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If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life partner. Yet, this is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life – with potentially huge repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice. A long-term relationship can be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to offer. Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life partner who is right for you.
Consider qualities that are important to you
First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a partner. It doesn’t matter what they are – what matters is that you are consciously aware of what is important to you. Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are clear about what you want. Two qualities you might seriously consider are honesty and openness/flexibility. You need to be able to trust your partner to be straight up with you – about money, preferences, things they are doing, people they are spending time with. In addition, you will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves, willing to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with the ebbs and flows of life.
Remember these qualities when you are dating
Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it. We all know how easily we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush of a new romance, relationship melodrama. If what you want is a partner for life, forget romance and be logical and realistic. As you are getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire. If so, happily continue dating. If not, find the strength within yourself to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind goodbye, and move on. Abandon hope that things will change in the future. Base your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be true now.
Discuss the big issues
I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples discovering monumental differences on some of the most essential life choices. Spare yourself this challenge by initiating open discussions about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work, religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family. The purpose of these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences between you so you can decide if you want to continue the relationship. Do the research thoroughly, but also realize that priorities and preferences have a way of changing over time. This is why openness and flexibility are important. Learn all you can about your potential mate, and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.
Find a good friend
Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy. The intensity of the initial attraction will subside, so make sure that the friendship is strong. Do you have common interests? Is your conversation enjoyable and stimulating? Would you choose to spend a free day with this person? If your answer is “yes” to these questions, you have in place an important element that can make your relationship stand the test of time.
Find a lover
You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as stumbling in this area can cause great conflict and dissatisfaction. Appetites will change – often once children arrive or hormones begin to dwindle. Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are building a strong foundation now and for the future.
Don’t think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough
How often have you heard, “But I love him?” A long-term relationship involves so much more than love. A successful relationship requires communication and problem-solving skills, the ability to manage your own emotions, patience, selflessness. You end up dealing with child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that inevitably arise. Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions, but they are not enough for choosing a life partner.
Determine if you can solve problems together
Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements. If you or your partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty coming to a resolution. The need to be right limits good communication. Look for, and be, someone who speaks respectfully and is open to other points of view.
Decide if you can accept your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies
We all have them. Ways of being, things we do, that are our personalities and quirks. Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes wide open to determine if the person you are considering is someone you can actually live with on a daily basis. Reflect on their energy level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of handling stress, and level of cleanliness. Don’t be caught by the trap of hoping they will change, and don’t fool yourself into believing that something that bothers you now won’t continue to fester over time. People do change, but there is no guarantee. Contemplate within yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is.
Know your dealbreakers
Only you can know your bottom line. You deserve to be with someone who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive. If you are mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving forward. Take very seriously problems such as addiction, large debt, uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness. You can have tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood of being in a satisfying relationship with them is negligible.
Be an amazing partner
While you are looking, use your time wisely. Reflect within yourself to become aware of the difficulties you might contribute to a relationship. Are you too clingy or afraid of getting close? Are you overly passive or controlling? Do you need to get your own life on track in some important way? Are you attracting, and choosing, people who aren’t right for you? Do you have annoying habits? Are you a grownup, able to make your relationship with a partner a priority over your immediate family? Be happy in your own life, and you will effortlessly bring happiness to others.
In choosing your partner, I’m inviting you to use your head as well as your heart. When you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility for the deepest intimacy and celebration of life. Allow your heart to expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!
What have you learned about choosing a life partner? I’d love to hear your reactions and experiences.
Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. She offers practical and inspiring wisdom for realizing true happiness at her blog A Flourishing Life, focusing on real solutions for self-defeating habits.
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GREAT article! Couldn’t agree with this advice more!
Thanks, Dani!
This post serves as a great reminder to all of us. We often get so busy in life that we forget things that truly matter to us and our partner.
Of course, these advices are often easier said than done. And sometimes it’s just simply difficult to be an amazing partner consistently. Having said that, I believe doing all the things mentioned by Dr. Gail is crucial to the success of a relationship and ultimately our happiness.
I think the most important key here is to set our priorities in life and talk them through with our partner so that both parties know what to expect from the relationship.
Sometimes we don’t particularly choose our life partner as things might just happen naturally. And that could just be the best part of the relationship – not really knowing what happens down the road but have faith that it might just work out fine.
IMHO, not every relationship is created equal, but if we could work out the differences (idiosyncrasies and problems) then some qualities that we initially thought were important could also be changed.
Great article that got me thinking!
You made some great points, Ken. Once we know our own priorities and expectations, it is important to discuss these with our partner to come to a place of agreement. And it really helps to know these prior to choosing a partner – and knowing that these can change over time.
