All my life I’ve been an inwardly directed person. While some people like to think out loud, I prefer to process the world internally, answer my own questions, and come to a conclusion before speaking up.
This personality trait has benefits and drawbacks. On the positive side, it’s a source of strength as a writer and analytical thinker. Without it I wouldn’t have taken an interest in books/writing and this site wouldn’t exist. On the downside, my tendency to keep everything inside is responsible for one of my major weaknesses — shyness.
Understanding Shyness
Shyness is rooted in fear — an irrational fear of speaking up and being humiliated or ignored. Why are some people so afraid of speaking out? In my mind the main causes are oversensitivity and insecurity. When you associate speaking out with pain and embarrassment, you’ll do almost anything to avoid it.
Unfortunately, shyness is an enormous detriment to success. For people who share this problem, it’s important to understand the causes and work towards overcoming it.
It’s Not You It’s Them
For naturally quiet people, the fear of speaking can arise from a few bad experiences, especially at an early age. When an adult reacts angrily or dismissively to an attempt at self expression, it’s natural to take it personally and shy away from future expression. Even if this only happens once or twice, people tend to exaggerate these incidents until they become mental monsters. Growing up, it took me a long time to realize how self centered people are. The way someone reacts to something you say usually has nothing to do with you–it’s more likely a reflection of the mood they’re in or a recent event in their life.
A key to overcoming shyness is recognizing these perceived slights for what they are–meaningless. When someone reacts to you negatively, don’t take it personally. Imagine the other person’s perspective. Is there something that may have put them in a bad mood? Are they trying to cover up their own inadequacy? Considering the perspective of the other person makes it easier to put their reaction in the proper context.
It’s also essential to let go of bad experiences. When you dwell on a bad experience, it grows into something much more frightening than reality. Don’t do this to yourself! The more you think about a bad experience the more power you give it. Don’t blame yourself. Think about something constructive. The more you can fill your mind with positive memories of speaking up the easier it gets.
Other People Aren’t So Different
Another important step in overcoming shyness is realizing that other people are basically the same as you. Everyone is insecure and afraid of embarrassment. Other people usually aren’t as smart as you think. If you have a question, chances are someone else is wondering about the same thing.
Don’t let one or two bad experiences dictate your entire opinion of humanity. By and large, people are friendly and interested in connecting with others. They’ll respond favorably to your attempts at communicating. In most cases, people will be thrilled that you took the initiative to break the ice.
Realizing Self Worth
The second cause of shyness is insecurity. If you don’t think you have anything valuable to contribute, what’s the point of risking embarrassment?
To get over this you need to recognize the merit of your own thoughts and the value they present to others. It’s ironic that the people most inclined towards shyness are often the most thoughtful. To reach your potential, you need to share yourself with the world. Your brilliant insights don’t hold any value until they’ve enlightened someone else.
The best way to get accustomed to sharing is practice. Force yourself to speak up, especially when you don’t want to. Sit in the front of the room and make yourself visible. Understand that sharing your insights with people is doing them a favor. Once you get used to opening up, you’ll notice how positively people react. This will build your self confidence and faith in the goodwill of others.
The Duty to Contribute
Overcoming shyness isn’t just something you should do for yourself, it’s also part of being a contributing member of society. When you have a thought or idea that deserves to be heard, you’re not only hurting yourself by keeping quiet, you’re hurting the people around you.
A basketball coach once explained to me how passing can selfish. If a player has an open shot that she can make, and she decides to pass instead, that player is being selfish and hurting the team. When you pass up the chance to excel because of shyness or the fear of failure, you’re hurting the group to shelter yourself.
Other people need you. They need your intelligence and insight. They need your help to work through problems. By hiding behind shyness, you limit the help you can give to your friends, family members, and colleagues.
A college professor of mine used to make a big deal about overcoming shyness. He called it a, “silly, foolish habit,” and said, “the sooner you can break it the better.” Shyness doesn’t benefit anyone. Saving yourself a little embarrassment doesn’t amount to much in the long run. By overcoming shyness, you give yourself the chance to be recognized and promoted. You create opportunities and open yourself up to forming meaningful relationships.
Don’t keep your talent inside, share at every opportunity so it can grow and flourish.
See also:
Image by mcwong
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Great insights. Thanks for the article.
As an often overly introverted guy myself, I thought this was an excellent little article.
Thanks — I’m glad you were able to relate to it.
[…] Still, shyness, in its own little ways, prevents you from connecting with people and you need to connect to people to succeed in both personal and professional life. Again, overcoming shyness is not like overcoming a weakness. It’s just a behavioral trait that you might want to alter in order to reach out more and be more expressive around friends and strangers. John on his blog tells you how to overcome shyness. […]
Great article as always!
