Happiness Without the Hype: What it Really Means and How to Find It

Written by Editor in Chief, Pick The Brain - 20 Comments
Categories: psychology

Sunflower

Tejvan’s article earlier this week on happiness really got me thinking:

  • What does it mean to be happy?
  • Am I happy?
  • Is happiness really everything we expect?

The word “happiness” is used so frequently, in so many different contexts, for so many different reasons, that it’s lost all definite meaning.

Everyone wants to be happy, and this desire has been exploited to promote everything from products to politics to religious beliefs. This is sort of sad, and more than a bit confusing. It’s no wonder most people have trouble deciding if they are happy or not.

What Happiness Means

A common belief is that happiness means different things to different people. I don’t buy this. While the things that lead to happiness are different for everyone, the state of happiness is universal — so universal that the limitations of language (how can words describe a feeling?) make trying to define it an exercise in futility.

Nevertheless, I’m foolish enough to try.

Happiness is joy that emanates from the soul. Unlike pleasure, which is based on sensation, happiness comes from the mind. It is largely independent of the outside world. It is not an intense passion, but a tranquil state that defies time.

Happiness is a state of mind. It’s not something that can be taught or given from one person to another. It is achieved with profound understanding and a monk-like control over the thoughts and emotions that torment us.

Are you with me?

What Makes People Happy

When people think about their lives and what they want to change, it’s natural think in terms of what we have and what we don’t have. In reality, our happiness is largely determined by what we expect. To paraphrase John Adams:

The vast majority of our pleasure and pain is caused, not by the reality of our lives, but by our hopes and fears for the future.

Do you recognize this truth? When we face uncomfortable conditions they are generally bearable. When our suffering is concrete we can manage it and take action to alleviate it. But when our pain is caused by fear of the future, it feeds on itself. We imagine the worst possible scenarios and are powerless to change them.

The opposite is true of hope. Even the most miserable conditions can be endured, even relished, if the mind expects a positive reversal.

Hope and Purpose

To become happy, we must cultivate hope — the belief that tomorrow will be better than today. Hope is partly fueled by optimism — faith in humanity as whole — but much of it (particularly the part we can control) is driven by faith in ourselves.

If you can’t expect improvement from yourself, how can you expect it from the world?

Hope is cultivated by living with purpose. When every day is spent working towards something you believe in, hope is the natural byproduct. Just as thinking like a cynic leads to negative expectations for the future, taking action to improve (the world, yourself, etc) creates hope.

How could it not? By living with purpose, you become the positive change you expect to see, and that makes all the difference.

Living with purpose isn’t easy, but it’s possible for everyone. I’m not naive enough to believe that for everyone there is some perfect job or that everyone who isn’t happy should quit their jobs today in search of purpose. The search for purpose will always involve compromise. But if the way you spend the majority of your time opposes your core values, you will always feel emptiness.

Creative Self-Expression

Living with purpose isn’t the only requirement for happiness. There are many wonderful, purposeful jobs out there that would make me perfectly miserable. The reason — they don’t encourage my creative self-expression.

To me, creative self expression means doing work that only you can do, the work you were made to do, the work that doesn’t feel like work. The way you can tell if you’ve found the right work is if you frequently reach the state of creative flow where it becomes effortless. You know because it just feels right.

Finding work that encourages creative self-expression is a difficult task, so don’t worry if you haven’t found it yet. My first job out of college was with a wonderful company, doing important and interesting work, but yet I was miserable. It just wasn’t the right fit. I always felt like I didn’t belong, like my talents weren’t being used. For other people it was perfect.

My only advice is to keep searching until you get there, and when you get there you will know it because you’re so freaking happy!

So those are my thoughts on happiness. Likely wrong, certainly confusing, and definitely subject to change. But they have lead me to a good place and I hope your own reflections will do the same for you.

  • http://blog.fruitfultime.com Productivity Blog

    This article made me think how difficult it is to define happiness. Happiness is simple since we can easily tell when we are happy and we are not. But on the other hard happiness is so hard to explain.

    Just a small though that I really believe in is that happiness is like a flame.

    It requires an initial effort to be happy.
    To light a candle you need to do an external effort using a match or a lighter.

    Once you are happy you can make others happy without losing your from your happiness. On the other hand you will be more happy.
    Once a candle is light by, it can light up other candles. Lighting other candles will not take something away from the original flame.

    With this in mind I always try to be happy and make others happy so that I will get happier :)

  • http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog Tejvan Pettinger

    Excellent article.

