourselves has to be cultivated in order to ripen.

The ripening of confidence—is our own self love, it is learning to trust ourselves, being able to rely on our own inner voice to guide us and know and use our abilities. It is also our belief in our power to attract the goodness of life and real love in.  We can acquire this confidence in hard ways through life and love’s obstacles that bring out character we never knew in ourselves. We can also learn it consciously going about it like acquiring any skill such as brushing our teeth, exercising, meditating, or our vocation. We invest our attention and supportive practices that bring out confidence in order to reap its harvest.

When you are in the company of someone who confides, trusts, believes in themselves you relax. You feel at home, you feel received, you feel loved. If someone doesn’t trust, confide or believe in themselves, you feel unsettled and unsure of whether they even like you.

Your confidence is an invitation for another to truly see you, to open up to you. It is your beautiful invitation of real love.

Karinna Kittles-Karsten is the bestselling author of Intimate Wisdom and the founder of SacredLove.com. For more information about inviting more love into your life visit www.sacredlove.com, a new online portal for exploring and building a fun and meaningful love life.

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Image Courtesy of Flickr Blog

If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life partner.  Yet, this is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life – with potentially huge repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice.  A long-term relationship can be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to offer.  Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life partner who is right for you.

Consider qualities that are important to you

First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a partner.  It doesn’t matter what they are – what matters is that you are consciously aware of what is important to you.  Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are clear about what you want.  Two qualities you might seriously consider are honesty and openness/flexibility.  You need to be able to trust your partner to be straight up with you – about money, preferences, things they are doing, people they are spending time with.  In addition, you will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves, willing to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with the ebbs and flows of life.

Remember these qualities when you are dating

Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it.  We all know how easily we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush of a new romance, relationship melodrama.  If what you want is a partner for life, forget romance and be logical and realistic.  As you are getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire.  If so, happily continue dating.  If not, find the strength within yourself to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind goodbye, and move on.  Abandon hope that things will change in the future.  Base your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be true now.

Discuss the big issues

I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples discovering monumental differences on some of the most essential life choices.  Spare yourself this challenge by initiating open discussions about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work, religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family.  The purpose of these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences between you so you can decide if you want to continue the relationship.  Do the research thoroughly, but also realize that priorities and preferences have a way of changing over time.  This is why openness and flexibility are important.  Learn all you can about your potential mate, and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.

Find a good friend

Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy.  The intensity of the initial attraction will subside, so make sure that the friendship is strong.  Do you have common interests?  Is your conversation enjoyable and stimulating?  Would you choose to spend a free day with this person?  If your answer is “yes” to these questions, you have in place an important element that can make your relationship stand the test of time.

Find a lover

You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as stumbling in this area can cause great conflict and dissatisfaction.  Appetites will change – often once children arrive or hormones begin to dwindle.  Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are building a strong foundation now and for the future.

Don’t think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough

How often have you heard, “But I love him?”  A long-term relationship involves so much more than love.  A successful relationship requires communication and problem-solving skills, the ability to manage your own emotions, patience, selflessness.  You end up dealing with child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that inevitably arise.  Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions, but they are not enough for choosing a life partner.

Determine if you can solve problems together

Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements.  If you or your partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty coming to a resolution.  The need to be right limits good communication.  Look for, and be, someone who speaks respectfully and is open to other points of view.

Decide if you can accept your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies

We all have them.  Ways of being, things we do, that are our personalities and quirks.  Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes wide open to determine if the person you are considering is someone you can actually live with on a daily basis.  Reflect on their energy level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of handling stress, and level of cleanliness.  Don’t be caught by the trap of hoping they will change, and don’t fool yourself into believing that something that bothers you now won’t continue to fester over time.  People do change, but there is no guarantee.  Contemplate within yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is.

Know your dealbreakers

Only you can know your bottom line.  You deserve to be with someone who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive.  If you are mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving forward.  Take very seriously problems such as addiction, large debt, uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness.  You can have tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood of being in a satisfying relationship with them is negligible.