I feel (for myself and for others) that writing a blog is some sort of therapy for shyness. Some do it undercover and some don’t. What’s essential is to communicate our personal thoughts and values.
Knowing that many people from around the world do value our ideas increase our self-esteem in real life too.
When you know that so many people agree with you, that’s not a fistfull of people in a room that can destroy your faith in yourself.
Laurent
Great post.
Another way to help, especially for people that are cripplingly shy, is through social skills practice. Social skills give people confidence to overcome their shyness.
Anyway, I especially like the part about duty to overcome shyness.
I think that there’s an earlier precursor to shyness than insecurity. I think it’s simple pride. Your first reaction to this will probably be “WTF?” but follow my thinking here…
As a formerly shy person, I always attributed my shyness to fear that came from a lack of understanding of what to do in social situations. But with deeper probing (the kind of self-estimation with which we introverts are often so blessed), I began to see that pride was the deeper cause.
Here’s why:
We don’t want to look bad! So we don’t take the risky chance of speaking up. Obviously, taking chances leads to experience, and experience to understanding; so avoiding the early social interactions, we grew up without a solid understanding of how to behave in those ways. But abandon that “fear of man” (applying the most extreme definition here), and suddenly, shyness dries up because the fear goes away.
Note that I’m talking about SHYNESS here, not simply being introverted. I know many introverts that will boldly speak their minds when something doesn’t add up.
I agree with you on breaking shyness by contributing; however, there are drawbacks and I think you touched on some of them earlier in you piece. “Growing up, it took me a long time to realize how self centered people are.” People are self centered and what I’ve found is that when I contribute there are a few people who just don’t want to hear it even when the majority accept my contribution as well formed and valid. I am nowhere close to overcoming my shyness but your advice about observing reactions and understanding that they have little to do with what I’ve said and more to do with what is going on in the listeners will likely help me further.
I would like to ask a question about whether we should filter our contributions. For instance, take the following conversation:
Reporter: Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job, what do you think?
Jonathan: I like turtles!
Would you consider Jonathan’s contribution to be trite and uninteresting or something that will award a win in the ‘Fight Against Shyness’ column.
Peter,
I definitely get what you’re saying about pride. I’d say it’s what inspires the fear behind shyness in many cases.
Geoff,
You’re definitely right about practice — it’s probably the best way to get comfortable!
Laurent,
You’re right about the usefulness of blogging, and sharing your ideas in general. For shy people it can be good way to take a small step and build confidence. Perhaps that’s why we find so many introverts of the web.
Dave,
Regarding your question. In most cases I think shy people contribute far too little. They are much more likely to err on the side of not speaking.
When they have an urge to contribute, what they have to say is very worthwhile. So while the comment of your hypothetical character didn’t add much value, the comment of the average shy person will generally be worth making.
Besides, people that make thoughtless comments usually aren’t shy in the first place — they err on the opposite side and don’t think before speaking.
Excellent work, you’ve inspired me to stop being lazy. I think half the time I avoid speaking up because I know someone is going to disagree with me, and I don’t want to exert the effort of arguing with them.
I loved the baseball coach quote, so true… Played basketball with a good friend who basically told me the same thing. Thanks for the great read, look forward to reading the ‘How to instantly build self confidence’ article. Take care.
We need more articles on how over social people need to shut the hell up. It’s worse than shyness in my opinion.
Thanks Tony — The duty contribute is definitely one of the big clicks I had that motivated me to get over shyness.
GW — Haha, you have point. That could be another article. Unfortunately, I think the problem isn’t that these people don’t know how to be quiet, it’s that they don’t like to.
Thank you for this article. It gives me hope.
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hey man, great article. Another wonderful practice for shy people (I am not one of them however, but my girlfriend is) is to do something outlandish to overcome the fear. My girlfriend recently did Karaoke in front of hundreds of people, and although she was terrified beforehand it helped her attain a sense of accomplishment. Overcome the fear by just doing it!
it’s only after you ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything
Good insights on the inhibition / fear of speaking up aspect of shyness.
As with any fear related area, you’ve got to be careful about thinking there are magic insights and observations about your fear that will instantly make it go away. Insights can be valuable, but you won’t be instantly fixed just by logically realizing x is nothing to worry about. There’s a strong ‘easier said than done’ element in play.
In my experience, you need to force yourself out of your comfort zone. You also need to build up a backlog of experiences that confirm your new view that people are understanding, non-judgmental, etc.
