Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.

This article looks at seven common reasons why once harmonious relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.

Jealousy

It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that jealousy will remain far away.

Also, we need to trust our partner -  a suspicious mind is very poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create serious problems in our own relationships.

Attachment

There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we can’t just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.

Domination

Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.

Often people don’t realize how dominating they are. Parents justify to themselves the idea that they ‘only want the best for their children’ But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.

Selfishness

Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.

True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy.

No Time

We have to spend time on what we value. If we always  work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your office parties.

Too Much Time

It does depends on the personality of the people involved; but some people, especially introverts, need time to themselves. If we are always with other people, the relationship can become claustrophobic. We need time to ourselves; strong relationships should be able to deal with periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual growth.

Picking Faults

Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.

A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include Changing Yourself by Accepting Yourself.

Image by Slatki

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” ~ Mark Twain

Self-respect is a fundamental for a great life. If we lack self-respect we will be insecure and strive to be someone we are not. To develop self-respect means to cultivate the self confidence to deal with whatever life throws at us. The following are some ways we can improve our self-respect. Remember, self-respect comes from an inner belief and not an egoistic feeling of superiority.

1. Be True to Yourself

There is great social pressure from parents, work and society to become a certain person and to achieve certain things. It is a pressure hard to detach from. But, a real self-respect only comes from being true to our inner calling. It is important you have faith in your own values and remember what is important to you. Just because other people think you should behave in a certain way, doesn’t mean they are right. Everyone needs to follow their own path. Even if others don’t respect your decision it is important that you do. Just ask yourself whether you come into the world to please Tom, Dick and Harry or live your own life?

2. Learn to Handle Criticism

We are sensitive beings. Nobody likes criticism and when we are criticized, either directly or indirectly, we feel bad about ourself – even if the criticism is not justified. To maintain a sense of self respect, we need to learn how to deal with criticism. Don’t take criticism personally. Look at it from a detached perspective. Maybe it is false, in which case we should ignore it. If their is some truth, we can use it to develop our character. However, it is important not to take criticism too personally. Just because we are not very good at a particular task, doesn’t mean we need to lose our self respect.

3. Look After Your Appearance, Without Being a Slave to Fashion

Our appearance is important. It can give us confidence or it can make us feel awkward. Take care of our appearance; dressing smart for the right occasion gives us self confidence. At the same time, we don’t want to be the slave of fashion trends. Dress for your own benefit; don’t dress in the expectation of pleasing others and receiving complements.

4. Avoid Jealousy

Jealousy of other people’s success is a common way of losing our happiness and self respect. Jealousy is simply envy of other people’s success. We feel miserable that we cannot enjoy their success. Sometimes it can even lead us to knocking the other person. If we follow this path of jealousy we will definitely lose our sense of self respect. When we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, we are saying our self respect depends on being better than others. But, the truth is, there will always be some people more successful than ourself. The trick to lasting self respect is to be happy through others success. We should never feel that other people’s success in any way diminishes our self worth.

5. Remember your Motivation, Not Results

Sometimes we work with best of motives and the best of intentions only to be disappointed by the outcome. The problem is that we equate our self respect to outer displays of wealth, success and social standing. It is the nature of life, that things will not turn out as we hoped, but, it is a mistake to link our sense of self worth to the achievement of external targets. Self respect comes when we value our attitude to life and other people. Even if things go badly don’t lose your self respect. Work with the best of intentions and gain your self respect from that.

6. Respect Others

If you have no respect for others, how can you have self-respect? Self respect means we have an inner confidence and inner assurance, but this is not a confidence built on superiority. It is the wrong approach to try and feel better by putting others down. If we look for the good qualities in other people, it is easier to remember the good qualities in ourselves.

7. Never Hate Yourself

We make mistakes, we may do the wrong thing; but we should never put ourselves down unnecessarily. If we are not careful we start bitterly regretting things and even disliking ourselves. We should never hate our self, it is very destructive. Listen to your conscience, but, don’t be too hard on yourself and feel burdened with guilt.

8. Forgive

Forgive others and forgive yourself. Don’t live in the past, but, move on from past mistakes and difficult situations. If your mind is occupied with problems from the past, you will always feel guilty and unworthy. Don’t allow your self worth to be determined by past mistakes.

9. Be Selfless

The way to self respect is not through a bloated sense of pride; this is a false type of self respect. We may think that the praise of others boosts our self respect, but, actually this praise creates a vulnerable ego. If our self respect is based on the praise of others then our self respect will be very tenuous. Self respect should not be dependent on the praise of others; it should be independent of others praise.

10. Don’t Keep up With the Joneses

You will not be able to build self respect if you are permanently striving to impress others with outer displays. People who are impressed with material wealth and social standing are probably the kind of people not worth impressing anyway. Be comfortable with what you have, not what you think will impress others.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include Changing Yourself by Accepting Yourself.

Image by Moriza.

