Who the hell are you? Are you for real? That’s the message I got when I had forgotten my twitter password for the umpteenth time. And it got me thinking (something I have been known to do on occasions). Do we really know who we are?

Next time you pass by a mirror, just stay there for a while and look at the person staring back at you. Is that you or an image of you? This is how you present yourself to the world and yet does your inner self match your outer self?

Once upon a long time ago, there was a man who liked to fool around and play jokes on everyone. He used to put on an extraordinary mask that spanned an array of emotions from laughing and crying to grimacing. He took great pleasure in playing the fool and frightening everyone. Some people laughed at his antics, some people cried. All he cared about was the adrenalin rush and excitement that their reactions gave him.

He used to pop his mask on a few times a week, but as his need for excitement grew, he would wear the mask every day until he was wearing it all the time, even sleeping in it. He wandered around for years behind the mask until one day, he felt strange. He felt cut off from himself, isolated and realized that something was missing.

The next day he bumped into a lovely lady and it was love at first sight. But when he reached out to her, she screamed and ran away, frightened by his weird and shocking mask.

‘Stop’ he cried,’ this isn’t me!’ And he desperately tried to wrench the mask from his face. But he could not remove it because it was him. The mask was stuck to his face, it had become his face.

He tried to tell others the dreadful thing that had happened to him but no one was interested in listening because they had all done the exact same thing as him. They were all wearing masks, all playing at being people they were not.

Who are you? Are you wearing a mask?

There are times in our lives when we might put on a mask to stop our true selves from being seen. We do this out of a fear that if people really knew us they would not like us. We have a real fear of being exposed for the charlatan we think we are. But it is a great emotional burden pretending to be someone we are not. It is a very tiring and draining experience. How long has it been since you looked inside to experience your real self?

When I did my training to be a psychotherapist I had to have my own therapy and I remember this question. Who are you? I answered that I was a mother. Rap on the knuckles, Carole, that is not who you are that is what you do. Very often we cannot answer the question who the hell are you? Because we do not know.

Our real selves has been squashed and taken over by our false selves. It is up to us to redress the balance.

Do you spend much of your time putting other’s needs before your own?

Are you very conscious of your appearance? Do you hate your job? Do you ever do anything that you really want to do?

You may have put on a mask to protect yourself at some stage in your life but is it really necessary anymore? The mask has done its’ job and now it is only a barrier to your future happiness.

10 ways to step out from behind the mask

• Cut the crap of pretending to others that you are happy when you are not

• If you are in an unhappy relationship, either seek counseling or leave

• If you hate your job, start looking for a new one or re skill in a new area

• Delegate chores or work to others when you are overwhelmed

• Learn to say No frequently

• Stop being Mr. or Mrs. nice guy

• Stop rescuing others, try rescuing yourself first

• Take a risk and let others see the real you, if they don’t like it, tough

• Take time out to meditate or take a yoga class

• If all else fails, see a psychotherapist

About the Author:

Carole Lyden is a psychotherapist and writer living in Perth, Western Australia. PsycheBuzz is a website that will help you: Feel more positive about yourself. Add depth and meaning to your life. Enrich and empower your life. Attempt to ease your mental distress. Please join me there.

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36 Ways to Feel Absolutely Beautiful

The connection between our self-esteem and what we get out of our lives is very crucial.  It’s the foundation of our confidence and interactions with ourselves and the outside world.

Having esteem for ourselves plays a part in our moods, beliefs and attitudes, and the quality of relationships we have in our lives.

For many of us, we strive to develop ourselves, feel better, and become better people.  Understanding what we can do to overcome the symptoms of low self-esteem is a great way to enhance more positives in our lives.

Generally, most of us face typical problems and the bouts of the blues that can come with them.  The great part is that it can be combated with little to no effort at all.

I’ve outlined some practical steps that can be implemented by mature and respectable individuals to increase their self-esteem and general well being.

1.  Identify The Issue

To feel better about ourselves we must become better people.  The first place we look to do so is inward.  Are we are the source of our own self-esteem issue(s)?

Often this is the case, however there may be instances where an external source (flat tire, family member, spouse, etc.) can be the cause, or throw a wrench into the mix.

Whether internal or external, the “why,” is not the most important part of this step.  It’s knowing and accepting that there is a concern and area of our lives that can be improved.

Once we are aware of what needs to be changed we can then create and embrace a plan to follow and take the proper action.  If the problem happens to be external we must confront it and work towards moving on to a beneficial resolution in the proper manner.

For the sake of this article and so that we do not cover too much ground, let’s presume the issue is internal, which brings us to our next tip.

2.  Managing Thoughts

Our thoughts are on the forefront of our feelings and emotions.  In addition to identifying the issues we face or struggle with on a daily basis, we want to identify our own thoughts about them.

We do this by keeping track of what may be holding us back from our full potential.  Hurtful self-talk like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be able to…” are both trademark signs of low self-esteem.

Start recognizing and taking inventory of how you think and speak to yourself.  This can get a little tricky since our thoughts are automatic and tripped by certain events, etc.

Some of us may have been internally beating ourselves up for so long that the defeating self-talk has moved on to become core beliefs.

Even if we’re on the extreme end of the spectrum, when we monitor our thoughts we can now manage them in a more efficient manner.  A common mistake made is accepting our negative thoughts, fears, and dis-beliefs, as reality – when in fact most are just false-perceptions.