    I found myself agreeing with much of what you said. I particularly liked this quote:
    “Happiness is joy that emanates from the soul”

    Even if happiness means different things to different people, I think it is worthwhile for everyone to think carefully what actually does give them happiness. Because we don’t always make life easy for ourselves.

  • http://blog.fruitfultime.com Productivity Blog

    Tejvan: I tend to agree with your last statement. It hurts a lot (leading to sadness) when you do a wrong decision which makes you unhappy. It hurts because you look back and say, I could have avoided this…

  • http://www.varsityblah.com/about Eugene (Editor, Varsity Blah)

    It’s good to have you back! This article reminds me of a quote from Success Built to Last: “All you have is your personal capital; your talents, skills, relationships, and enthusiasm. Cultivate your capacity to be fully alive in your work because doing something that matters is a dream worth your life.”

    I go out everyday and spend my time doing things that add value to my life and the lives of other people. And there are tons of those. Every time I read a book, go running, or do a favor for a friend, I like to believe I make a small difference in the world. Silly as it may sound, I believe those things add value to my life and I believe that value gets passed on to everyone around me.

    That’s my key to happiness. It’s just a case of living one day at a time and making sure every day counts. It’s about doing little things that have a huge impact. A smile here and a compliment there really go a long way! In the end you realize that happiness is a choice and that you might as well be happy because 99% of the time there’s no reason not to.

  • http://www.iwillchangeyourlife.com Peter

    It seems we are on a similar wavelength John. Tejvan’s article, along with the death of Heath Ledger (which may or may not be related to depression) has also had me thinking about happiness for the past few days.

    Here is a quick plug for my article from today:
    Actors, Astronauts, and That Thing We Call Happiness

  • http://financialphilosopher.typepad.com/thefinancialphilosopher/ The Financial Philosopher

    Your last few paragraphs describe “the path” to happiness or what is better described as a “meaningful existence.” Everything boils down to self-awareness. If we know ourselves intimately, all of our pre-conceived notions of happiness begin to unfold and we are better able to understand happiness itself.

    Once we know ourselves, we set course toward what I believe to be the real pursuit of all human beings –self-actualization. It is then that confidence and hope feeds our souls — it is then that the “meaning” of happiness is “discovered.”

    “The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    I really love your flame metaphor! It fits perfectly.

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    One thing I read in “The Magic of Thinking Big” that really struck a chord and relates to this point, is a powerful reason why you should always do the right thing — it allows you to keep your self confidence, which is key to happiness.

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    Thanks, Eugene! It is great to be back in the saddle and I plan to contribute at least 1 article per week for the foreseeable future.

    What you say isn’t silly at all. Once I realize how important having a positive outlook is, that alone solved 90% or my perceived problems.

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    Very timely, Peter. It is a shame about Heath and shocking as well. I am always mystified when someone who appears to be on top of the world brings disaster on themselves.

  • http://www.the-happy-manager.com/index.html Phil

    I like your thoughts John, they’re not at all confusing! Some great points, and interesting replies. I hope you’ll be interested to read something we’ve written, which fits in neatly with your comment: “My only advice is to keep searching until you get there, and when you get there you will know it because you’re so freaking happy!”

    It’s true the road to finding fulfilling work may be long, but there are ways to make the journey much easier. Maybe you’ll like our Happy Work-cycle Model:

    http://www.the-happy-manager.com/goal-setting-tip.html

  • http://www.pickthebrain.com John Wesley

    Thanks, Phil. Your post is certainly relevant to this article. :)

  • http://dweezeljazzart.com/blog/ DweezelJazz

    Happiness is a funny and sometimes elusive thing. It seems like we have to work real hard, and sometimes suffer quite a bit, just to understand how simple it can be to be happy. And yet, if we lose that fine balance in our outlook, expectations and the goals we set for ourselves we can lose it. Understanding ourselves well enough to know what we need to do each day to maintain that happiness is a big thing.

    It is great to have you back writing articles again. I really enjoy reading them. Thanks.

  • http://deardazzy.blogspot.com SueDaz

    Happiness is something , unfortunately , that is not guaranteed to stay once you find it.
    I was happy with a capital H until the very sudden and unexpected death of my soulmate/husband last April.
    He was only 42 when he died.
    We were so very happy. It was not hard work or something we had to chase or examine or look for-it simply was.
    For myself and our children, finding happiness again will be the hardest task of our lives.

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