Be Flexible

An economic downturn can force us to change direction. Maybe we will lose our job or are faced with declining incomes. Unforced change is rarely welcome, but, if we can be flexible to changing circumstances we will be better able to deal with any new situation we find ourselves in. Flexibility is particularly important in today’s modern economy – full time jobs for life are far less common these days. These are some practical tips to increase our labour market flexibility.

Keep improving your skills. Look for opportunities to develop relevant skills – IT, foreign language, vocational qualifications. It is these extra qualifications which will help in job search and job retention.

Don’t have a fixed mindset. Just because you have had a 9 to 5 job for the past 10 years doesn’t mean this has to be your future. It is important to be open to new opportunities and job prospects, otherwise we unconsciously close off many avenues and income sources.

Be willing to travel. Any downturn is often focused in particular regions or sectors of the economy.

Look beyond your sector. Some sectors such as auto industry, estate agents, construction are being very badly hit in this recession. Don’t fight a losing battle, if your made unemployed in this area, it is better to seek work in different sectors. You could always consider opening a pawn shop – apparently business is booming there.

Be willing to work for yourself. Self employment is one of the fastest growth areas of employment. It involves more risk, but, also offers more opportunities.

Work Out A Strategy

Avoid a negative mindset and despairing about your situation. Never give up but remain hopeful; if you find yourself becoming depressed by your situation, try talking through your problems with a financial adviser or friend. Unemployment can be very stressful, make sure your relationships don’t suffer; if you talk honestly with your partner, it will help.

Be Valuable To Your Company

If your company is looking to make 10% of its employees redundant, make yourself indispensable. There are various things which can help minimize your prospects of redundancy.

Dress smart. This shows that you care. If you can’t be bothered to dress appropriately, the company will think that reflects your wider attitude.

Be cheerful and helpful. Simple but effective. If you are a good worker and get on with people, this will encourage firms to keep employing you. If you create problems and annoy other people, a recession may just be a good excuse to make you redundant.

Be incredibly useful. Look for ways to deal with the companies difficulties, rather than just exclaiming how hopeless the situation is.

Avoid Excessive Fear – The Media Exaggerates

There is no denying that the economy is doing badly; but, unless you put your all your lifesavings in subprime mortgage stocks, it’s not quite the end of the world. The media tends to exaggerate negative news; focusing on the most dramatic statistics. Comparisons with the great Depression are becoming common. But, things aren’t that bad (at least not yet…).

The point is to keep a sense of perspective; don’t become overburdened with fear about the state of the economy. It is a time of uncertainty and declining living standards, but in recessions the majority of people don’t lost their jobs, recessions don’t last for ever – life goes on.

Dealing With Debt

If you have a mountain of debt, remember it is important to not bury the problem in the hope it will go away. It won’t. Instead, talk with a financial adviser and try to work out a practical budget and plan.

Opportunities in Redundancy

Redundancy, especially for those over 40, can be a depressing event and it is easy to get caught up in the negative turn of events. But, if we remain flexible and retain a positive attitude, redundancy can create unexpected opportunities. By forcing us to take a new strategy, we may be able to pursue career paths that we previously never thought of. Consider using redundancy money to set up your dream business.

Dealing With Falling Incomes

The current recession is made worse by the rise in inflation, in particular rising energy and food prices. This is leaving many people with declining disposable incomes. The rise in gas prices is particularly causing consternation. Rather than bitterly complain and feeling sorry for yourself, try making adjustments to your spending patterns.

• Look for alternative ways to get to work.
• Consider cycling rather than driving.
• Learn to drive more slowly and carefully.
• Reduce unnecessary expenditure on frivolous items.
• Don’t borrow to maintain old living standards. The US and UK has enough personal debt. Borrowing is not a long term option.

Don’t Spend Time Complaining

We could spend hours dissecting the errors of the government and complaining about rising prices, but, it isn’t going to improve our situation. We need to take practical action to deal with the situation we are in. Adaptability is a key to being happy in any situation.

Money Isn’t Everything

If we judge our living standards only by our financial well being, the recession will make us miserable. But, why should we place so much emphasis on material living standards? Rising gas prices is by itself not a reason to become miserable. There is more to life than the disposable income in our pocket. Make an effort to be content with what we have.

Do you have any advice for surviving an economic meltdown? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

Tejvan Pettinger works as an Economics teacher at a school in Oxford. He regularly writes on economics issues for his blog Economic Essays. . You can subscribe here.

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” – George Bush

“Ummm… I’m not sure…” We all suffer from indecision at times. If we are not careful, this can become a debilitating problem which feeds on itself. Indecision is often related to lack of self confidence and a tendency to worry about potential problems. To overcome indecision we need to have the faith to follow our intuition, bearing in mind that sometimes it is not what we do, but rather how we do things that is important.

Both Options Can Work

“Indecision is often worse than wrong action.” – Henry Ford

Sometimes we feel that it is of vital importance to choose the right course of action. We feel that one choice must be the ‘right’ one and the other option ‘wrong’. However, this is often a mistake. What is important is how we make use of our choices. Maybe we have a choice between going to two different places; as long as we have the right attitude we can cultivate happiness wherever we go. If we are constantly worrying about our decision, then we will not be able to enjoy life even if we choose the so called ‘right action’.

