‘The Marriage of Figaro’ courtesy of TheIntelligencer

Despairingly, he looked at her, shook his head, and asked, “Whatever happened to us? We don’t laugh any more; we used to always be laughing!”

With contemptuous expression and voice, she retorted, “Yes, but not at the same time.”

This one line from a classic moment of the British sitcom Fawlty Towers illuminated Basil and Sybil Fawlty’s entire relationship.

Is a happy, long-lasting marriage really still possible? Well, I suppose we’ll find out in fifty years. Of course, if you’re being abused and bullied, your spouse has defaulted on ‘the deal’ (remember ‘to love and to cherish’?); no one should stay in an abusive marriage. But our ‘throw away society’ sometimes causes perfectly good relationships to be too quickly discarded because they don’t seem ideal.

How ironic that the recent obsession with ‘personal fulfilment’ – the importance of oneself at the expense of others – has resulted in more people feeling unfulfilled, sad, and lonely. Marriages crash and burn, spouses are upgraded to newer, ‘better’ ones. Have commitment, duty, and responsibility been abandoned at the expense of happiness?

Happy marriages for greater health

To some, marriage may seem old-fashioned, but research repeatedly shows that people who stay married to one partner are the happiest (1) and that married people are statistically happier and longer-lived (2) than their unmarried counterparts.

Fortunately, we now know why some marriages work and some don’t, what happy marriages should avoid, and what actions need to be encouraged for healthier and happier marriages.

Certainly no marriage is perfect, but many are happy. There are difficulties in happy marriages, but there is also an enduring sense of ‘us’, not just ‘you and me’. If both of you heed these strategies, who knows – maybe in fifty years you’ll be telling me about all the health, psychological benefits, and happiness you enjoyed.

Secret 1) Keep your relationship expectations realistic

As wonderful as it is to be romantic and see the best in your partner, you need to be able to except some imperfections over the (hopefully many) years with your spouse. In the initial throes of passion, the object of our romantic focus may seem perfection personified, but then we discover their ‘feet of clay’. For the marriage to last after this point, we need to see beyond personal failings and foibles – after all, no one is perfect. Now and again, all marriages need work; expecting it all to be perfect and effortless creates disappointment (as unrealistic expectations always do).

Idealize your partner, by all means – whilst remembering they are human.

Secret 2) Send these relationship-ruining riders on their way

Some happily married couples argue passionately. Other relationships experience fewer arguments, but suffer severe damage when they do happen. What’s different?

It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. After spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, American psychologist John Gottman can now tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples are heading towards relationship breakdown and which are likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers in Seattle (3) found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

“…I only offered you a cup of tea!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging that criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at one-off behaviours. For example: “You are such a lazy £”*tard!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

Some people believe they are trying to ‘improve’ their spouse by constantly pointing out their faults. Even if the intention is good, the consequences are not. Public criticism is humiliating (for both partners), but saying nice things when in company is a wonderful thing to do.

People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Spend more time reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them. No one likes to feel they are under constant attack.

4. Withdrawal or ‘stonewalling’: Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when your partner complains is another huge breakdown predictor. Men are more likely to stonewall, whilst their wives were generally more critical. Male biology is less able to cope with strong emotion, so men may instinctively use stonewalling in an attempt to avoid entering arguments or becoming highly aroused.

The partner may ‘switch off’ to withdraw during conversations or ultimately ‘escape’ by spending more and more time away from the relationship. The danger lies in the stonewalling pattern becoming permanent and that partner using this strategy to isolate themselves from potentially positive parts of the relationship.

Everyone needs space, but never responding to emotional issues leaves the other partner out in the cold.

Surprisingly, even if only one of these ‘riders’ is a regular participant in disputes, the relationship’s outlook is poor. Does your marriage contain any of these ‘riders’?

And how else can you make your marriage happier?

Secret 3) Know what not to talk about and when to stop talking

Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’.

However, studies of elderly couples happily married for decades show that they often don’t listen very closely to what the other says when conveying negative emotion. And they tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they decide that something absolutely must be done. This threshold is set much higher than in younger couples.

So the typical advice columnists’ plea to ‘air issues’ and get ‘everything out in the open’ doesn’t actually contribute to healthy long-term relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing what subjects to avoid is a key relationship skill.

Another key feature of arguments within long-surviving relationships is the habit of changing the subject once the discussion has ‘run its course’. The ‘quick shift’ decreases the experienced amount of negative emotion and reduces the chance for later rumination. It also conveys, “We can argue and still get on with each other.” Thus, the argument is contained, stopping it from contaminating the entire relationship.

Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And don’t forget that fun is also vital…

Secret 4) Maintain a 5:1 good to bad ratio

According to Dr Gottman, stable marriages experience five good interactions for every not-so-good one. A ‘good’ interaction might be a loving hug, spending a fun afternoon together, or a pleasant chat about a movie; anything positive. ‘Bad’ interactions include rows, disagreements, or disappointment.

So make efforts to honor the 5:1 rule. Following the next tip will help this work even more.

Secret 5) Learn to read (love) maps

Remember the old Mr. and Mrs. TV show? (I think it may have been updated.) The basic idea was this: One partner went behind a soundproof screen whilst the host asked the other partner questions about their partner’s life and preferences. For example: “Where in the world would your wife most like to travel?” or “What drink would your husband most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more the answers correlated, the stronger the relationship. And research seems to support this.