3. Challenge Yourself

In respect to thoughts, think of challenging yourself in a different light than setting difficult goals or trying something new.

Practice the art of facing your fears, doubts and the limiting thoughts head on.  When we do this with vigor and consistency, we start to shape new habits that foster positive thoughts and logical perceptions.

“I can’t,” soon becomes “I’m currently trying to,” and there is a enormous difference between the two mindsets.

Remember that it’s perfectly alright to experience bad or negative circumstances.  They are inevitable and a part of life.  But by repeatedly challenging your perspective, rather than being consumed by them, we can manage to overcome and move beyond adversity more efficiently.

Also, utilize the traditional sense of challenging yourself, too.  Triumph and accomplishment spread like wildfire in terms of self-esteem.  When we reach new heights and conquer new goals our lives become enriched in new ways.

Now I’ll pass it on to you for your take on self-esteem.  Does it effect your ability to manage your business and personal relationships?  What about your overall mood or productivity throughout the day?  Please share your experiences in the comments section below.

Jason Anthony, founder of EvenMinds, is committed to inspiring others to design an extraordinary life, empower themselves, and improve their well being.  Get a free e-course on building a healthy and dynamic relationships just for signing up for the EvenMinds newsletter.

“You are beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring you down, no, no. Cause you are beautiful in every single way. Yes words can’t bring you down.” ~lyrics from ‘Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera

(Note: Men, please share this with the women in your life.)

It’s hard to be beautiful — and even harder to feel beautiful.

The current media ideal for womenís overall appearance is achievable by less than 2% of the female population. But we are bombarded with this unrealistic ideal.

Young women today see more images of exceptionally beautiful women in one day than our mothers saw throughout their entire teenage years. It’s no wonder that 8 out of 10 women are dissatisfied with their appearance.

The standards of female beauty have become progressively more unrealistic and unattainable. We need full-time hairdressers, make-up artists, physical trainers, and dietitians just to attempt to keep up.

The truth is that most of us aren’t “beautiful” by the current media standards of beauty. And even models and actresses are outed as less than perfect when they are caught in their natural state by lurking tabloid photographers. Maintaining that standard of perfection must be exhausting and humiliating.

Even though we know this standard of beauty is unrealistic and unattainable, most of us spend far to much time, emotional energy, and money attempting to keep up. It doesn’t matter whether you are young with enviable skin and a tight butt or beginning to see gray hairs and wrinkles, you probably focus far more on your perceived flaws than you do on any aspect of your true beauty.

Although physical attractiveness can help you get a foot in the door, it has very little to do with sustaining relationships and even less with developing real self-confidence. We’ve all seen beautiful people who open their mouths and become instantly less attractive, or unattractive people who become more and more appealing because they exude something special.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to wave a magic wand and eliminate all of the insecurities and self-loathing that is wrapped up in the struggle for beauty? What if you could just walk away from it all and just live your life focused on what makes you joyful and confident?

With practice, this can be done! For those of us in the 99% who will never make it on the pages of a magazine, we can feel absolutely beautiful by shifting our actions and attitude.

Here are 36 ways to start feeling absolutely beautiful right now:

1. Smile. It lights up your face. It triggers happiness in your brain. It makes others feel happy.

2. Remember your posture. Stand up straight. Hold your head high. Throw those shoulders back. You look confident, energetic, amazing!

3. Focus on the best not the worst. Stop staring at the wrinkle or the bulge. Quit comparing yourself to Patty Perfect. Let your “worst” features recede and focus on your best instead. You have far more beautiful features than you see!

4. Be amazed at the wonder of your body. No matter your size, shape, or age, your body is a miraculous temple. Observe how wondrously it operates to house the beautiful person you are.

5. Appreciate your flaws. You are part of the Great Community of Flawed Persons. Welcome to the club. So embrace your flaws as a reminder of your connection to humanity. Flawed is the new perfect.

6. Be expressive. When you are animated and expressive, the fullness of your personality shines through. What could be more beautiful?

7. Get excited. Allow yourself to be enthusiastic and excited about life. Don’t let your concerns about appearance hold you back from embracing the beauty of living. It will reflect back on you!

8. Break a sweat. Get some exercise. Put on that lovely spandex and move your beautiful body. Get an endorphin high. Let your hair get sweaty and greasy. Through the sweat you are shining like star!

9. Practice beautiful movement. Try ballet, tai chi, yoga or some other movement that is fluid and allows your body to respond in beautiful new ways.

10. Acknowledge your inner beauty. Get pen and paper and write down all of the beauty that you do, that you give, that you create, and that you are. You are a powerhouse of beauty.

11. Show kindness. A kind person is exquisite in their beauty. It shines from them like a beacon of hope and peace.

12. Don’t try too hard. Don’t overdo it with make-up or clothes. Don’t spend thousands getting surgery. Don’t exercise yourself to death. When you try too hard, you look desperate. It’s hard to feel beautiful when you feel desperate.

13. Don’t act your age. Your age doesn’t define you or your capacity for beauty. In fact, age ripens you and provides a lushness to your bad, beautiful self! Live the age you feel.

14. Create something. Creativity is the handmaiden of beauty. Creativity is beauty expressing itself through you. Paint, write, garden, scult, cook, sew, decorate — be creative and you will feel beauty spilling out of every pore.