I know a friend who regrets a choice he made at age 21 (not getting a certain job). He blames this for unhappiness in is life 15 years later. This is a mistake as the choice is much less important than he thinks; life is what we make of it and is not just about making the ‘right choices’. Don’t fret about making the perfect choice; just retain the best attitude to wherever life might take you.

Generate Self Confidence

Indecision often occurs because we lack self confidence and doubt our abilities. Perhaps we would like to take a trial for a sports team, but we fear whether we are good enough. The internal debate becomes about whether we should risk taking the trial. In this case, we should not be worrying about our potential limitations. Instead, we should follow our instinct – we have much less to lose than our mind would admit. If we ignore our misplaced anxieties, it will be easier to follow new choices, without worrying about whether it is worth taking the step.

Don’t Worry About What Others Expect You To Do

Related to the previous point is the concern about what others may think of our decisions. We all face choices where our instinct is to go one way, but then we worry about what people will think of our decision. We can take the advice of other people, but, if we really feel one course of action is the right choice, that is what we should do. Don’t give too much importance to the opinions of society; it is your life, not theirs.

Speak With A Friend

Sometimes the indecision can go round our mind in circles, creating a downward spiral of indecision. When this occurs it is good to discuss the problem with a trusty friend. We should not ask the friend to choose for us. But, talking about the issue will help to clarify the problem and get a better perspective; once we have done this it will be easier to choose.

You Won’t Regret Being Kind

If you are having difficulties choosing, consider your motives. Sometimes we want to take a selfish approach, but, some inner conscience is holding us back creating indecision. In these circumstances, we will not regret being kind to others, but, if we act only for our self interest then we often will.

Set Priorities

In life there are always things that we won’t have time to do. We can’t do everything nor should we try. What is important is to have a clear idea of our priorities – family, relationships, our inner life, sport or whatever. When we are faced with decisions, we can quickly refer to our priorities. Maybe your boss wants you to work overtime – the extra money would be nice, but, if you are clear about prioritizing your family life then it will be much easier to immediately say no. It is not possible to have the best of all worlds. We cannot expect to dedicate everything to our career and also spend quality time with our friends and relatives.

Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained

Sometimes we become indecisive because our mind is worrying over all the potential problems. Rather than looking at the problems consider the opportunities. An indecisive mind will always pick up on drawbacks of decisions. Focus on the potential of the situation and this will help make your more decisive; when an opportunity comes along go for it.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include Listening to the Inner Voice.

Image by DerrickT.

When We Talk Too Much

Nervousness / Insecurity

Sometimes we talk out of insecurity and nervousness. We feel it is our obligation to fill any silence with conversation – even if it is mostly meaningless and conversation just for the sake of it. Often, if we lack a sense of inner poise, we cover up by nervously chattering. But if we have nothing interesting, worthwhile or important to say, we should not worry about keeping quiet. Don’t feel obliged to force conversation; be at peace with yourself and allow conversation to be natural.

Talking About Yourself

Talking about yourself is the biggest mistake people tend to make. There is someone at work who is terrible at talking about himself and his activities. If you go to ask for a paper clip, you will have to endure several minutes of hearing about his recent camping holiday. Do matter how much you fidget and signal that you are completely bored – he won’t stop his monologue. All you want is a paper clip, but you have to endure the tedious exploits of an Englishman camping in Provence.

The general rule for talking is that we talk to serve others not ourselves. When talking we should be offering something to the other person such as humor, information, consolation, entertainment… basically anything so long as it is worthwhile for the other person. But, if we talk only about ourselves and feed our ego, we might as well just be talking to ourselves.

Hint, look at people’s body language. If they are trying to make an exit, if they have their head in their hands, if they are staring off into the distance, or if they keep trying to butt in, it means they are bored with your monologue on your recent camping holiday. You can rest your vocal chords.

Gossip

Talking about people’s bad qualities, perhaps even exaggerating their mistakes and foibles, is a bad habit. It is unfortunate that social and work situations often lead to people gossiping about others. However, just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t mean we have to join in. The problem is that we often get sucked in to criticizing others when inwardly we would rather not join in. This is a situation where there is no harm in keeping silent. People will respect someone who can remain aloof from gossipy situations. If you criticize others at the earliest opportunity you will not be trusted, but gain a reputation as an unreliable friend. It is in situations like this where there is a great dignity in maintaining silence.

Running Commentary Watching TV / Video

Sometimes a good film can be spoiled by a ‘know it all’ who feels obliged to offer a running commentary. One of my favorite films – Lord of the Rings part II was ruined because two friends had a running argument about whether it was true to the book. “But, Gandalf’s horse wasn’t white in the book….” “Yes, but, I’m sure the Elf’s ears weren’t as pointy as that.” Does it really matter? Do everyone a favor and let us enjoy the film. One other example: the last football world cup was painful enough with England playing badly; but, it was made infinitely worse because my good friends persistent and repetitive criticism of the 4-5-1 formation. When things go badly, it is not necessary to repeatedly point them out, it only makes our suffering worse.

