I’ve discovered a powerful remedy for self-destructive habits that is so simple I wondered how I missed it over the years. My self-destructive habit involved eating junk food late at night, yet my discovery will work for any chronic, self-defeating behavior.

Do you do things every day that you wish you didn’t?

Most people wish they had control over certain behaviors, from addictions like smoking, drinking, gambling and junk food to emotional behaviors such as anger outbursts and yelling. Other seemingly stress related habits plague millions, such as biting fingernails, fidgeting or even shopping too much. We are creatures of habit, but sometimes our habits get the best of us, even though we understand the consequences.

Science Daily recently reported on a University of Alberta study involving lifestyle habits:

“…it was clear that they understood what types of behaviour are the riskiest, but that knowledge wasn’t enough to motivate them to change their ways,” said Dr. Cindy Jardine, an assistant professor of rural sociology at the University of Alberta in Edmonton, Canada.

“The results showed that in fact, people have a very realistic understanding of the various risks in their lives. We as risk communicators–scientists, academics, government agencies–have to get beyond the thought of ‘If they only understood the facts, they’d change.’ They do understand the facts, but we need to look at other factors we haven’t been looking at before.”

Here it is, then: we understand the danger, yet we do it anyway!

What must be true if we do daily, harmful things to ourselves? Here are my answers:

1. We just don’t care that much about ourselves, indicating low self-esteem.
2. We lose awareness in the moment.
3. We have more pressing needs that are being met though the self-destructive behavior.
4. A combination of the above.

Now for the good news

Self-observation sets in motion a process of healing that is more powerful than our self-destructive tendencies. When we observe ourselves we feel greater awareness, maturity, compassion and self-acceptance. A student in our online NLP course recently said the following:

When took a step back and observed myself in the moment, mindlessly surfing the Internet when my family was just outside my bedroom wanting to spend time with me, I felt an immediate letting go – sort of like I walked in and ruined my own little party, but it wasn’t a shameful thing. I just realized this wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. So I shut my laptop and went to play with my kids. When I saw myself clearly, I wanted to do something else.

This captures it nicely. True self-observation invites our most adult self to be at the helm, shining the light of maturity and compassionate self-awareness toward whichever aspects of ourselves we are willing to observe.

How to observe yourself.

In NLP we call self-observation, dissociation. Of course, NLP’s dissociation doesn’t resemble clinical dissociation in any way! It simply involves taking a step back and seeing yourself as a more neutral or compassionate observer might see you. Dissociation pulls us out of our stressed and distracted, self-involved states that tend to lead to bad behaviors. Then, we simply observe the moment. When we do this without attempting to coerce ourselves, miracles happen.

Try it. Here are some simple methods.

• Label what you are doing without judgment. The next time you are caught up in the moment, label what you are doing. Right now, I am doing X.

• See yourself. Imagine looking upon yourself as if from a distance. How do you appear? This works particularly well for situations that involve arguments with other people. When we see ourselves and our actions, things change.

• Ask yourself a big picture question. What’s really going on here? What do I really want right now? What am I trying to accomplish here? What does this do for me?

What if I keep doing it anyway?

What if you observe yourself and do the unwanted behavior anyway? Don’t be surprised if you do. It took me weeks of self-observation before I lost my desire to overeat late at night. Of course, I had been doing this self-destructive behavior for 20 years, so a few weeks is a swift recovery if you think about it.

With habits and addictions there are often deeper, unmet needs that need to be identified before self-observation becomes meaningful. If you aren’t aware of your deeper needs, then self-observation may fall flat, like looking through a stranger’s family photo album. What you see doesn’t mean much because you don’t have a strong connection to the family or its history.

When you understand your historical, unmet needs, observing yourself takes on new meaning and automatically fosters greater compassion and self-acceptance, which causes the underlying stress to melt away.

The process of self-observation, compassion and releasing unwanted habits can take some time and may even require some coaching. When you are in a position to practice regularly, however, you will be amazed at the results. Poor habits, even long-standing ones, are weak compared to the power of compassionate self-observation.

Mike Bundrant is a retired mental health counselor who conducts online NLP training with the iNLP Center.

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No one likes to talk about the dreaded “F” word. No…not that one. The meaning of the word Failure has joined the ranks of words and phrases that traditionally are regarded as lewd or vulgar – to the point that it’s almost taboo to discuss someone’s failures.

But in some arenas, the tide may be shifting a bit. Recognizing that innovation comes only from risk taking and that employees will shy away from experimentation if they fear retribution, some companies have begun rewarding employees courageous enough to seek new, creative ways to solve problems. That concept signals a fundamental shift in perspective about what it means to fail. Under this emerging theory, a failure merely represents a bump in the road toward success and should not be regarded as defeat.

Embracing failure may seem like a novel concept, but the idea of trial and error is the foundation of some vocations. Chemists, for example, often must conduct experiment after experiment before they uncover the correct formula, and the same is true for many other science-related professions. Likewise, the most celebrated chefs in the world routinely tweak their recipes and test new flavors in their dishes; along the way, lots of food gets burned and/or trashed. In addition, physicians may conduct numerous tests or try various treatments before settling on a diagnosis. But your average chemist does not view the first 20 failed attempts leading up to the 21^st successful one in a negative light. Famous chefs don’t fret over the failed recipes that precede their masterpieces. And doctors we don’t consider doctors failures if it takes time and multiple attempts to get the answer right. Instead, in these professions, failure is accepted as a normal part of the process toward achievement.

While some leaders in other industries are catching on the idea that failure can breed innovation, most businesses have a lot to learn when it comes to recognizing the upside of failure. Most of us would be well served to consider some of these ideas:

Learning from Failure

Rather than wallowing in regret following a misstep, regardless of the degree of the setback, true leaders consider failure as an opportunity to learn. Carefully analyzing exactly why the last process didn’t work, why the last strategy was not well received, or why the last device didn’t function properly is imperative when moving beyond failure.