Choosing a partner is not all mechanistic, either. There is a mystery – the right person showing up at the right time, a knowing that it is right. These are to be factored in as well.
Thanks for sharing an interesting article with some great insights.
I think it’s worthy to note that you have to really get out there and look, let yourself be vulnerable to rejection and accept it as part of the game. And a little luck never hurt as well, getting out of your usual comfort zone gave give lady-luck a better chance of finding you…
Peace
Jonathan
I completely agree, Jonathan. It definitely helps to be open in every way so we recognize when we meet the right person. For myself, I learned from every relationship I was in so I would be ready when the right one appeared.
I believe in truth. I do not believe in honesty.
I believe the word love needs to be defined by the male and the female. I believe the best way to define love is by defining what love is not.
I believe the man is responsible for deciding what a man is and the woman is responsible for defining what a woman is. The man is not entitled to tell a woman what a woman is and a woman is not entitled to tell a man what a man is.
I believe intimacy is about two individuals intimately knowing them self and sharing eyes through eyes, mind through mind, body through body with each other. Two individuals only. Inviting anyone else in through the keyhole is betraying the integrity of intimacy, causes the individual who betrayed the integrity of intimacy to blame and take self resentment out on the other individual for their own lack of verbal integrity.
There is more I believe. I would like to hear what others believe instead of writing more of my beliefs.
Thank you for your comment, Love. Your beliefs are beautiful, and I am sure they support you as you move through the world of relationships. You speak of not losing your individuality in a relationship and being able to trust your partner to keep the intimacy between two. Sounds good to me.
I find it very useful in relationships to know what we want and see if our potential partner shares our values and preferences.
Thank You Gail,
I believe what is also important is to know what I am willing to offer. What I am willing to offer has never equaled what a female wants. I have finally accepted that the “right one” looks me in the eyes when I look in the mirror. If I have to choose between approval, desire or liking me, I choose to like me instead.
Very well said. We can all start with the “right one” looking back from the mirror. When that is actually true, then everything else is icing on the cake. We are not in a position of need or lack, and if the right one shows up in the form of an other, it is simply another way to celebrate.
Great article (especially for single people like me). I’ve personally been trying to follow the mantra that ‘you need to be the type of person that the type of person you want to be with would want to be with.’
Hi Ellis, Thanks so much for your comment. I think your mantra is right on. As you follow it, the one you ultimately choose will be lucky to have found you.
This topic is indeed a big and important one. I am not sure though that those couples who live happily ever after have ever considered such an exercise.
Would be nice to see more posts on this topic!
Thank you!
Thanks so much for your comment, Cristina. Successful relationships happen in all kinds of mysterious ways. I am sure that you are correct – some happy couples never considered these points, although somehow they probably realized they were on the same page in important areas.
The post came from my own personal experience. I had a lot of trouble figuring out how to have a happy relationship until a few years ago – now I’m with a wonderful partner. I had to be fairly diligent about making a good decision so my old habits wouldn’t kick in.
If they are old habits, habits will kick back in. If they are previous habits, habits are no longer available. You will now choose to make aware conscious decisions and actions.
(note to self)
Aware conscious decisions and actions – the true medicine.
Unfortunately our schools don’t bother to teach anything along the lines of relationships. It seems they manage to always miss the things which really matter in life.
Peter I agree with you 100%. The school systems are responsible for many of the problems in society. Children seldom have a good example of a kind, caring relationship based on integrity and intelligent emotion from parents, current society or media. If schools would teach relationship with the self and relationships with other individuals based on intelligent emotion as a mandatory course the improvements in society would be drastic. Very good point Peter.
For most of us, which is why I wrote this article, we don’t learn about relationships from family, school, or society in general. I know I didn’t. Actually, we do learn about relationships from our experiences with them, but that is the slow route – it would be so much easier if someone would just teach us. That said, I value all the experiences I have had, even the difficult ones, because they all contributed to where I am today. Sometimes hard is more enriching than easy.
Hi Gail. Enjoyed your comments and you are right on the target. My research showed over 20 areas where you can obtain hard facts showing if you can fit with your partner.
I spent over 30 years researching this topic and want to spread the information as far as possible. My parents were unable to advise me but I can now advise my son with real hard facts to make his choice of a wife a real bonus.
(She is a lovely person) See my blog on- http://www.belovewise.org
Derek,
It’s wonderful to know that we can intelligently choose partners – a win-win situation for everyone, including children who get caught up in their parents’ relationship that isn’t working. Way too much of that these days.
Thanks for sharing your website – very helpful.