As for overly social people not knowing when to shut up, I think the middle ground is best. Some outgoing people do need to learn when someone is busy, or that the other person doesn’t care about their topic,or that they’ve talked too long. But on the other hand, some introverted types need to loosen up a little about being around talkative types. Life is definitely easier for me since I became more easygoing in that regard.
Chris,
I 100% agree about insights not being a magic fix. In fact, despite my insights I could still make a lot of progress in overcoming shyness.
I think Todd is right on the money with his suggestion to JUST DO IT.
I’m not sure “shyness” can (or should be) be fully “overcome”. One who weighs the consequences of their spoken thoughts before they speak them is often demonstrating a wisdom and thoughtfulness that this world could use more of. At a cocktail reception speaking with a stranger or in an intimate conversation with a friend, being quiet might demonstrate ones’ consideration and willingness to hear the entire story before saying something that is hurtful to those within earshot. The real fear of the “shy” person is being misunderstood. They often fear that they won’t be able to skillfully express their thoughts or that their thoughts will be misconstrued or distorted. Many times it is difficult for someone who is really listening and thinking about what is being said to get a word in.
That being said, never speaking up or initiating interaction will rob one of their peace and the abundant life they are meant to have. So I think ones’ goal shouldn’t be to “overcome” “shyness” but to find a balance between a thoughtful withholding of judgment/comment and the risk inherent in living in a world where good intentions are misunderstood or purposely corrupted. It is the duty of the more thoughtful (shy) to come to terms with (forgive) the fallen nature of man. To whom much has been given (i.e. thoughtfulness) much is required.
Excellent article!
Good article, but I don’t like your conflation of shyness and intoversion. Introversion is a personality type, and shyness is a condition, and while the two often come together, introversion is not a requiremnt for shyness. You can be an extroverted type (i.e. you like social interaction) and still be shy.
Brain chemistry is not discussed in this article, and I’m not sure if this community supports modifying it or not… Anyhow, while being treated for another condition with a MAOI called Nardil, I experienced a considerable positive change in my social performance. I went from wallflower to Hugh Hefner at a pajama party. Your mileage may vary. Sadly, at the end of treatment, so went the alter-ego, but it was nice to see the other side for a while, and I learned a bit as well that I can sometimes emulate.
Overcoming Shyness…
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Wow, this is an excellent article. I love your writing style, your format, and the content.
I never thought being an introvert as being selfish, or that it hurts the ones around you by not taking advantage of opportunities. It makes perfect sense.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Angel
Great! Articles like these really give insights to one’s mental health. John deserves an appreciation for this article.
[…] info: here No […]
John:
This was a very interesting read because, and this is amazing, really, we tend to assume things on the basis of what we see. In other words, we judge the book by its cover even if we don’t mean to.
When I first learned about your blog and saw how many readers you had on your site, I automatically assumed you were the opposite of shy! In my mind, I could not reconcile a shy person having a popular blog. How wrong I was!
I greatly appreciate your candor - it makes you authentic and I have so much respect for people who are willing to bare their souls and be open. We don’t have enough authencity out there b/c people are so busy trying to make themselves “look good.”
GREAT article.
Stephen
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Awesome article. I too understand so much of what you are saying here. I live this life as well. Thank you for speaking out.
this was an excellent read. by nature, i’m mostly extroverted, but there are specific situations (like everyone else, i hope) where i become extremely shy. there is some comfort in knowing i find myself asking the same questions and feeling the same insecurities you’ve described. from introvert to extrovert and vice versa, it seems we all face the same fears, only some more than others.
[We need more articles on how over social people need to shut the hell up. It’s worse than shyness in my opinion.
Comment by GW October 9th, 2007 @ 2:15 pm]
I absolutely agree with this! I’m naturally shy, and think before I speak. The things that come out of people’s mouths amaze me.
Great article! I wish this type of Insightful information could have been written and published earlier.
Anyone interested in reading about shyness check out this book: Shyness: A Bold New Approach by Bernardo Carducci. Here is the link at amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Shyness-Approach-Bernardo-Carducci-Ph-D/dp/other-editions/0060930683/ref=dp_ed_all/103-6442801-3843829)
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This article might be useful for those who suffer from normal shyness. But my own problem is related to a condition much more difficult to deal with.
My own issue is a genuine personality disorder, signifigant enought to have basically ruined my life.
From the wikipedia article on the subject.