Resilience through Passion

The temptation to focus on disappointment following a failure, particularly one experienced after the execution of a well-crafted strategy, may be overwhelming. However, the most impressive success stories involve individuals who persevere in the face of adversity. How does one overcome the emotional sting after a crushing defeat? First, it helps if you have a strong personal investment in solving the problem at hand. A sense of passion underlying the mission can make a huge difference in mustering the strength to move beyond failure.

Don’t Make the Same Mistake Twice

All of this talk about embracing failure may sound very touchy-feely or new-agey to more traditional types. However, no one has ever suggested that all failures deserve praise. In fact, many failures should not be tolerated all. While failures that result from courageous risk taking, conceived and executed in smart way, may merit praise and can teach us valuable lessons, failures resulting from poor judgment or a lack of thoughtful preparation have no upside.

The Proof

Not convinced? Then consider the following examples. These individuals became famous as a result of their incredible achievement. However, as is often the case, their success was not immediate, and they fell on their face before they achieved their dreams.

• Michael Jordan was initially cut from his high school basketball team. Instead of giving up, he honed his skills and developed an undying passion for the game. He later led the UNC Tar Heels to an NCAA championship as an underclassman and became the standard by which all NBA players after him are judged.
• Henry Ford had two failed business before he became a pioneer in the automotive industry. Perhaps referring to his earlier not-so-successful ventures, Ford once famously said, “Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
• Steven Spielberg dreamed of becoming a filmmaker early in life, but he hit a major roadblock when the USC film school rejected him not once, not twice, but three times. Undaunted, Spielberg blazed his own trail, becoming one of the most successful and respected movie directors in history.

Everyone can’t succeed at everything, but taking some cues from these famous icons lends credence to the idea that learning from your mistakes and following your passions can sometimes turn failure into opportunity.

Working with self storage users all over the United States, Tim Eyre helps customers store their belongings in places like Philadelphia self storage and North Fort Myers self storage. In his spare time, Tim likes to get outside for a game of basketball or a round of golf.

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Do you always think the best of people – or do you think the worst? It’s so easy to make assumptions and to find ourselves falling into a judgmental or critical frame of mind – both about people we know well (like family members) and about complete strangers.

So why worry about changing your thoughts? So long as you don’t go around being verbally or physically abusive towards others, what does it matter what you think of them?

The danger of letting yourself think angrily or negatively about others is that the thoughts tend to rebound on you: your internal voice will start to be more self-critical. Plus, your relationships will suffer; perhaps you won’t make contact with a potential new friend, just because you had a bad first impression, or you might find yourself unable to patch up a tricky relationship with a colleague.

To top it all off, you’re likely to feel a lot more stressed and unhappy if you believe that others are deliberately out to irritate you or to cause you grief.

Ask “What Else Could This Mean?”

In his post 5 Questions That Will Change Your Life, Tim Brownson suggests asking yourself “What Else Could This Mean?” He gives some examples, such as:

Your partner being late for a date may mean he hates you and doesn’t respect you, or it may mean he got stuck in traffic.

How often do you jump to conclusions about what someone’s behaviour means? Perhaps it’s a driver who you label “aggressive”, but who might be in a hurry due to circumstances that you have no knowledge of. Maybe a friend is being uncommunicative, responding to your attempts at conversation with mono-syllables: you could assume that they are being unreasonably moody – or you could wait patiently and see whether they open up about some problem or issue in their life that’s bothering them.

I’ve often felt aggrieved when a friend or relative has been snappy or rude – and have even responded in kind – only to find, later, that the situation was put into a completely different light by some circumstance which I knew nothing about.

If someone’s behaviour towards you seems rude, offensive or unkind, ask yourself “what else could this mean?” Perhaps they’ve suffered a recent bereavement; perhaps they’re ill, or under a lot of stress.

In a few cases, of course, people are simply inconsiderate: that guy making an obnoxiously loud phone call on a train, for instance. But you’ll find that your own internal reaction is much calmer if you can come up with a mitigating circumstance that explains the behaviour.

Recognize Your Own Subjectivity

We all grow up with a particular set of beliefs and ideas about the world. In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey calls these “scripts” – our ways of behaving that have been formed by social conditioning. You might also think of them as a “map” of the actual reality of the world.

Everyone’s scripts or map are different. You probably have a similar framework to your family, friends and peer group – but you’ll meet plenty of people who come at life from a very different angle.

This can create friction and conflict. Some examples might be:

• You prize involvement in your church or community organisation very highly – your partner doesn’t
• You turn up five minutes early for every appointment, but you have a friend who’s constantly running late
• You don’t think it’s a big deal if there’s a few dirty dishes in the kitchen, but your cleaning-obsessed housemate is constantly leaving notes telling you to wash up
• You’re naturally thrifty and frugal, but several of your acquaintances live paycheck to paycheck

It’s all too easy to start thinking negatively about others simply because they don’t have quite the same values or the same conditioning as us. I’m sure you can think of examples in your own relationships, when you’ve been critical of someone because they didn’t hold exactly the same values or priorities as you.

One of the biggest steps you can take towards thinking the best of others is to recognise that they’re operating on a slightly different system – and to understand that they might find your behaviour baffling, annoying or downright idiotic! Value the differences in your relationships, and value what makes the other person special. Perhaps it’s annoying that your friend is constantly late, but the flipside of this is that s/he is a laidback, spontaneous and kind person.

Do you find yourself feeling critical or judgmental towards others? How do you overcome these thoughts? How do you make sure your words, actions and attitude convey your desire to think the best of people and to understand their point of view?

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