15. Inspire others. As the poet Rumi writes, “Let the beauty we love be what we do.” Do beautiful things. Live beauty. Be beauty. You will inspire others through your beauty.

16. Stop your thoughts. It’s hard to feel beautiful when your brain is whirring away like a ticker tape with negative thoughts about your appearance or age. When you are trapped in those thoughts, stop yourself and redirect your thinking.

17. See yourself through the eyes of a loved one. View yourself the way those dearest to you see you. Offer yourself the love they offer you. Feel the beauty they feel around you.

18. Connect with the beauty of nature. You are part of the natural world in all of its infinite glory and seasonal changes. As you experience nature, become aware of your connection to the beauty around you.

19. Listen to beautiful music. Certain music speaks to your soul. It touches and enlivens the most spiritual and beautiful parts of ourselves. Listen to Brandenburg Concertos #5 by Bach to feel your beauty come alive.

20. Make love. No explanation needed.

21. Wear clothes well. If you aren’t a natural at dressing to suit your body type, age, and coloring, find someone to help you find clothing highlight the beauty inside of you.

22. Hug often. Share loving physical touch with friends and family. It’s a beautiful thing!

23. Get enough sleep. You know what lack of sleep does to your appearance, not to mention your mental health. A good night’s sleep is a mini facelift!

24. Dance. Dance alone. Dance with a partner. Dance like no one is watching. Dancing makes you feel like a beautiful child, carefree and happy.

25. Update your make-up. Make sure your make-up doesn’t look dated, too heavy, or just wrong. Sometimes we get stuck in make-up ruts. An new look can highlight your most beautiful features.

26. Have a beautiful mind. Don’t corrupt your mind with ugly thoughts about yourself or others. Don’t dwell on unpleasant things. Don’t watch violence or negative programs or movies. Fill your thoughts with loveliness.

27. Stop smoking. It ages your skin, it smells bad, it’s bad for you, and it doesn’t reflect self-love. Dropping this bad habit will instantly make you feel more beautiful.

28. Be outgoing, even if it’s hard. Initiate conversations. Show interest in people. Make introductions. Smile. Bridging the gap between stranger and friend feels beautiful.

29. Do physical work. If you have a desk job, sometimes you miss the beauty of a task completed with the physical evidence of your accomplishment. Do something physical like washing the car, raking leaves, gardening, etc. to see the fruits of your labor. Moving, working, accomplishing — that feels beautiful!

30. Take care of your teeth. Since you are now smiling often, you want your teeth to look their pearly best. White, clean teeth make you look ten years younger. Plus, it’s hard to smile if you are embarrassed about your teeth.

31. Create beauty around you. Let your surroundings reflect the beauty inside of you. Remove clutter. Clean windows. Add flowers. Let your home be filled with your beauty.

32. Cook a beautiful meal. Well-prepared, healthy, and delicious food prepared by loving hands is beauty for the mouth and the soul.

33. Reduce stress. Anxiety, a furrowed brow, a tense frown, hunched shoulders are all the physical manifestations of stress. Find the cause of your stress and do something to relieve it. Shine the light of your beauty on the situation. It might dissolve.

34. Exude self-confidence. Show the world that you know you are beautiful where it counts. Your self-confidence rises in direct proportion to your self-acceptance. Love the unique and beautiful person you are and share that with the world.

35. Dress up. Life has gotten increasingly casual. Dress up on occasion. In fact, be the best dressed person in the room. Wear red! Turn a few heads.

36. Express gratitude. Be grateful for everything you are and everything you have. The handful of complaints you have about your appearance is nothing compared to the cornucopia of blessings that surround you. Bathe in the beauty of your blessings, and it will transform you from the inside out.

Barrie Davenport is a personal and career coach and the founder of Live Bold and Bloom, a blog about fearless personal growth. She is the author of the free guide 7 Key Ingredients to a Meaningful Life.

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Photo credit: Carol Richardson Marty

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When I was younger, I was a very shy guy. I often wondered how it would feel to be confident like a rap star. I mean, does Snoop Dogg ever feel insecure? Could you picture a shy rap star? How would you feel if you just didnít care about what other people thought? How awesome would it be to feel comfortable in every situation?

Itís just a stupid dream, right? Nobody in the world is always confident and feels comfortable in every situation (except Snoop Dogg, of course).

Being a shy guy, I was sure that’s just how I was born. Shyness is in my genes, you know. I’m an introvert, so I’m just going to spend my life following other people and hiding in the shadows. A glorious life ahead!

Fortunately a few years later I stumbled upon some self-improvement books and read ìThe Gameî by Neil Strauss. Neil went from an ubergeek to an ultra-confident guy. And then I thought maybe, just maybe, my genes don’t have anything to do with my shyness and I too can become confident like Snoop Dogg. And so began my journey toward self-confidence:

Fast-forward a few years and here I am writing a post with advice on how to become confident like a rap star. Life’s funny, donít you think?

Anyway, I’m not here to tell you the story of my life. This short introduction was just my way of saying that you, too, can get rid of your shyness and become confident. You’re not shy by nature. Here are 11 simple tips on how to go about it.

1. Improve your body

No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training! What a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.

-Socrates

Well said, Soc.