The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a “pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
I am also being treated for major depressive disorder. There is some question as to which problem caused which. Basically unless I break this lifelong pattern, I’m incapable of having what ‘normal’ people consider ‘normal’ intimate relationships. As you might expect the situation really SUCKS. I don’t know whether the kind of advice offered here would help someone like me. Anybody have any ideas on what I can do to get over something this severe? There is some question that I may suffer from Social anxiety disorder as well, as the two kind of fade off into each other. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, but I don’t know what to do! I have given up trying to talk to non mental health pros about it because it’s not just normal ’shyness’ and frankly because of the nature of the condition shrinks don’t know much about it! (most AvPD and SAD types don’t go to shrinks).
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Er…
I should have read it two hours earlier!
I liked the article and hope I can start putting it to practice, unfortunately I feel my condition is more like Ikkon ’s. It’s good to think theres hope for us though.
I am a shy person - in writing and verbally. I don’t normally comment on anything. Writing this comment shows that I am motivated by your great article…
[…] to your shyness to begin with. Share how you’ve overcome your shyness in the comments. Overcoming Shyness [Pick the […]
So basically you are saying that to overcome your shyness, you have to overcome your shyness… Yeah. Absolutely.
I have been a shy guy all my life, and that’s indeed coloured by past experiences, but those past experiences where constant. In little school and high school, every time I spoke up I got laughed at. (Yes, you read that correctly: “EVERY time”)
What kind of proof do I have that the same doesn’t happen the next time?
It really takes ME a lot of time to start to TRUST others.
Indeed, on the issue of self worth, I nearly have none. Same causes. Sometimes I have done something I’m proud of, but most times I only see the negative sides of what I do. My mind has been trained to do that, after years of people pointing out what I did ‘wrong’.
That’s a vicious circle that you can’t just step out of by sheer willpower.
Ikkon,
You’re right in thinking that this article is mainly for normal people who have shyness issues, not for people like yourself with serious mental health problems. I hope you are to get better.
Shy Guy,
It is a vicious cycle, and it’s self perpetuating. There is nothing easy about it. The best you can do is to giving an effort.
Thanks.
This just confirms what I have already lived through.
Although I still consider myself a shy person, most of my colleagues and friends find this surprising. Basically, I have learned to make the jump and push myself into the fray. The hard part sometimes is mustering the energy to produce the “escape velocity” to overcome the gravitational pull of shyness, but when I do, the rest usually is amazingly easy…
Thanks for this article! I’ve always been shy with people I don’t know and kept away from public encounters. This article was very insightful. Thank you!
Great article. Not much to add to what has already been said. I can relate to many of the things mentioned.
But what a great little motivation read if you know your about to go into a situation where you know you’d normally act shy. Thanks.
Ikkon–
You have a couple choices: partner up with a local doc that is sympathetic, and the two of you collaborate to improve your situation, or head to the nearest university hospital, state your case, and ask for a referral to a specialist. University hospitals love ‘fringe’ stuff, because it often provides opportunities for research or education for graduate students, sometimes at low or no cost if you’re willing to be a study subject. In any case, get to work on the depression part, don’t wait, it’s an insidious and destructive disease. Some of the drugs that are used to treat depression have nice side effects that work on SAD (not sure about AvPD). On the other hand, some of those drugs suck or won’t work at all, but don’t give up, keep trying. Best wishes to you, the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a freight train
Great advice that cuts to the root of a lot of social anxiety/shyness that is learned…..but I have to point out something: Introverted does NOT mean the same thing as shy or inhibited; it just means one’s brain processes things differently, alone/within and without needing to run it by others. This doesn’t necessarily make one shy or anxious; just less likely to seek constant social interaction. Extroverts on the other hand do need that interaction with others to process things, and thus seek it more.
This is hard-wiring, not learned….only our judgements about our temperament are learned. Obviously these differences in preference provide lots of opportunity for misunderstanding & finding the other type “weird”.
Since it’s estimated only 10% of people are introverts & there is much more negative judgement of this “type”, a negative self-definition can take root, leading to more anxiety & inhibition & “why am I not like them?’ feelings.
A quick test to tell if you’re extro- or introverted: If you just got some really bad news, a real emotional upset…..what’s your first automatic instinct (not 10 mins later, but FIRST thing)? If it’s to go run somewhere by yourself & “figure it out” you’re probably an introvert…..If it’s to tell somebody or seek their advice to make sense of it, you’re proably an extrovert.
thanks for listening
Its NO ONE’s “obligation” to try to be something they’re not for the good of society! In fact, the HELL with society! The individual is what matters and if you’re shy thats OK. I think shyness and introversion(since Im the latter)is a GOOD thing.It isnt necessary that everyone be a social butterfly.Are you a “socialist” or something? Much of social interaction is meaningless and unproductive.