Be an amazing partner

While you are looking, use your time wisely.  Reflect within yourself to become aware of the difficulties you might contribute to a relationship.  Are you too clingy or afraid of getting close?  Are you overly passive or controlling?  Do you need to get your own life on track in some important way?  Are you attracting, and choosing, people who aren’t right for you?  Do you have annoying habits?  Are you a grownup, able to make your relationship with a partner a priority over your immediate family?  Be happy in your own life, and you will effortlessly bring happiness to others.

In choosing your partner, I’m inviting you to use your head as well as your heart.  When you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility for the deepest intimacy and celebration of life.  Allow your heart to expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!

What have you learned about choosing a life partner?  I’d love to hear your reactions and experiences.

Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. She offers practical and inspiring wisdom for realizing true happiness at her blog A Flourishing Life, focusing on real solutions for self-defeating habits.

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There’s one crucial relationship in your life that I’m pretty sure you’re neglecting. And if you’re one of those people who gives a lot of themselves to others and always drops everything to give a friend a hand, you’re definitely neglecting it. Nope, it’s not your relationship with your partner, your mom, or even your kids. Important as those are, this is even more crucial. It’s a relationship I can guarantee you’ll have from the day you’re born till the day you die.

It’s your relationship with yourself.

So often, the one person in life who we criticise, judge, condemn and ignore is ourself. We decide that our needs don’t matter. If everyone else in our life walked out, this one relationship would be all we had left. And when we disregard our relationship with ourself, all other aspects of our life suffer: however hard we strive for success, things will always feel empty.

There are three key factors in your relationship with yourself that you need to pay attention to:

Acceptance and Love

Think of a person who you love. Maybe your partner, or a close friend. Do they have faults? Is there anything about them that irritates you at times? Of course… but that doesn’t stop you loving them, does it? They’re not perfect – no-one is – but you accept that, and you love them, warts and all.

So why don’t you treat yourself the same?

Most of us have a negative, critical internal voice that berates us for being less-than-perfect. We beat ourselves up over little mistakes … that birthday we forgot, that silly typo in an email, that time we were late, the hasty words we didn’t really mean. And we fail to recognise the many, many times that we get things right.

When we try to adopt new habits, we’re very quick to blame ourselves for not succeeding overnight. When we have big dreams and plans, we dismiss them as unrealistic.

Would you treat your partner like that? Your best friend? Your kids? Then why do you treat yourself that way? Do all the harsh things you say to yourself help you to improve your life … or do they make you feel unhappy and low in confidence?

Quality Time

I’m sure you make the effort to spend time with the people you love. You nurture your relationship with them by going out to dinner, or watching a movie, or playing a game together. We’re all familiar with the phrase “quality time”, and we know how important this is to our relationship with our spouse or kids.

When did you last spend any quality time with yourself?

If you’re an introvert like me (and like 50% of the world), you get your energy from being on your own: being around other people constantly can make you feel in need of some alone time.  And even extroverts need some time to simply be themselves – away from the rest of the world.

How about going for a walk on your own, or going to a movie on your own? Could you take yourself out to lunch or for a coffee – without family or friends in tow? What activities and hobbies do you enjoy that are purely for you?

Don’t be afraid to be selfish. If you don’t nurture yourself, and take time for your relationship with yourself, it’ll show in your relationships with others.

Exploration

The final key to having a good relationship with yourself is exploration. In your friendships and romantic relationships, you enjoy learning about the other person. You hear their history, you get to understand what makes them tick, and you watch them grow and develop.

How well do you know yourself?

Ways of exploring yourself could include meditation, prayer, learning a new skill, or reading about personal development. Exploring who you are might lead you to conduct experiments to see what habits and structures suit you best: are you a morning person? Do you like to be alone at lunch, or in the evening? What dreams do you have? What’s your mission in the world? What contributions can you make?

Taking serious time to reflect and explore the workings of your mind can lead you in new directions. It can help you discover a hidden passion. You might find that your potential is far greater than you realised. You may well have to do some work to destroy some of your preconceptions; those statements about yourself that start with “I always…” or “I never…” or “I can’t…”

What’s your relationship with yourself like? If you’ve been neglecting that relationship – and almost all of us have – how are you going to start restoring balance in your life?

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