This one is imperative, for one simple reason: if you aren’t fit, you aren’t healthy. If you arenít healthy, you can’t enjoy life as much as a healthy person. If you can’t enjoy your life to the fullest, you can’t feel 100% confident.

If you’re looking for a permanent confidence booster, get rid of your belly and get a flat stomach. If you already have a flat stomach, put on some muscle. If your body is already perfect, then what are you doing here? (Just kidding, read on!)

Working out improves your physique and that alone will tremendously improve your self-confidence (do professional bodybuilders ever feel shy?). Improving your outer game DOES improve your inner game.

Don’t forget that weightlifting isnít only about training ñ itís about training AND proper diet. I’m a big fan of Martin Berkhan’s Leangains approach which is a nice mix of healthy eating with some indulgence.

If you’re not into resistance training, pick any other sport that will help you improve your body. Extreme sports are great. So is running, cycling or simply walking. Get off your ass and become active ñ as Mark Rippetoe said, ‘we have not spent the last 65 million or so years finely honing our physiology to watch Oprah.’

2. Expand your comfort zone

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Seneca is one of my favorite philosophers for a reason.

Do you know why you’re shy? Because you simply don’t dare to be confident. I can assure you of one thing, if you’re going to avoid every situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, youíll never become confident. This is extremely important, so please burn it into your brain.

Being confident is difficult for you because you probably avoid every situation which could help you become more confident. Face your fears and make it a daily habit to do at least one thing that scares you.

Every time you avoid a situation that makes you feel insecure, you’re basically saying ‘sorry, I donít want to be confident, let me be shy.’ The choice is yours!

3. Travel

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.

St. Augustine

Traveling alone is one of the best ways of improving your self-confidence. When you travel alone to a foreign (preferably exotic) country, youíll face many challenges: loneliness on the road, homesickness, strange and hard-to-understand cultural differences.

Youíll have to face these problems alone and that will tremendously improve your confidence. Travel builds character. If you had survived culture shock (and hundreds of aggressive panhandlers) in Morocco, would you feel shy speaking in front of a small crowd?

Maybe, but I’m sure you that you wouldnít feel as nervous as you would feel if you hadn’t traveled somewhere alone. Traveling (and its challenges) changes your perception of uncomfortable situations.

Donít forget that when you’re away from home, youíre free of labels given to you by people that know you. Sometimes these labels are negative and can hold you back. If you are in a completely new place and have to create a new social circle, you can become a completely different person. Moving to another country is one of the easiest ways to completely redesign your life!

4. Chill out

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

Chinese Proverb

Do you live your life in a constant rush? If so, Iím not surprised that you’re reading this article (no offense, just stating a fact!). If youíre constantly hurrying somewhere, youíre constantly nervous and stressed. Can you feel confident if you’re tense? I donít think so.

Learn to relax. Spend at least 30 minutes a day relaxing. Whether it’s listening to music, reading books, walking, running, meditating, weightlifting or having fun with your friends, do something that relaxes you. Stress kills your self-confidence (and you, if you didnít know it yet).

5. Unplug

Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.

Alan Alda

One of the most characteristic traits of shy people is their love for electronics and especially computers and the Internet. If you were to picture a typical shy guy, you would probably picture a guy with big glasses sitting in front of a computer playing video games.

Don’t get me wrong, all you fans of video games: it’s okay to play them from time to time. However, you have to remember that these games (as well as the Internet and TV) make you anti-social. Itís funny how new technology brings people together, but at the same time alienates them.

Spend less time on Facebook, less time watching TV or browsing the Internet, and start living more in the real world. Instead of texting with someone, meet him and talk face to face. Instead of poking a girl (or guy) on Facebook, get her number, call her and do something fun together. Instead of uploading new photos on Facebook, take a trip with your friends.

Be creative and do fun things in the real world. Make your life more interesting and youíll become way more confident.

6. Be positive

Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.

Zig Ziglar

People who live a happier life are usually more self-confident. Moreover, they tend to have many great friends. Who doesn’t want to be around a positive person?

By being a negative person, youíre only making your life miserable. Read 10 Ways To Be Happy, On Purpose to learn how to become a positive person.

Get rid of your negative thoughts and fill your mind with positive ones. Youíll bring more positivity into your life and, along with more positivity, more self-confidence!

7. Learn by imitation

By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.

Confucius

Confucius was a really sharp guy. Imitation is indeed the easiest way to learn. You can easily use this technique to learn to become confident. Start meeting more often with highly confident people. Observe how they act and learn from them.

How do they move? How do they speak? How do they interact with people? How do they dress? What are their values? Take notes!

If you don’t know any highly confident people, itís time to expand your social circle. In the meantime, you can learn from movies. For example, recently I finished watching all of the James Bond movies. Why?

Besides having great fun, I’d been watching these movies because James Bond is probably the best icon of self-confidence and there’s a lot to learn from him. Every actor that has played James Bond can teach you something about self-confidence.

Observe Sean Connery’s James Bond: he’s the definition of style and elegance. Analyze Roger Moore’s James Bond: he’s quick-witted and very laid-back. Learn from Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond: he’s a master of seduction.

There are many movies that you can learn from, but observing confident people in the real world is still the best way to learn by imitation. So find these people and spend time with them!

8. Don’t hesitate

Make up your mind to act decidedly and take the consequences. No good is ever done in this world by hesitation.

