How to Say YES to NO

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Categories: self improvement

I can’t help you move this weekend- I’m writing a book. (548 words)

There’s a novel brewing inside you that you are dying to get on paper, but where’s the time?  Maybe you’ve been waiting to take that cooking class because, let’s face it, you’ve just about exhausted every way of doctoring up mac ‘n cheese.  Or maybe you just need a day of relaxation because you’ve pushed yourself to the limit but, alas, no time.  Where is your time going, anyway? Let’s see…work…eat…sleep…help John move…walk Karen’s dog…take Chris to the airport….wait!  With all this time for other people, where’s the YOU time?

You’re a good friend.  You’re Mr. Reliable or Miss Always-There.  We get it. But when you’re the one who needs a favor from you, you don’t have the time. So something’s got to give if you want to live a meaningful life. Learning to say NO to others might be the route to saying a bigger YES to yourself.

Saying NO is sometimes not an easy task. We want to please. We want approval. We want evidence that we are good because we fear that maybe we are not. Maybe we want to get closer to someone and we don’t know another way to have intimacy. It could also be a way to avoid your creative pursuits with the illusion of a good excuse. Or maybe you just don’t know how.

Are those behaviors ringing a bell? Is your over-yes’ing getting in the way of what matters to you? Fear not. There are solutions. Often, shutting the door on obligations opens windows of opportunities.

Here’s a simple plan that can help you tame your yes-reflex:

  • The first thing is to identify what you want to do that you feel you are not doing. It may be one big project or a bunch of smaller dreams. Whatever your list looks like, it’s good. It’s you.
  • After you’re done figuring this out, ask yourself “Why is this important to me?” Dig deeper. Make it bigger. Maybe you want to go to the gym. Well, sexy calves are cool, but how about health, peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment? The bigger your YES, the harder it will be to give it up.

Once you have a list of what matters to you, it’s time to make a filter to handle all the “please help me’s!” that come your way.

  • Anytime a request lands on your plate, ask yourself one or any of these: Do I want to do this? Do I have the time? If I say yes to this, what do I have to say no to?
  • If you are still unclear, create a scale to rank your priorities. Ask your friend, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this to you?” with the caveat that they can’t always use 10’s. Is your friend asking you to help clean out her son-in-laws garage or for a ride to the doctor because of a raging ear infection? You get the picture. 10’s are for special occasions only.

After applying this system, I bet you’ll start living a life that resembles the one you actually want. Saying NO has such a bad rep but really, it’s a path that can lead your towards more freedom, gratitude and self-esteem. NO is magical. NO is your friend. NO kidding.

 

Sophie Chiche, catalyst, visionary, curator of characters and mom is the founder of lifebyme.com, a global community gathered around the question, “What is meaningful to you?” She has master’s degrees in business, journalism and psychology. www.lifebyme.com

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  • Chetan

    Thanks Sophie for making my day :)

    • http://lifebyme.com sophie

      Thank you for making mine,
      Soph

  • http://www.therunforlife.blogspot.com Surabhi Surendra

    Indeed a NO at times saves us lot of effort and exertion. Not that if we say NO, we become bad person.. but in our attempt to please everyone.. we sometimes forget about ourselves.
    Please read my next article.. how to take a decision..
    http://therunforlife.blogspot.com/2011/05/lessons-for-right-decision-making.html

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  • http://hanofharmony.com The Vizier

    Hi Sophie,

    It is definitely not easy for us to say no especially to the people who have a hold over us in some way. It could be an emotional hold with our loved ones or it could be a obligation to our boss outside of work and so on. But there are times when we absolutely must say no if not we will have no time for ourselves. That said, you system is indeed useful for helping us to say the dreaded no.

    All I can add is that we cannot expect approval in all things and if we have to say yes just to get others to like us, it is going to require a lot of constant effort which we will find hard to sustain in the long run. Be true to ourselves and the friends and people that remain are the ones we can count on.

    Thank you for sharing this lovely article! :)

    Irving the Vizier

  • http://www.clintcora.com/freeinspirationpersonalgrowth.html Clint Cora Personal Growth

    Saying no is also very important in many areas of business. For example, saying yes to every project and request that comes your way can leave you so spread out that nothing gets done adequately. In these cases, one really must discipline oneself to stay focused even if it means temporarily upsetting some people.

  • http://www.yolandieolech.com Yolandie Olech

    This is something really important we tend to forget! Thank you Sophie for sharing this, I will be sharing it on my page and link people back to you!

    Great post!

  • http://www.fullcirclecoaching.wordpress.com Joan Shulman

    I love this topic! Not only do we honor ourselves when we say “no”, we honor our relationship to the other person. When we continue to say “yes” begrudgingly, we are being dishonest. How does this serve our relationship?

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