When You Have Nothing Good To Say

My Mother used to say. “If you can’t think of anything good to say about someone, then say nothing.” Useful advice, but, how many people put it into practice?

When We Talk Too Little

Ignoring Newcomers Because it is Too Much Effort

It is easy to become insular, we want to only talk to people whom we know. We tend to ignore newcomers because it requires extra effort and it requires us to step out of our comfort zone. However, this is a case where it is good to make an effort. Newcomers will appreciate our effort to extend a hand of friendship. By not talking to new people we become more self absorbed in a small circle of people. We should be willing to talk to new people and make them feel welcome.

Resentment

In How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationships, one suggestion I made was that it is a big mistake to bottle up resentment about other people. If we have grievances about someone else it is often helpful to talk, even if it is not about the problem directly. Talking often helps to clear the air and realize that small misunderstandings are just that – misunderstandings and not a reason to develop a dislike of the person. As long as we talk with a good attitude, without anger and resentment then talking will help to alleviate many situations.

Aloofness

Sometimes we feel almost too proud to talk to some people. We have a subtle feeling of superiority that prevents us talking to people ‘lower’ than us. For example, would you talk to the company cleaner, and get to know them by name? It is a mistake to be aloof because of different social position.

Shyness

Some people think that shyness has a certain cuteness. However, shyness often prevents us from expressing our real personality and from talking people we would like to. Shyness springs from insecurity and fear about saying the wrong thing. But, this is the wrong approach; as long as we are true to our selves we should not worry about saying the wrong thing. We shouldn’t feel obliged to try and impress others. Don’t let shyness be a barrier to talking to people.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include The Unexpected Power of Gratitude.

Images from iStockphoto and milenamihaylova.

Every relationship in our life – friendships, family, romantic and professional – can potentially be destroyed by conflict. The solution is not to ignore the conflict or keep moving around hoping to find a set of perfect people. We need to deal with the problems we currently face, otherwise they will just reappear elsewhere.

To a large extent, the only thing we can change in relationships is ourself and our own attitude. We can’t expect to change other people, but we can learn to deal with relationships in a way that promotes harmony and diffuses conflict. Resolving conflicts in relationships is one of the most important life skills we can develop and it is something we need to value.

Seeing the Issue From the Other Person’s Perspective

If we have a difficult issue, it is important to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. This does not mean we have to agree with their viewpoint; it means we try to see the issue from a different perspective. This empathy can at least help us to understand where they are coming from, and why they have their particular mindset. If we can do this we may wish to moderate our stance because we understand why they are acting in a certain way. If we only look at things from our perspective, conflict will be much more likely to occur. For example, a parent dealing with difficult children should consider the perspective that children can have at that point in life.

Tolerance

A major cause of conflict in relationships is when we expect people to behave in a certain way. The problem with expecting certain behaviour is that we get upset when they fail to live up to our expectations. Even those close to us are not our responsibility; we need to be tolerant of their mistakes and limitations. We have to respect their decisions on how to live their life. This detachment is not indifference; we shall retain concern and goodwill, but there comes a point where we need to give people the freedom to make their own choices – even if we don’t agree with them. This is especially true for parents who have an overbearing expectation of how their children will live their lives.

Dealing with Anger

Unfortunately, if we respond to situations by getting angry we will exacerbate the problem. Anger embodies a feeling of aggression and condemnation which people struggle to deal with it. Invariably it encourages people to respond in a similar way. If we feel angry, the best solution is to avoid talking / arguing at that particular time. We should calm our anger before confronting other people. Any conflict will only be exacerbated by anger. Similarly, if people approach us with anger, we have to respond in a different way – silence is better than getting mad at someone.

Value Harmony

To a large extent we get what we aspire for. If we really value harmony in our relationships with others, then we will make it happen. If we give greater important to proving ourselves right and our own ego, then there will be a constant feeling of superiority and inferiority which breeds conflict. If we keep reminding ourselves of the desirability of harmony we won’t allow ourselves to become cantankerous and miserable; we will work hard to think of others.

Oneness

The real secret to maintaining good relationships is generating a feeling of oneness. This means we will feel happy at the success of others; we will sympathize when they experience difficulties; we will endeavour to avoid hurting their feelings. In oneness there is no superiority and inferiority. Without oneness, we are prone to feelings of pride, jealousy and insecurity. If you feel a really genuine sense of oneness with other people, how can you want to hurt them?

Insecurity and Inner Poise

When we are full of insecurities our relationships become more difficult. The problem is that if we are insecure about ourselves we can become judgemental about other people; to make ourselves feel better we will start criticizing others. We may not be conscious of this, but it does happen. When we are peace with ourselves, good relationships will be natural. When we have inner peace and poise, we don’t rely on other people to give us security and praise. When we are at peace with ourselves, we tend to have a sympathetic and positive view of the world. Often we want to blame bad relationships on other people; but, actually the only thing we can really do is to work on ourselves. If we develop inner peace and poise our relationships will definitely improve.