Anton,
The individual is defined by society. Without it, we’re all just rather crude animals.
No one is really obligated to do anything. But I think you owe it to yourself.
J. Glenn,
You make an important point. I never meant to imply that introversion is a negative trait. But as you said, it’s certainly the minority.
As a shy person I consider myself on strike from society because I refuse to live in a world where everyone is constantly attacking me with insults, derision, and physical attacks.
I do have plenty to offer, but you can’t have it unless you start dealing with me on the basis of freedom and fair trade, not insults, violence and manipulation.
I never did anything to anyone and after all the trauma I endured as a child I just want to be left alone, but no, you couldn’t do that when I was a kid and you aren’t doing it now.
Chadwick O’Dail, I’ve gone through 3 years of therapy with two different doctors and taken every type of medication available TO NOT EFFECT except now I suffer from bruxism and my teeth hurt all the time and three dentists and my physician can’t (or won’t) do anything about it. My experience is that doctors and dentists don’t care about patients, don’t have a clue what they’re doing with mentally ill persons, and are just prescribing medication or trying to ignore difficult patients when the usual treatments don’t work. But how rare is depression and bruxism? I sat there discussing arguments I was having with strangers on the internet at $150/hour. If doctors don’t have the answers then who does?
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Jimmy– You’ve got my sympathy for what it’s worth. Finding a good doc is a goodly portion of the battle. I’ve had bad ones and good ones, the good ones are usually found by referral. It’s the worst when you move to a new area and don’t have any contacts. Tried any support groups in your area? Yeah, it’s cliche, but it gets you patient viewpoint reviews of docs. I’d suggest you learn as much as you can about your own condition, so you can have intelligent debates about your treatment with your future doc. Ask them questions about why they are choosing a particular therapy. Begin by documenting what you have tried, and meds you’ve taken, for how long, and at what dosages. Having this helps if you need to change docs. Good docs recognize that they don’t know everything, and have a care for your well being. Perhaps I’m spoiled now that I have a good doc. You need to recognize that diagnosing and treating psychiatric stuff is a best guess effort for the most part, and have to honestly attempt to give recommended treatment a fair shake. Many psych meds take weeks to ’settle in’ and if you don’t wait them out, you may never see the true effect, just side effects while your body attempts to adjust (which often suck!). I strongly question your claim that you’ve “taken every type of medication available”… there are a lot of meds out there, many with titration intervals several weeks long, three years isn’t enough time to try them all (though the search may be tedious and long for the right one). A good resource for patient viewpoints of psych meds is http://www.crazymeds.org or you can check out the forum there also. In any case, I wish you the best of luck, perhaps try a university hospital in your area for a fresh opinion.
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Hi John,
I was flicking through website articles and came across your article on shyness. It’s very interesting some of the points you’ve stated. I don’t think i’ve had a childhood experience wherein i was greatly insulted for anything i’d said. I do however think that my shyness extends from being overly analytical of situations and critical of the actions/words of others (the burden of knowing more than others). Most times during class discussions i know the answers and have good ideas to contribute, but i just can’t say them. I find that other people who are outspoken contribute more to class discussions with meaningless questions or obvious answers, so i don’t bother or am overlooked. Or when someone offers an insightful answer i refuse to share my own as i think it is of lesser significance. The only times when i do contribute to class discussions is when the class is silent, even then i still hesitate. I think it is also true of the fear of being criticised and having other people knowing your thoughts/ideas, it’s perhaps the feeling of being vulnerable. I most especially shy away from expressing myself in large social groups, just the feeling of having several pairs of eyes staring me down makes me feel emabrrassed even if i hadn’t done anything wrong. Sometimes i feel it’s a burden, at other times i feel that keeping to myself is not so bad.
Again, good article though.
great article. I always thinks about it but I never achieved it. Now I ‘ll try to better in every situation
I’ve been subscribing to your feeds for quite sometime now and haven’t commented until this one. Wow! This one hit me hard. I can be boisterous and self-expressive with a limited number of very close friends and members of my family, but otherwise am pretty quiet. I don’t think my shyness stems from being repressed to a great degree as a child; I may be just naturally self-conscious. In any case, it does bother me that I sometimes feel like I can’t express my ideas or opinions without being judged. Also, who really wants to be rejected and have the “wrong” ideas? Having read your article gave me insight to the fears that I’ve recently acknowledged about myself. This commentary motivated me to actually say something! Thanks!
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Thanks for this great post. Shyness can be a great social barrier for many people and the need to overcome it cannot be overstated.