Thomas Huxley

Confident people are decisive. Every time you hesitate, you come off like a shy person. Use the three-seconds rule (coined by the famous so-called ‘pick-up artist’ Mystery) to become a more decisive person and kill hesitation.

The three-seconds rule is very simple: when you see a girl youíd like to approach, you need to approach her in three seconds (even if you have no idea what to say). The longer you hesitate, the more insecure you are (i.e., you probably won’t act). Act instantly and there’s a great chance that youíll succeed.

It can be extended to many other things, including working on your confidence in general. When you are in a situation where you don’t feel confident (for example, before asking a question in public), act in three seconds. Donít hesitate. Just do it. Youíll be fine. Most often the scariest part is to start.

9. Set challenges and plan adventures

There is nothing like a challenge to bring out the best in man.

Sean Connery

Life is very boring if youíre following the same routine as everyone else. Itís no wonder that youíre shy if you never do anything interesting! Accomplish something admirable and Iím sure that youíll greatly improve your self-esteem.

Make your life more interesting by setting challenges for yourself. Every challenge will make you a more confident person (the more you accomplish, the more successful and confident you’ll feel).

Here are a few simple ideas for challenges:

• become fluent in a new language in 6 months (yes, it’s possible);
• travel to a remote place or spend some time in the wilderness alone (remember to prepare yourself!)
• set fitness goals (bench press 200 lbs, squat 300 lbs, run a marathon)

10. Approach random strangers and chitchat with people

A stranger is just a friend I havenít met yet.

Will Rogers

Do you engage in small talk with your neighbors, shop assistants or even random strangers? If not, why not?

Small talk with strangers is one of the best ways to work on your confidence. And not only that ñ it also improves your social skills which are very useful in everyday life (they also build your confidence around people).

I have a challenge for you ñ every day, for the next 30 days, youíre going to initiate a conversation with at least one person (a stranger). The goal is to start a conversation and be friendly to other people, nothing more.

You can ask simple questions (ask for the time or directions), compliment someone (‘I love your shirt, where did you get it?’) or comment on something (‘what beautiful weather!’). It doesn’t matter what the response is. Just start a conversation. Learn more about the art of talking with strangers by reading The Shy Personís Guide to Talking to Strangers.

11. Never give up

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Confident people don’t give up. Period. How can you be a confident person if you are a constant quitter? The day you quit is the day you start living a life of regret. And that kills self-confidence.

You can accomplish almost anything if you just stick to it long enough. If you want to become confident, promise yourself that you wonít give up until you achieve your goal.

Develop a ‘never give up’ mentality. Itís an extremely important trait of every self-confident person. Take your life in your hands and never, ever, give up on something that is important to you!

To tell you the truth, I still sometimes feel insecure and I don’t feel comfortable in every situation. But you know what? Iím okay with that. Iím getting better with every day. And thatís what counts.

Start with a single step and focus every day on being more confident than you were yesterday. Rome wasnít built in a day, Snoop Dogg didnít become Snoop Dogg in a day, you wonít become confident like a rap star overnight.

Martin helps shy people become confident by sending them a free newsletter with advice on how to do it. Click here to sign up for his free e-course and further lessons.

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There is a significant correlation between your social skills and your success in any area of life. With good social skills, it’s easier to make friends, build strong relationships and get ahead in your career.

If you lack social skills, it’s important to learn how to build social skills. In this article, I’m going to reveal to you the 5 most effective ways I know for building social skills, based on my experience as a social confidence coach.

1. Practice

Developing any ability is largely a matter of practice. In order to develop your social skills, you need to spend a lot of time interacting with others.

By meeting new people, conversing with them and getting to know them, you develop your intuition about people and you gradually become better at attuning to them and building a connection with them.

You may be tempted to avoid social interactions because you think you lack social skills, but unfortunately, this only keeps you lacking social skills. The key to improving them is to interact with others no matter how capable you are right now.

2. Take Risks

It’s not enough to just interact with others. It’s central to also take risks when doing so. This means expressing your true thoughts and feelings, and behaving in an authentic manner.

This is important because if you just stick to behaving during a social interaction in ways that are very strict and safe, you don’t really experiment and explore the possibilities. And this makes it harder for your social skills to expand.

You really want to express your entire personality and notice how others react, in order to wise up socially. If you have trouble in this area, I advise you to learn how to be yourself and little by little to become more expressive.

3. Ask for Feedback

It’s hard to adjust your interpersonal skills when you don’t understand exactly how people see you and what effect certain sides of your personality have on them. This is where feedback comes in.

Ask people you know and you trust to give you feedback. To give you their perspective on how you come across socially, on your strengths and your weaknesses. They can do this casually while chatting, or fill in some sort of feedback form you can devise.

Collect a number of feedbacks and look at the information you acquired. It will help you understand yourself, others and social interactions better. And this is how to build social skills.

4. Interact with Socially Skilled People

One of the best ways to gain social skills is through modeling others. You interact with people who have good social skills, you study their mannerisms and you learn from them.

So, seek to meet individuals who are people savvy and hang out with them a lot. You’ll notice that just by doing this, your social skills will go up.

And if on top of this, you’ll also study them intentionally and try on for size pieces of their conduct, these skills will go up even faster. Socially skilled individuals are an infinite source of wisdom.

