Clear Your Head to Connect With Anyone: The Doorknob Principle

Written by Robert Pagliarini - 21 Comments
Categories: relationships, self improvement

Before you open another door, follow this three-step process:  Stop. Pause. Enter. It might take an extra 10 seconds, but doing this will help you become more conscious of your objectives and help you connect with your spouse, children, boss, mother-in-law, or whomever.

If you’re like me, you have a thousand things you’re thinking about and commitments you’re juggling. You’re probably bouncing from one thing to another, trying to keep it all together. You might feel overwhelmed, overworked, and mentally exhausted. You also might spend a good deal of your mental energy focused on the future — wondering how you should reply to that email from your nosy colleague, thinking about your grocery list, or even daydreaming about your upcoming vacation.

You could say I’m a little future-focused as well. Okay, you could say a lot future focused. My three-year old daughter continuously asks, “What’s the plan Daddy?” because even at her young age she has learned that I always have a plan.

I took the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory — an online quiz to determine where you spend your mental time (past, present or future) — and my score for “future time perspective” was off the charts.

According to Philip Zimbardo (I revered him when I was earning my B.S. in psychology), future oriented folks make more money, are more hopeful, make the best of failure, and simply, get the job done. You might think I’m bragging, but there’s also a dark side. According to Zimbardo, future-focused folks sacrifice family, friends, and sex for success (his words!). Apparently we are so driven for a better future, we fail to recognize and appreciate the present. And that’s where the doorknob principle comes in.

If you find yourself focused on the past or the future and want to “live in the moment” a little more, the next time you come home, don’t just automatically open the door. First cleanse your head of all of the extraneous thoughts and baggage. Do this by consciously clearing your head. Forget about the traffic jam you were just in, the angry customer who couldn’t be pacified, how your son was a horror all day, or what you’re going to say at tomorrow’s meeting. Pause and focus on the doorknob. What color is it? It is wood or metal? Does it feel cold? By examining the doorknob you’ll help flush out the mental noise.

Now focus on who is on the other side of the door. It is your spouse? Your children? Whoever is on the other side of that door is probably one of the most important people in your life. Think about what they mean to you. With your heard cleared, open the door and enter. Make it a point to properly greet whoever is inside. For a great example of this, check out Jim Fannin’s video of the 90 Second Rule:

This simple three-step process is effective because it forces you to experience the now and become conscious of your intentions. It works just as well at the office as it does at home. Instead of rushing in to talk to your boss or a co-worker, first clear your head. I can’t think of a better way to spend 30 seconds a day of my other 8 hours.

In my next post I’ll share how I didn’t follow this advice and really blew a key meeting as a result.

For a limited time, you can download several free resources (assessment, poster, audio interview, video, and more) at www.other8hours.com and learn more about my new book, The Other 8 Hours: Maximize Your Free Time to Create New Wealth and Purpose.

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  • http://www.timelessinformation.com Armen Shirvanian

    Hi Robert.

    I can see the value in this. Stopping for a second before talking with others in person can make the difference between coming at them from a point of refreshment versus some continued thought from what you were doing previously. Just as we want others to be thinking about us when they meet us, we should be the same way towards them.

    A few seconds to clear our thoughts can do the trick.

    That part about future-oriented thinking sure does make sense. It works well for later, but we tend to miss out on some things from now, leaving some people confused about our efforts.

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  • http://lifeissimpler.com/ Isaac – Life is simpler

    I pretty much understand that about being future-focused. I find really interesting what you propose here. I will for sure try it.

    Great links also!

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  • http://mapmaker.curtrosengren.com Curt Rosengren

    I love this! Simple, powerful, and it takes next to no time. I could feel my focus consciously shifting just thinking about it (and I’m sitting alone on the couch!). In my mind it automatically combined with a deep breath or two. A super-mini-meditation.

    Thanks for a great tip.

  • http://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/blog Steven Aitchison

    Hi Robert. This was a good post and one I can totally relate to. I completed the survey as well, and I scored way high on the ‘Future’ time perspective (4.08). Thanks for sharing this.

  • http://www.getinthehotspot.com/ Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot

    Excellent idea. When you’re busy switching between roles of mum, teacher, friend, business contact, service provider and writer it’s hard to remember what hat you’re supposed to be wearing and when. I like the idea of taking a moment to focus and regroup. Car trips can be useful for that too. Thanks:)

  • http://www.therealmind.com Rich

    I used to do this back in the day.

    These days I meditate so much that my mind tends to be quite clear in all situations…

    I tend to pay much more direct attention to the feelings which arise in my body than anything else though. Feelings are such a powerful thing when you understand them – they will tell you exactly how the other person is feeling at any particular moment… and they can guide you as to how to converse/interact in a positive manner.

    Rich

  • http://www.yoursash.com michelle

    This is such a great post, thanks for sharing!

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    Thanks for your comments. Also, nice post today!

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    Thanks Isaac. Glad you liked the links. The time inventory is a good one to do.

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    Awesome Curt! Would love to hear how it works in your life.

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    It’s nice to meet a fellow “future oriented” person! I bet if we surveyed PickTheBrain folks, we’d find a lot of us :-)

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    I know! Too many hats. This works well coming home but could work equally well going to work. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    I’ve been wanting to learn how to meditate for some time now, and I think your comment has inspired me! Thanks…

  • http://www.other8hours.com Robert Pagliarini

    Glad you enjoyed it Michelle!

  • http://www.bodyincredible.com Kat Eden

    This is awesome and so simple! Thanks. The concept of pausing between and before each task is one that I think is probably particularly underrated. Pausing before the week begins, for example, in order to plan things out – even if just for 10 minutes – is an excellent way to remain calm and organized, and far beats just jumping into things head-on and hoping you’ll remember to focus on what matters most.

  • http://enlightr.com Craig Thomas

    Interesting post. I’m currently studying psychology and I know all about Zambardo and his theories, especially his interesting talk he gave at TED about future orientated people. Until now though, I never integrated into my life. I’m very future orientated – I’ll have to slow down from now and focus on the doorknob. :)

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