Doug
www.dougwoods.com
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Just recently my shyness has started to hinder me dramatically on my job, it seems to irritate my new boss tremendously. Lately he has been threatening to make be do presentations if I don’t start talking during group meetings. The people I work with get so offended, but they don’t understand that it’s not my intention, its just how I am. Every since childhood people have constantly reminded me of how different I am. I think my shyness may hurt my career, so I started searching the web for self improvement ideas.
I think my problems started at childhood staying home with my grandparents never interacting other children. In elementary school I never played team sports because I was always afraid of doing something wrong that would cause my team to fail. In high school I tried to get involved in extracurricular activities to meet people and I made a few friends but I was still considered different to most of my peers. Over the years I have overcome some fears but I still have a long way to go.
For some reason I can hold a conversation with one or two people just fine but any more than that and I can’t think straight. For example, during a meeting my co workers were having a conversation about globalization, everything they were talking about I had read in the Economist a few months back but for some reason when it was my turn to talk I made a total fool of myself. I truly sound as if I had no clue when I really did.
Another reason I don’t express myself is because I feel misunderstood and I spend too much time trying to explain myself. It’s not easy explaining something to a group of super critical people.
I know my insecurities play a major role. No mater how much education I have I still feel like I don’t measure up to others especially when it comes to my vocabulary.
Thanks for all the tips, is good to know I’m not the only one in this predicament.
Dear Mellow;
Have you ever done any reading on Introversion? At the risk of sounding simplistic, it sounds like you may be introverted…I don’t mean to “reduce you” or insult you in any way but your post really hit home for me. The things that struck me : feeling fine talking with 1 or 2 people but “stun-brained” in larger groups, a sense of not wanting to disrupt the group, feeling misunderstood & constantly having to explain yourself (so TIRING!), a childhood history of less social interaction….these could be signs you are Introverted, not in the pop-culture sense of “inward/shy” but in the sense of getting energy from within/”losing” it when with others too long.
I highly recommend “The Introvert Advantage”; I forget the author’s name but it’s widely available..or check out online info on Introversion in a “Myers-Brigg” sense.
I am sticking my neck out because I am a newly (3 years) “out of the closet” Introvert and learning this about me has profoundly changed my life for the better.
I hope this useful to you Mellow!
I’m not sure if I agree with the irrational fear bit of being shy at the top of the article.
I’ve always wondered why the word ’shy’ is given such negative connotations. Because when you’re young it’s actually somewhat useful to be a bit suspicious of talking to strange people seeing as you have no idea what their motives are etc.
I was always described as shy up until this year really. That was just a comfortable way for me to be and I could get away with being like that, it felt normal. Couple of years ago I went to a party (I never went to parties) and was like a fish out of water, it was a nightmare for me. After that experience I decided never again, and now noone I work with believe I was ever quiet, in fact now I’m told I’m too loud lol. All about balance I guess.
Greats idea,
Thank you
Tracy Ho
wisdomgettingloaded
Thanks for this useful article. I too used to keep quiet many a times when I should have spoken up and am trying my best to overcome this habit completely. Thankfully I have improved a lot in this respect and your article should provide me more motivation and determination in improving further.
Simple and well thought out article, very helpful to me. Thanks for writing it! - Dave
[…] If you see someone standing or sitting alone, make an attempt to have a conversation with them to help them feel more at ease. Be interesting by being interested. Listen but contribute in meaningful ways to the discussion as well. Be complimentary, not phony. Stay focused on the person you’re talking with rather than roaming the party with your eyes. Mingle with several people throughout the evening rather than carving out a corner to plant yourself in with the same small group of people all night. Be generous and make introductions where you feel each person would enjoy meeting each other. A couple tips for developing conversation skills: How To Initiate Conversation and How To Exit A Conversation. If things don’t go well, have a backup plan ready (see How To Mingle). If you’re shy and would like to work on that, see Overcoming Shyness. […]
Wow, this really should be helping me alot.
I really want to overcome my shyness around people i dont know so i can have the opportunity to make alot more friends!
Thanks so much!
[…] your Strengths and Weaknesses This is something that everyone should do, but especially so for shy people. Whilst some people are only shy when they are the focus of all attention, others may feel […]
Overcoming shyness takes a lot of hard work. I have been down that road myself and I’m thankful every day that I have freed myself of the burden of that emotion.
For me, it took a number of things to get me out of my “rut”
First, I started working out to develop a greater level of self confidence. Second, I started using the Intelligent Warrior subliminal message videos and doing targeted affirmations corresponding to the messages I was getting through the videos. And of course, I forced myself to get out of my comfort zone. I intentionally suffered through social situations even when I wasn’t “in the mood” just so that I could grow to be more comfortable with myself around others.