Talking

When tense situations arise, talking can be the most effective way of moving past the problem. Some things are best left unsaid; it is inadvisable to bring up old conflicts unless absolutely necessary. When talking we should try to converse on positive issues; look for things which we agree on and can work together on.

Perspective

Don’t get upset about little things. In the great cosmic game, most of the minor personality conflicts are relatively insignificant. If we get mad when someone doesn’t do the washing up, how are we going to react when they do something really bad? If you find yourself getting worked up by a series of small things, take a step back and try to evaluate their relative importance. For each minor failing try to think of a really good quality of that person. If you are sincere you will feel that this good quality is far more important than the minor indiscretion.

Raising Problems

Although we don’t want to bring up old scores, sometimes it is important to make another person aware of the problems they are creating. If we feel someone else is constantly doing something wrong, we need to make them aware of their behaviour in a non confrontational way. Often people just aren’t aware of the problems they are creating and may actually appreciate being made aware of the problem. The best approach is to try and make them aware of how their actions cause pain to others; but, we need to try and do it in a way that doesn’t make them feel excessively guilty. Give them room and encouragement to make the necessary change.

No conflict is intractable. If we are willing to change our attitude we can develop harmony even with difficult people. It is always important to be positive and forget the past. If we can develop harmony in our relationships, it will definitely make a big difference to our life.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include How to Avoid Becoming a Grumpy Old Man.

Images courtesy of iStockphoto and *Zara.

Sometimes it is necessary to step back and realize how stressed we are. If we are not careful, stress can creep up on us and we will become unhappy without realizing it. However, once we are aware of how stressful our lives are, then we can take steps to reduce it. Nothing is as valuable as inner peace; but, it is not something we can buy – it is something we have to cultivate ourselves.

1. Relaxation Exercises

The state of your body will have an effect on your mind and vice versa. If you body is tense, it is reflection of your stressful mind. Learning to relax the body can be a helpful way to reduce stress. A very simple relaxation exercise is to tense and relax your muscles. Concentrate on a particular area and tense the muscles. Then let go of all tension and try to feel as relaxed as possible; feel all the stress and tension leaving the body. Try lifting up an arm, if it drops with a thud this is a sign that you are relaxed; if there is resistance this is a sign of tension.

2. Physical Exercise

We were not built to spend 15 hours a day sitting in front of the TV, driving a car and sitting at a desk. If we do no exercise and are lethargic, life becomes unbalanced. Taking physical exercise gives great relief both mentally and physically. Exercise releases different chemicals which contribute to a feeling of well being. It is also an opportunity to clear the mind and concentrate on something completely different. Often when we are stressed, the idea of exercise doesn’t sound appealing; it is easy to think of excuses like “I don’t have time”. But, here we are making a mistake; we need to make time and once we try we will definitely appreciate the benefits of exercise.

3. Deal with One Thing at A Time

When we have several demands on our time we feel stressed. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by demands placed on our time. The secret is to deal with one problem at a time and do what we can to improve the situation. When we have taken the necessary steps we can forget about it and move on to the next thing. Either take appropriate action or leave it. But, don’t just worry helplessly.

4. Delegate

Most people who are stressed feel that they are indispensable for many different things. Often, there is a desire to be in control of many situations and this is what produces stress. Let go of the need to control and delegate to other people. If things don’t happen exactly as you want, don’t worry. It is important to be able to delegate and give up a feeling of indispensability.

5. Spending Time in Nature

There is a lot to be said from escaping from the pressures of city life. It can even be in our own back garden. Our surroundings have an important impact on our state of mind so we need to cultivate a sense of calmness in our surroundings. Even the addition of pot plants to our office can help a positive calming influence.

6. Step Back from the Rush of Life

We need to spend time to cultivate our inner resources. If we are constantly dealing with external issues we will gradually feel worn down. If we take time out to read, meditate and be alone, we can cultivate some inner peace and detachment. It is this that gives us a fresh perspective and helps to deal with problematic issues. We need to make the time for ourselves, if we don’t, we won’t be able to cultivate inner peace and avoid stress.

7. Breathing Exercise

Another excellent exercise for relieving stress is a simple breathing exercise. This can be practised anywhere, although it is better if you can be alone so you don’t get distracted. Good breathing exercises should be quite natural and spontaneous; there should be nothing forced.

• Breathe in. As you breathe in, feel you are not just mechanically breathing in. But, feel it is new life and real energy.
• Hold the breathe momentarily. When you hold the breathe be aware of a moment of stillness and silence.
• When you breathe out, feel you are contracting all your muscles and expelling all the tension in the body.
• Concentrate on this contraction for 10-15 seconds, putting all your focus and attention on the relaxation that ensues from releasing the tension.