5. Work on Specific Goals

There is quite a wide array of social skills and trying to develop them all at once doesn’t yield results. You’re spreading yourself too thin.

A much better approach is to pick one or two specific skills at a time and work on improving them. Only when you’ve made enough progress with them, you can advance to other interpersonal skills.

This means you don’t want to learn merely how to build social skills, but also ways to build the specific social skills that interest you the most. Setting specific goals and working on them is the best way to get results.

As your social skills build, you’ll find yourself feeling more confident in social settings and connecting easier with others. These skills will open up a wide range of opportunities in your life. All you have to do is take advantage of them.

Eduard Ezeanu is a social confidence coach. He teaches people how to overcome shyness, build social skills and live life to the fullest. He also writes on his blog, People Skills Decoded.

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How To Find Time For New Habits

Let me start off by saying that being nervous can be a good thing. Being nervous suggests that you may be stepping over the boundary of your comfort zone, which as Timo Kiander outlined in his post last week is something we should all be striving to do.

However, sometimes the negative association we have with being nervous can actually prevent us from raising ourselves to new levels. One solution is to reduce the intensity of your nervousness so that it does not limit you from reaching your potential.

Over the past year I’ve carried out a lot of research around the topic of how to control nerves for a book that I’ve recently launched on the topic of meeting new people called Get Noticed. Some of the most interesting insights I gained came from a meeting I had with a public speaking coach who taught me two very important things.

The first thing I learned was that in order to take control of your nerves you need to detach whatever it is that is making you nervous from the situation. Those things may be physical traits or doubting emotions that make you nervous, regardless of what they may be, you must find ways of reducing the focus on these elements and highlighting your strengths instead. Secondly, you have to be prepared and confident about what you’re doing.

Here are six tips taken from Get Noticed on how you can destroy your nerves:

Detach What Makes You Nervous From the Situation

1) Focus on the objective of the situation

We often get nervous over silly things like what other people are going to think about our looks. A good solution to prevent this is to focus on the objective of the situation opposed to focusing on how the person in the situation may be feeling. For example, if you’re going to a job interview, think about what they’re looking for and how you can achieve the job offer through ticking the boxes in their mental checklist.

2) Have a friend with you

An excellent way of detaching yourself from a situation is to have a friend or someone you can talk to help you focus on the objective. If you’re nervous about meeting someone, talk to your friend before hand and then analyze how it went afterwards. This will help you focus on the outcome of the interaction from a more rational ‘outsiders’ perspective.

3) Keep yourself busy

One of the main things that make us nervous is having the time to be nervous. For events that are non-optional and inevitably going to make us nervous, the best technique to limit nerves is to distract yourself.  Keeping your mind focused on things that don’t make you nervous will stops your nerves from intensifying as the event gets closer.

Be Prepared and Confident

4) Know what you want to say

Ask any public speaker what their best tip for delivering a great presentation is and the chances are they’ll tell you ‘be prepared’. Knowing what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it prevents you having to think on your feet and worry about what comes next. If you have a job interview coming up, prepare yourself with answers to likely questions the interviewer may ask.

5) Be positive and assume the best

When we think about something, we tend to manifest it into our reality. Everything you’ve ever done, from walking into a coffee shop to buying a new car, began in the form of a thought. Think positively about what it is you’re nervous about and you will notice yourself become less nervous and more likely to succeed.

6) Wear an outfit you feel confident in

When you look great, you feel great. Dressing well shows others that you respect yourself and the people you’re around. Wearing well-fitted clothes that project your personal tastes and styles helps to fill you with confidence and reduce your nervousness.

I’d be interested in hearing your tips on how you tackle nervous situations and whether any of these tactics have been effective for you. Feel free to drop me a tweet at @MarcusATaylor or leave a comment in the comments section below if you have any questions!

This guest post was written by Marcus Taylor. Marcus is a co-author of the book Get Noticed and head of social media at SEOptimise.

Image Credit: redisdead

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How To Find Time For New Habits

For most of the time, we live in a very steady state. We do our things the same way, day after day, and life seems to be peaceful, comfortable and easygoing. However, occasionally we have to do something that we don’t feel too comfortable about. For example, you have to make a presentation for your colleagues at work – even if you hate doing presentations or public speaking. What about meeting a new person, with whom you can only communicate using English language (while you native language is something else)? No matter how bad your English skills are, you have to do it, because you don’t want to give a rude impression of yourself. Stretching your comfort zone is mandatory for your own development’s sake. Here are six reasons why you should love stretching your comfort zone – instead of hating it.

1. You grow – and so does your comfort zone When you stretch your comfort zone, you grow as a person. For instance, two years ago my job description changed and I wasn’t too happy about it. I was resisting the change for some time, until I realized that this was a great place for growth. Now, two years later, I have learned new skills, gained more confidence and I know that I’m ready for the next situation like this in the future. Something that you were once afraid of or felt impossible to do is now part of your skillset. Your comfort zone has grown in the process.

2. You feel more confident I mentioned about this already, but once you get past your limits, you will feel more confident and very good about yourself. If you had to give that presentation to your colleagues, I bet you were quite nervous before the presentation. Your heart was beating like crazy and you were sweating – yet you knew you had to do the presentation. Well, how did you feel after finishing that presentation? I bet you felt good about yourself! You were relieved of course, but at the same time you proved yourself that you can do such a thing if you want to. This good feeling is great capital for the similar events in the future. If you have to make that presentation again, just remember the great feeling you got after finishing your presentation earlier. Focus on the good feeling – instead of worrying how the presentation will go this time.