It can be a tough road, but it’s well worth the effort.
Jason
Subliminal Success
http://www.liveloaded.com
that was a great post. i am a shy person myself and i recently realized how shy i am. i am trying to work on that and become more outgoing. this article actually helped.
To start off I have been shy all my life, well I’m only 13 but my mom is even still shy. I’m going to overcome my fear on Feb.4 2008. Now heres the problem I never talk to anyone in school except my four now three friends and I make tons of mistakes.I want to overcome the stupid things I do cause I’m not getten anywhere in life.The people out there that are shy trust me I would overcome sometime soon or your whole life is gonna be a buch of mistakes.
[…] only way to build a body of work is to get out there and start doing. Don’t let inexperience or shyness hold you back. What you need to build depends on the career you want, but generally some good ideas […]
thank you for the article. Its something i’ve been struggling with for a while and i’m going to try to use your suggestions. =)
thanks for the article. I’m in a starbucks at 730pm waiting for my new gf and a load of her friends to arrive, itll be the first time ive met them, and I’m absolutely dreading it! Im trying to think of some questions to keep the conversation flowing when I feel awkward, and I really appreciate the advice about being genuinely interested!
Those things really do work. Thanks! : )
[…] Overcoming Shyness - na początek zastanówmy się, co jest przyczyną naszego strachu. Jeśli jest to nieśmiałość, to najpierw należałoby się jej pozbyć. […]
Dear Sir/Madam,
My problem is that i m very shy person by nature which is effecting my career and married life.even after counselling and attending training programmes ther is no change in me.pls give me a solution.
Dear Hashim,
Hi! Before this, I also had a same problem like you. Actually, based on my experience, Over shyness is happen because you don’t trust yourself and you always think that you are not a good person whether as a husband, father or friend.
The best solution that I found is to build up your self-confident through joining and involving in social activities in your neighbourhood or anywhere else that you prefer.
The point is you must go out and socialize with other people and talk about something that you like for example sports or current issues.
It will be a little bit tough at first but you will gradually overcome it as time goes on.
As a men (Husband or Son), Over shyness is not a good thing. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE! Our society has a very bad perception to men who very shy no matter by nature or whatever…. That’t the truth.
Thank you for this article. It gives me hope and confidence.
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i’m a 16 year old male, i’m very athletic and i am able to talk to girls easily, but only through the internet or texting. Whenenver i talk to a girl through the internet or texting the girl usually ends up fallin for me. So therefore i know i’m good at talking to them. However, once i meet up with a girl that i have been talking to and have developed feelings for, total shyness comes over me. I end up just siting there not saying a word.
For instance tonight, i really like this girl, we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now and today we went to the movies together. It took me almost half the movie just to work up the courage to put my arm around her. Once my arm was around her and i felt comfortable, i started thinking about the “first kiss” however was not sure how to go about this so therefore i did nothing which i could tell iritated her. Once i left the theartre i felt ashamed of what i didnt do. There is no doubt in my mind that i will never hear from this girl again. I feel like a total screw up, this girl was perfect, she was so beautiful.
articles…
So, could you see?…
Be careful overcoming shyness.
The world defintely doesn’t need anymore ego maniacs! There is a balance that we all have to find. You want to be a valid contributor to the world and people around you but, you don’t want to get into the area of thinking that people will not be able to live unless they have heard what it is i have to say about hedge trimmings. Great article though, just realize there is a balance.
Hi there,
I’m a 26 year old male, i’m confident when it comes to socialising and making friends etc, when it comes to women i just bottle up and cower in a corner, i have no problem talking to women but when it comes to interacting as a partner with them i just can’t get the courage to do anything.
I’ve recently tried to talk to one of my ex’s about this and even then no matter how much i wanted too i just couldn’t talk or say anything about it, i’m starting to get a bit worried that if i don’t break this habit i’ll end up sad and lonely, i know that it’s upto me and only me to get through this but i’m struggling to think how, can anyone give me any advice at all please ????
Thanks.
You know something that I really liked about this article, is that it reminded me that somewhere inside we are all the same, I usually feel down because I feel like a stranger, but I got stuck in my point of view not realizing than they also need to belong, they might feel strangers themselves sometimes, but I guess if want to love and accept them I better start loving and accepting myself, overcoming the past and working on my fear of rejection, learning and sharing what I got,
Thanks for the post!
l am from Turkey l am 16 year old male l am shyness
why l shyness?