Another tip for simple breathing exercise is simply to be conscious of your breathing and try to keep it calm and relaxed. If you feel particularly stressed, you can just silently focus on these exercises. They can be practised anywhere and will provide real relief from stress

8. Don’t Magnify Problems

Sometimes our mind can magnify problems and make small issues appear big. This is a sure way to needlessly create stress. Don’t worry excessively, keep a check on your thoughts and avoid creating needless anxieties. If we can keep our thoughts in perspective and avoid a negative mindset, we will be effective in minimizing our stress levels.

9. Priorities

Make sure that your priorities are not skewed. If you spend all your time worrying about meeting work targets you are probably living an unbalanced life. Give work related targets their due place. Don’t overrate them; remember the important things in life; if you miss your earning targets it’s not the end of the world. Don’t stress over relatively unimportant things.

10. Laugh

The greatest tension reliever is to laugh. If you life is joyless and without humour, it will be a dour affair. When we are serious, we are inevitably stressed. Laughter or even just smiling can relieve stress. Don’t take life too seriously; search out people who are happy to look on the bright / funny side of life. Avoid being surrounded only by people who have ambitious goals for you to achieve.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include: Five Ways to Reclaim the Energy You Waste Every Day. Images by Stiickler and Mode.

Often we are our own worst enemy. We make mistakes, but struggle to admit them. In some cases we try to justify our bad actions and motives, only to have our self deception heighten our mistakes.

To grow and develop we need to develop the capacity for honesty and self evaluation. It is only when we can admit where we are going wrong that we can start to put things right.

The following are some common things many of us struggle to admit. Can you see yourself in any of these?

Other’s Faults are Our Own

It is easy to pick fault with other people. In fact, often we gain a subtle enjoyment from highlighting the faults of others. If we are truly honest, however, we will see that when we criticize other people we actually have the very same weakness ourselves. Perhaps we may not make this mistake quite as frequently or as badly, but we still share it to some extent.

A funny example is how frequently people will say things like, “X is such a terrible gossip, he’s always negative and criticizing other people.” We say things like this; but ironically, we are doing exactly what we are criticizing them for! Another interesting point is that often people who grow to dislike each other are often very similar. The faults and personality traits we can’t stand in other people, are often traits of our own personality. I’m sure you can think of two people who dislike each other, but share many similarities in habits and personalities.

We are Wrong

Why can we find it so difficult to admit that we are in the wrong? It is because we worry about our ego and what others think. But, when we avoid the truth we only compound the situation and make things worse. We appreciate people who can admit they are wrong and then resolve to avoid repeating the mistake.

We are responsible for what happens in our life

When things go wrong we are tempted to blame other people and external events beyond our control. We feel a helpless victim and use excuses to justify our unhappiness. External events can definitely make things difficult, but, ultimately what counts is how we respond and deal with situations. Two people can live through the same experience, but come through with a completely different outlook.

If we wait for outer circumstances to be favorable, we may be continually waiting. We need to learn how to make the most of our fate. If we can retain a positive outlook and aspire to overcome difficulties we will be able to improve our fate. Our thoughts and inner state of mind have the capacity to draw things into our life. If we expect problems we will inevitably generate them in some form. If we are open to attracting good experiences then they will also come.

We Don’t Really Know What Makes Us Happy

Everyone has a long list of things they would like; material wealth, the right job etc. But, when we attain our desire, the happiness is fleeting and is inevitably merely replaced by another desire. For good reason, George Bernard Shaw quipped:

“There are two tragedies in life, one is to get our heart’s desire. “

Fulfillment of outer desires can, at best, give temporary happiness. True, inner happiness depends on developing inner peace not dependent on favorable occurrences in the outer world.

We are Drawn to the Negative

Our mind is instinctively drawn to negative viewpoints. We remember our mistakes, but forget our good deeds; we pick up on the faults of others, but remain blind to their good qualities. If we read a newspaper the world seems an endless stream of problems and injustice. However, this is only one perspective on life; we spend too long in a negative frame of mind and fail to see the bigger picture. There are always weeds in a garden, but we shouldn’t forget to appreciate the flowers and feel miserable for the number of weeds.

We Cannot Change Other People

We often feel that we will be able to change other people, especially those close to us. However, in practice, we cannot be responsible for others. Sometimes if we try to force change, it only makes things worse. It means we need to develop a detachment to other people. What we can do is seek to inspire, encourage and motivate them to do the right thing. We can offer support and concern, but, ultimately, it is only the other person who can change themselves.

Stress is Often of Our Own Making

In modern life it is very easy to feel excessively busy. We can easily create things to do, leading to stressful situations. Yet, many of these self appointed tasks are not as indispensable as our ego might like to admit. There is a temptation to add tasks without evaluating how essential they are. If we are determined to create time for ourselves we can do it.

Tejvan Pettinger lives in Oxford where he writes on issues of self improvement and self development. He updates a blog Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent blog posts include: Five Ways to Reclaim the Energy You Waste Every Day.