3. You learn something new The whole process of stretching your comfort zone is very educational. After my job description has changed, I’m now able to do things in more confident manner than before – like speaking on the phone in a foreign language. I know that if I had turned down this new job opportunity, I probably wouldn’t be that good doing it. When you go outside your comfort zone, you will also learn something about yourself – how you act in certain situations. In my scenario, even if I had kept myself very positive and productive person, I had some occasional moments, when I was less optimistic and I wanted to give up. Also, I did procrastinate on certain tasks. However, this was all part of the process – stretching my personal comfort zone. Since I learned how I act in a particular situation, it helps me to prepare for the similar situations in the future.

4. You are doing things that most people are not To be more successful in life or in business, you have to take bull by the horns and do something different than others. In my personal life, running a marathon was something that none of my friends had done. They had talked about it, but I was the first one to do it and felt really good about myself afterwards. When the business is concerned, getting out of your comfort zone is one way of being different than your competitors – you are doing stuff that others are not willing to. For example, if you get a chance to speak in front of an audience and your competitor is not willing to do that (because he/she is afraid to do it), you will be better known for larger audience, thus it may even spark new business opportunities.

5. You move faster to your goals You can take the step-by-step approach of doing something or you can take the “stretch your comfort zone” route. Especially when you take the latter one, you will reach your goals faster. For example, if you own a blog and you want to make it known for bigger audiences (thus gaining more followers), you have to do things that you don’t like doing. This could be starting a YouTube channel and recording new videos on a regular basis. Or, it could be writing a guest posts for other blogs, whose audiences have a bigger reach that yours. Whatever the situation is, if you are willing to step outside your current comfort zone, you will cross your finish line earlier.

6. You get new opportunities You are more likely going to get exposed to new opportunities, if you want to get outside your comfort area. For example, couple of years ago I made a change in my lifestyle and I lost weight. Not only did I feel good about this, but I also got some unexpected publicity – in the form of magazine articles. I know that this wouldn’t have been possible, if I hadn’t first stretched my comfort zone. If you are willing to go outside your zone, there is much bigger change for something good and unexpected to happen. New opportunities start to show up and you thank yourself for stretching your comfort zone.

Timo Kiander is a productivity and time management enthusiast who blogs at http://www.timokiander.com. Visit his blog and grab the free e-book: “101 Tips For Becoming a Productivity Superstar” Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter! Related Articles: The 21 Habits of Healthy People The Benefits of Meditation

Gain pleasure. Avoid pain. That’s pretty much what we’re wired for. But is there more to life? Will Edwards considered the question and realized that there is. He realized that we need to wake up to our life purpose and dedicate ourselves to fulfilling it. That’s the only way we’ll live to the full. In 7 Keys to Success, he discusses what it takes to do just that:

1. Commitment

Most of us simply exist from one day to the next instead of really living. “To succeed, you must have a dream… and you must completely commit yourself to its ultimate fulfillment,” Edwards writes. The dream can be as big as you want as long as it’s your dream and not someone else’s.

2. An Open Mind

Once you’ve committed yourself to achieving your dream, the world will start helping you achieve it. But this only happens if your mind is open to see and experience this: “When you carry your own dream within, you too will be able to touch the hearts and minds of the people around you in much the same way; and it is a truly wonderful and uplifting experience when you find out for yourself that the universe does indeed help you to achieve your goal.”

3. Persistence

We can achieve even the biggest goals as long as we keep the end in mind and keep taking action to get there. No matter how tough things were in the past or our much we struggle in the present, persistence gives us power: “When you meet an obstacle, as you inevitably will, persistence determines what you will do; whether you will give up or keep going. Persistence is what gets you back on your feet, dusted down and ready to go again.”

4. Flexibility

If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve got. The only way to get different results is to change the approach from what isn’t working to what is. That’s where flexibility comes in: “Whilst persistence is an important quality, persistence without flexibility can indeed be futile because, without some flexibility in your approach, you could end up trying to move an immovable object for the rest of your life.”

5. Faith

Instead of pursuing their big dreams, most people settle for less. Somewhere along the line they were convinced by the world that following their passion wasn’t possible. And now they’re on a mission to discourage you too: “That’s why you need faith – a deep-down belief that, regardless of the evidence, you are going to make it! You are going to achieve what you have set out to accomplish. You are going to make a difference in this life.”

6. Thankfulness

“Thankfulness is fundamentally related to positivity and negativity,” Edwards explains. “It is so much easier to be positive about your life and the things that are going on in it right now when you are grateful.” If you’re reading this, you’ve definitely got a number of things to be thankful for. By constantly reflecting on them (perhaps in a gratitude journal), you become a more cheerful person, which makes other people more likely to support you and your efforts.

7. Passion

In the past, many people were too busy making a living to spend much time pursuing ‘higher needs’.  But with all the opportunities of modern life, we can and should go further: “Deep within your heart, there is a desire, the pursuit of which will bring you all the happiness, success and fulfillment you really want. To find your passion is to identify your own unique purpose in life… You can achieve whatever you want. You can be the person you were meant to be; and you can really live the life of your dreams. Those are bold statements but they are true; and more and more people are discovering this wonderful truth for themselves.” Isn’t it about time you discovered it too?