GREAT THOUGHTS! My mind was enlightened ’bout the topic. I am actually a shy type person which drove me to some failurities in life.Thaks a lot!!!
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Great content. Very helpful and easy to relate to. Props for well thought through help without a bill.
excellent post. i had been an introvert myself. and could really relate to the article.
though i dont claim to have turned into an extrovert, but to a lot of extent, i have come out of being a shy and silent guy, through efforts to take chance and be bold, speak my mind. and in most of the instances, i found that what i said, did count; contrary to my beliefs and inhibitions. this article is very much to the point. looks like there >are
This was an excellent article.
It has really inspired me to try harder at overcoming fears such as stated here, and to speak out more.
This article has even inspired me to get into more public situations and test the methods named here.
It’s also very well written.
Thank you!
Thanks for this very enlightening article, this has given me at least some insight on things to focus on as someone who is trying to overcome shyness. I’m 26 years old and I have been shy for as long as I can remember but I was always in denial of the consequences of being shy, but recently I have seen how it has affected both my career and my social success and I am really committed to do something about this problem.
this article is really helpfull.
It has inspire me.
Great Article!
-I liked the bit about doing right by sharing your insights.
A few things I’ve learned along the way:
Don’t be someone who can’t be talked to or can’t listen to feedback, but 90%+ of what people say is because of who they are, NOT who you are.
Ie: Never internalize/personalize another person’s frame, especially if they sound negative.
People actually really truly are thinking Mostly about themselves and their lives all the time. In the feature film that is their life, we are all mostly extras.
“Change Your Brain, Change Your Life”, by Daniel Amen seems like a pretty good book; -if you’re shy, you might actually have a region or 2 of your brain that’s hyper-or under- active.
Great article. Funnily enough people always advice to try to speak up to people who are shy to overcome it, yet that is the whole problem. If I could speak up, then I wouldn’t be shy, would I? Also, I don’t think insecurity is really the underlying problem in my case. I’ve been shy all my life. It’s who I am. I am a very self confident person, maybe at times even over confident. So how can this even be an issue? It is just that when I come in contact with strangers, I want to talk to them. But I can’t. There’s something withholding my speech. I always try to be as polite and friendly as possible, and it helps to get me through a few phrases, but as soon as it gets too personal, I can’t seem to form proper sentences anymore. And it’s not because I’m stupid or inarticulate. So I don’t know. It’s more of an issue I have with people, I think. I can’t let them get too close. It’s like a claustrophobia, but with people. I just think it’s strange because I’ve had this literally all my life, so there wasn’t an occassion that suddenly changed it all. It’s just there. And I just can’t seem to overcome it.
Hey there KLL…I posted a few months ago about this, but I wanted to respond to your post because it rings home for me & I thought it MIGHT be helpful to you. Have you looked into the idea of Introversion? It’s not the same as shyness, but rather a preference for more “space” & not wanting to let people in too quickly, because of a different way of processing & taking in things. It’s NOT a “condition” or an illness, anymore than eye colour is, just a different style of processing. It’s hardwired, not learned or related to insecurity (except that because it seems to be less common than extroversion so introverts may get messages that they are “weird” or “not social enough” so they can start to feel bad).
If anything, it could be taken as a quiet confidence as opposed to needing to talk to everyone about anything. But that’s a subjective take on it too!
Anyways, I’d recommend looking into Introversion in the Myers-Briggs Inventory sense, not too “type” yourself into a narrow box, but as a tool for better understanding & even appreciating the way you are. I found it really helped me to “get” why I interact the way I do & the way others interact with me. Though I always liked being introverted, I never “got” why it was so puzzling to others & now I do. Which means I can better “fake it” when I need to (job & social events) without feeling like it’s because I’m odd or broken.
Anyways, I’ve said a lot here but it’s a subject that doesn’t get enough attention, in my humble (?) introverted opinion!
Cheers
[…] Overcoming Shyness […]
Thanks for the article. I am 25 and I have fought a long battle in the area of shyness. I know its origin is some really painful childhood experiences in form of mental abuse, i became withdrawn but I was indeed bright in school (I am a professional in real estate ). I came to realize that the person who was mistreating me had a problem HIMSELF and it was not me. I have learnt to love and accept myself, am not afraid to tell someone that I am an introvert and I dont like partying up to dawn and they respect me for it.(I used to feel inadequate and envy those who were considered ‘life of the party’). All in all, this is a journey, I keep falling every now and then but the most important thing is, i am patient with me and rise every time I fall. My confidence keeps on growing everyday and I love it, I love life and I am happy. lol