Images courtesy of Cristiane Sousa and Aussiegall.

It is an oft repeated axiom that money cannot buy happiness. While this is certainly true, poverty will not buy happiness either. Some people become very wealthy, yet struggle to enjoy their lives. On the other hand, others manage to go through life with very few money problems simply because they are able to make the most of what they have.

Ideally you should try to combine both prosperity and happiness. To do this I recommend the following steps:

1. Learn to Value Simplicity

The aim of life should not be to accumulate as many possessions and as much wealth as possible. We should learn to be content with what we have and appreciate the benefits of simplicity. For example, if we clear out our unnecessary clutter we will achieve a greater feeling of space and freedom.

If you feel happiness is directly related to material possessions, you are making a mistake. Happiness can be gained just through being content with a small amount of possessions. Our inner wealth is not just about what we have, but what we are content to live without.

2. Do Not Be Attached to Your Money

Does it pain you to spend your own money – even if it is for something useful? Even someone like Bill Gates can feel uncomfortable spending his billions; it is said he used to always travel economy class because he didn’t see the need to spend more money on first class. The problem with this, however, is that if we are always reluctant to spend money we miss the whole point of earning it.

A good attitude is to see money as a circular flow – that is, spending money enables more to come into our lives. It is not like a big dam where we just try to hold onto it all. We need to let the money out by spending on useful and necessary things. It is no good having a stockpile of water unless we use it to generate power; similarly it is no use accumulating large savings if we we feel miserable spending it.

3. Minimize Money Worries

We will be happiest if we can make money a small part of our lives, and think about money issues as little as possible. To be able to do this we need to avoid creating situations of debt as getting out of debt can be difficult and stressful. Learn to live within your means by avoiding impulsive overspending. If you do need to go into debt, plan ahead and find a loan which is clear and manageable to repay.

Try to avoid complicated and risky investment plans; these give you the potential to gain more, but you will also have the potential to lose a lot more. Good financial planning should be simple and well balanced; this means your nerves will not be affected by worrying about the outcome of your investment. It is better to invest and save in something secure so you can forget about it and not worry endlessly.

4. Avoid Jealousy

No matter how much money you have, do you still envy people who have more? A recent survey asked people whether they would prefer to have a salary above the national average. Alternatively, they could choose to have a higher salary, but this higher salary would be lower than the average. A surprising amount of people chose to have a lower salary as long as it meant they were relatively better off than the rest of the population.

To me this makes no sense. If other people become wealthier than you, that is no reason to be unhappy. If other people are prosperous that is good; don’t feel miserable just because you cannot keep up with the Joneses.

5. Don’t Live to Work.

Do you find yourself working overtime in the evenings and at the weekend? If you spend all your time working, you will have no opportunity to spend your earnings. Don’t feel guilty for turning extra work down; it is important to give leisure time as high a priority as work. It is good if we can gain satisfaction from work, but if we only spend time working then our life lacks a proper balance.

6. Understand Why Are Some People Always Poor

I’m sure most people will have good friends who always seems to have money concerns. No matter what happens they always seem to be short of money and they frequently share tales of financial woe. The lack of money makes them unhappy, but they don’t know how to change the situation. Giving them money doesn’t solve the problem because they continue to make bad financial decisions.

Part of the problem lies in their mindset. It is easy to become accustomed to being poor and then half expecting the poverty to continue. With this mindset, it becomes difficult to attract money into our lives and easy to develop feelings of self pity and regret. However, while we might be unfortunate it won’t do anything to resolve the situation. The secret is to try and change our habits and approach to money. Also, be wary about trying to convert others to better financial habits – it is almost guaranteed to fail.

7. Ignorance is Not Bliss

Another attitude to money is to try and avoid thinking about it. We ignore the true extent of our debts, spending and leaving unpaid bills. We frequently miss out on moving to better financial deals and make late payments which harm our credit rating. By ignoring money like this, we merely create more serious problems for the future.

Also, when we put off dealing with financial problems we carry the problem in the back of our mind. We can get no peace of mind because we permanently have a long list of things to deal with. It is better in these circumstances to promptly deal with things like paying bills and sorting out your accounts – then we can forget about them.

8. Develop A New Perspective

The following are some money related questions you should ask yourself:

• Am I happy with my financial situation?
• Would more money make my life better?
• Do I always have financial problems hanging over my head?
• Is money the most important thing in my life?
• Is the pursuit of money making me miserable?
• Would I sacrifice principles to make more money?

Even just answering these questions honestly may encourage a new perspective towards money.

Tejvan Pettinger works as an economics teacher and writer. He writes on issues of personal finance at his blog Simple Finance – helping to simplify finance. Images from Velo City and iStockPhoto.

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While your natural tendency may be to avoid them at all costs, it’s better to deal with them in a thoughtful manner. This is crucial to your career. If you develop the ability to work with anyone and handle the tough nuts, you’ll be the natural choice for promotions and leadership positions.

