My mother was abusive in every way but sexual. My older brother was abusive in EVERY way. For years I hurt over why my mother did the things she did. I didn’t hate her; I was confused; how could a mother hate her own daughter so, to do the things she did? The abuse was bad enough that I ran away from home at the age of 13. It wasn’t until I read a book, “Adult Survivors of Childhood Incest,” where I read a passage which said it is not necessary to forgive your abuser in order to heal that I finally began to heal, and I’ll tell you why: If my mother or my brother had in any way been mentally challenged, I wouldn’t think twice about forgiving them completely for having done what they did to me. But they are, and were at that time, in full possession of all their faculties when they beat me (among other things), they knew precisely what they were doing to me as they did it. Why should I forgive them? They probably didn’t know how long it would affect me, but they most certainly knew what they were doing as they hit me and called me names. I don’t feel the need to forgive them, especially since when, years later, I brought up the matter to each of them separately, and neither was sorry; neither said anything even remotely resembling an apology. If they’re not even sorry, why should I forgive?

When I was eight, my brother started abusing me sexually. My mother didn’t allow either of us to speak unless it was, “yes, mommy,” so I began acting out to get attention: I stole some money and bought candy. She beat me with a leather belt including the buckle, an extension cord, her leather shoe, and she made me eat hot sauce, soap, and dish washing soap. She beat me so badly, I had welts that stood up 1/2 inch from my skin, welts from head to toe, except my face — so bad she kept me home from school for a week. Maybe she lost her mind a little while she was beating me, but you can’t tell me it wasn’t self-preservation when she kept me home from school.

My mother tells me that I bury the hatchet, but keep the handle. Yes, I forgive, but I never forget. And just because she and my brother remain unforgiven doesn’t sit and rot in my heart and make me bitter. I don’t think about them anymore except when I see stuff like this that reminds me. It is absolutely NOT necessary to forgive to be healthy and go on with your life. People need to be held accountable for the hurtful things they do just as much as they need to be given credit for the good that they do.

We must have been on the same wave length. I thought that the holidays are a perfect time for letting bygones be bygones, so I decided to write a post about forgiveness called “Adopt a Lifestyle of Forgiveness.” It’s here http://www.affirmationpower.com/blog/?p=388

I was disturbed by the beheadings during the Iraq war, so I decided to write a song about forgiveness on our new CD “Soul Affirmation – Music for Better Outcomes,” called “I Choose Forgiveness.” Singing this affirmation helps with healing.

For me, self-forgiveness has been instrumental in clearing the way for a higher awareness. Without the burden of past transgressions, self-imposed criticisms, and negative self talk, I’m more able to connect with my essential self. This allows for effortless decisions, clarity of mind and inner peace.

Thanks for your post.

Ken LaDeroute
http://www.AffirmationPower.com

As for others I prefer to think of it this way:

“What others think of me is none of my business”

and well for myself, I”m going to give myself a BIG HUG

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger

I find this is a pretty good standpoint to go from to forgive people, including yourself.

Always try your best.