Conclusion

The principles in this book are not remarkably new and the dictionary definitions at the start of every section seem a little out of place. The tendency for the points to spill into each other was also a little distracting. But the inspiring stories in every section were a nice touch.

In any case, it’s always good to be reminded that life can be whatever we want it to be: “Do not make the mistake of believing that life holds no purpose for you. Remember that you are here only once. This is your life – right now! So make sure you live the life you were born to live.”

Eugene Yiga is a personal development writer and consultant. He’s on a quest to read the 100 greatest books of all time before he turns 30 and shares his love for reading by publishing book reviews every week at eugeneyiga.com. He also gives away free stuff without making you join his mailing list. Follow Eugene on Twitter for instant updates and alerts.

Nobody cares about you. Furthermore, nobody thinks about you, watches you, keeps track of what you’re wearing, or notices the words you mispronounce. And yes, this is wonderful news! Why? Nearly all of us, nearly all the time, are deathly afraid we’ll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or just generally look like a complete idiot. Think you’re different?

When you walk into a networking event, what are you thinking? When you are introduced to someone new, are you trying to remember their name or are you instead thinking of something witty or clever to say to make a good impression? Do you have any fear when you are in a job interview? Are you petrified to give a public speech? Do you resist speaking up in a meeting even if you think you might have something important to share?

I think to some degree, all of us have this fear of constantly being watched, criticized, and judged. It might motivate a few to do their best work, but for most, this haunting belief that we always have to be “on” can be paralyzing. Why take a chance — even a seemingly small chance — if you think everyone is watching and ready to judge you? You don’t speak up in the meeting. You socialize with colleagues at a networking event instead of connecting with someone new. You resist sharing a good story that highlights your skills as the perfect job candidate. In your effort to look your best, you focus too much on yourself and how others will perceive you instead of your work and what’s most important. Nobody performs well under constant scrutiny — real or imagined.

In fact, psychologists use the term “imaginary audience” to describe this heightened state of vigilance that is especially strong during adolescence. An imaginary audience is this belief that we have a group or followers that are watching, dissecting, and judging our every move. But the keyword here is “imagined.”

You are not the center of the universe. Nobody really cares about your every move. Nobody is watching, and if they happen to be, they are far less concerned with what you are doing and much more focused on what YOU are thinking about them. That’s the irony of this. You think you are so important that everyone cares what you do, when in fact, everyone is so preoccupied with themselves that they don’t even notice or care what you are doing.

And while this realization that you are not the center of everyone’s universe may depress you initially, I hope you’ll find that it is actually a huge blessing in disguise. Why? It’s lets you take chances without fear of judgment. You can raise your hand, speak your mind, share your ideas, and take bold risks without (significant) consequences. And here’s the interesting part . . . the second you realize there is no imaginary audience critiquing your every move and the less you care what others think, the more freedom you’ll have to do your best work.

Of course, once you start doing your best work, that imaginary audience might not be in your head — people might then actually start to notice you . . .

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You probably agree that the #1 reason why people can’t pursue their passions is MONEY. It takes time to find a way through which your passion can replace the secured paycheck.

However, there is another equally important reason.

On the surface, you can call it the fear of failure!

However, there is a much deeper and critical aspect of your fear of failure, specially when it comes to pursuing your passion.

It doesn’t hurt that much when you fail to achieve an average goal that you’re not so emotionally attached to it.

But when it comes to your passion and what you’ve put your heart in, it looks like there is no comeback.

Peter Buffett brilliantly put it in his book ‘Life Is What You Make It’ when he said, “If, in the many facets of life at which we are destined to be average, we come up a little short, so what? But if we fail at the thing by which we define ourselves and at which we hope to prove special, that’s serious.”

What Gives The Fear of Failure Its Dominating Power

When you fail at what you’re passionate about, it hits your hopes, identity and aspirations in a killer spot.

At least, that’s what most people think.

They play it safe, because failure is not acceptable on the passion level, as it can kill their last hope!

Fact is, it never happened in the history of success that failure ended the game. The game is over only when you decide to quit. (You can read my story of the greatest failure in my speaking career and you’ll understand what I mean.)

Now, you might wonder from where you can get the motivation to overcome your fear of failure or comeback after you fail in your pursuit of passion.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Failure

I believe the only thing that can help you bounce back is your purpose in life.

It is what holds you tight and strong.

It is the reason why you’ve been down this path in the first place.

And as long as the reason that touches your heart and spirit still exists, then you will always find the motivation to try one more time…

Why?… because it is worth it!

Your life’s purpose solidifies your self esteem and confidence in a way that even failure can’t knock you down. With a clear purpose in life, you become GROUNDED!

Remember, failure never ended the game for any successful person. If you’ve a clear purpose in life, then you’re safe and resilient against the killer hits of failure.

Do yourself a favor and be purposeful today.

M. A. Tohami is on a mission to help unfulfilled professionals find their purpose and  live with passion. If you’re interested, visit his blog and get 3 FREE chapters from his book, The Pharaohs’ Code – Amazon’s #1 bestselling motivational book on May 19, 2009

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