The following are some suggestions for resolving potentially awkward work situations. Just remember, if we can learn to effectively deal with difficult people our work life will become much less stressful and far more enjoyable.

Self Confidence

When our lives are made difficult by unsympathetic and dominating people we can quickly lose our self-confidence. To avoid this it is important not to value the opinions of negative people. If we can maintain a self confidence and self belief then it will be easy to ignore the criticisms of difficult work colleagues. Self confidence will not be built by heavily criticizing the difficult person. Self confidence comes through remembering our own positive qualities.

Should You Find a New Job?

Sometimes the people we work with are so awkward that we want to move and get another job. This is a difficult choice. The first thing to remember is that if we move jobs, there is a high chance we will meet similar problems, just with a different set of people. If we keep moving jobs with the hope of finding an office full of saints, we will be continually on the move.

The first thing is to try and deal with the situation; we need to be detached from the awkward person as much as possible. However, if we have really tried everything possible and work is still making us miserable, then is it worth considering a new job. We spend so much of our waking time in our job that we can’t allow unpleasant people to spoil it.

Dealing with a Dominating Boss

Some people enjoy bossing others around; maybe they have their own insecurities and so they try to take it out on their work colleagues. If you have a dominating boss there are no easy solutions. One solution is to give in on little things and consider them as insignificant. If they insist on small issues are done in a certain way then just comply. Generally, it is not worth arguing about the best place to store the stapler – save your energy for more important issues. Don’t feel bad about having to follow these small instruction instructions, even if you don’t agree with them. Just see it as part of your job.

However, whilst it is good to give in on small things, there are certain issues where we cannot allow ourselves to be pushed around. If your boss is encouraging you to be unpleasant to others, lie or perform deceptive actions, then you should not feel compelled to follow. If you feel inwardly awkward about something then avoid doing it. If you start to follow all the whims of your boss, they will invariably seek to exploit your willingness and only ask you to do more awkward tasks.

If you are asked to do something you feel is wrong, you should also try seek the support of other members of staff and someone more senior in the company. In these situations it is not helpful to suffer in silence; a good company should have a support procedure for this kind of eventuality. If your company has no support structure in procedure, consider looking for help from independent bodies who can offer advice.

Avoiding Arguments

Difficult people are usually even more troublesome when you get into arguments. If you are asked to do something you disagree with, it might be appropriate to maintain a silence and just avoid doing it. If your boss encourages you to do the wrong thing, don’t feel obliged to tell him why he is wrong. Dominating people dislike being told they are wrong; in response they will just be defensive and more aggressive.

Instead, just continue to do the right thing. For example, if you are encouraged to speak badly of other colleagues just refuse to do it; make a point of picking out some positive qualities of that person. In these circumstances actions speak louder than words. Rather than arguing directly with our boss, we just don’t follow their bad advice. This means we can avoid doing the wrong thing without having to tell our boss why they are mistaken. This may not help in every circumstance but it is often worth trying.

Dealing With Constant Criticism

Some people seem to have an eye for picking up on people’s faults. No mistake, no matter how small, seems to escape their attention. They even seem to get a certain sense of satisfaction from pointing it out. These kind of people are not much fun to work with, but we shouldn’t let them make our work an unpleasant experience.

Firstly, don’t take all their criticisms to heart. If our presentation has a few errors, it doesn’t mean we are a bad person. If someone is pointing out all our mistakes, remember all the good things you have done; critical people are often blind to the positive contributions people can make. Don’t respond in kind. If we respond to criticism by finding similar faults in the other person there will be no end to the negativity. Either just ignore it or try to find some good things that other people have done. Just smile and remember how insignificant their complaints are.

Leave Work at Work

The good thing about working with difficult people is that at least at the end of the day, you can forget all about your work. But, make sure you do completely switch off from work, and avoid thinking about work problems in the evening and at the weekends. Develop a social life that doesn’t involve just meeting work colleagues. It is good to make a clean break where there is no chance of the conversation being dominated by boring work stuff.

If you find yourself worrying about awkward people away from work, it is a sign that they are having an unhealthy impact on your life. If this is the case, you need to feel greater detachment. Just try not to think about them, tell yourself that whatever problem exists can wait until the next workday.

Conclusion

It is not easy to offer advice about how to deal with difficult people. Every case is different. Whilst maintaining silence may be appropriate in one case, in another circumstance it may be better to seek the help of other people. There is no simple formula for dealing with difficult people. However, certain principles can make your life easier.

The most important thing is to learn how to detach yourself from the problems at work. This means we don’t allow awkward people to dominate our lives. The most effective way to do this is be careful what we think about. We need to ignore their complaints and criticisms and develop our self confidence. If we can develop self confidence then it will be much easier to deal with whatever situation we are facing.

Elsewhere: How to Deal With Bully Bosses

This article was written by Tejvan Pettinger. Tejvan lives in Oxford where he works as a teacher. He enjoys writing on topics of self improvement and updates a blog called Sri Chinmoy Inspiration. Recent articles include: When and How to Criticise Others.