Having a good ‘love map’ means knowing your partner’s tastes, aspirations, which of their co-workers they like or dislike, and so on. Stronger bonds are created by knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy). One woman I worked with didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company and one husband couldn’t tell me the name of their family dog! (Much to his wife’s consternation: “He shows no interest!”)

For better relationship navigation, strengthen and update your love maps.

Fostering a happy marriage is a wonderful way to ensure long-lasting contentment for you both. Ask your partner to read this, as well, so both of you can follow these tips.

Then the two of you can enjoy learning what not to do to maintain a happy marriage by watching Fawlty Towers DVDs.

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has created many articles and audios on self help and personal development, including many on relationship problems and marriage.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

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(1) In a paper called, “I just want to get married – I don’t care to who! Marriage, Life Satisfaction and Educational Differences in Australian Couples”, doctoral candidate Shane Worner of Australian National University reported that married people are happier than unmarried people. Worner surveyed 5,000 Australians, asking them to rank their level of happiness on a scale from one to ten, then inquired as to their marital status. In general, Worner found that married men are 135% more likely to report a high happiness score than single men. In contrast, married women are only 52% happier than their unmarried counterparts. Another UK-based study found that both married men and women were happier than non-married, but women more so than men.

(2) Professor Robert Kaplan, who led the study, said: “A variety of studies have shown that unmarried adults have a higher probability of early death than those that are married. Accumulated evidence suggests that social isolation increases the risk of premature death.” The findings are based on national census and death certificates of nearly 67,000 adults in the USA between 1989 and 1997.

(3) Dr Gottman has studied couples for over two decades at his ‘love lab’ in Seattle.

Stay Focused on Getting Slimmer and Staying that Way

“I’m going to be a fat blob on my wedding day!” The voice on the other end of the phone was desperate. “Can you help me?”

So Karen came to see me. “It’s always the same,” she told me. “I’m motivated for a few days and lose weight, then something happens. I gain everything – and more – back again! My wedding’s in three months! That should be motivation enough, but lately my weight’s been even more all over the place!”

Karen was right. Weight loss motivation is easy…at first. Rapid progress, compliments, wearing outfits you really want to, feeling more attractive, having more energy. All this positive feedback is motivating, captivating. Yet this weight loss ‘honeymoon period’ inevitably wanes. And then it can get tough.

Slim people do it! How?

Living as a slim person is a way of life. A healthy weight won’t be sustainable long-term if it requires constant positive feedback and the excitement of feeling newly slimmer.

“What do you mean: ‘Something happens’?” I asked Karen.

“Well, I might have a problem at work, or my kids wind me up, or I start worrying about being fat at my wedding!”

Ah, so Karen, like millions of people who struggle with their weight, was using food for emotional support as well as simply nutrition.

We had a simple goal, then. Karen needed to start thinking and behaving like a slim person long-term, up to and beyond her wedding. What follows are some of the approaches we used; you can ‘make them your own’ so they really work for you.

Tip 1: Think slim

This tip is about that all-important moment: What do you experience just before you eat something? Do you tussle with yourself? “I really shouldn’t… but I want to!” Do you imagine how the food will taste, even feel in the mouth? Or do you focus on the real consequences, rather than the temporary satisfactions of eating?

People who are overweight tend to imagine how food is going to taste and feel as they eat. In contrast, people who naturally ‘eat slim’ tend to imagine how that pie or cake will feel heavy in their stomachs for so long after they’ve eaten it. Jumping from a great height might feel fun whilst it lasts, but the consequences that come after we hit the ground are what we consider when deciding not to do it.

So when you’re tempted to eat something you don’t need, practice imagining how your stomach is going to feel ten minutes or an hour after you’ve consumed that weight-increasing food. Keep it up until this becomes a natural habit for you.

Tip 2: Surround yourself with slim people

No, I’m not suggesting you dump all your less-than-slender friends. But research has shown that the average body type of the people with whom you hang out affects your weight and size (1). Start hanging around with slimmer, fitter types (perhaps at the gym) and your subconscious mind will pick up a new template for what is ‘normal’. Karen started hanging out and socializing with slim types at a jogging club.

Tip 3: Be fair to yourself

Imagine someone walks up a hundred steps but feels a bit tired, so they stop and step back down one step. They tell you bitterly: “Now I may as well forget this whole idea of reaching the top! I’ve totally blown it!”

What?! You’d think that was crazy, right? Acting as if all that progress, the 99 steps they did climb, never happened – because they had one slip! But people do this all the time when it comes to weight loss.

You lose weight, maybe four or five pounds, maybe much more. But you slip, have a bad day or a ‘weak moment’, and eat something you shouldn’t have. And what do you tell yourself? “I’ve completely blown it! Now I might as well really binge!”

Beware the perfectionism trap. Aim to eat sensibly and healthily most of the time, not all the time. We all consume more than we should of the wrong kind of food or drink now and then.

Everyone’s weight fluctuates a bit and you should prepare for this (once you’ve reached a healthy weight). Have a ‘sliding scale’ in your mind of a couple of pounds on either side of your target weight. No one can live for long under a self-imposed, too harsh dictatorship.

Tip 4: Weight loss is not a cure-all

Sure, being healthier, fitter, and so on will have positive and maybe unexpected ripple effects. However, even as a slimmer person you’ll still have a bad day in the office, moments of self-doubt, or times when you feel undervalued.

Many people feel let down when they become slimmer and then find that being slim doesn’t solve all their problems in one go. They then revert to eating poorly again. Don’t fall into this trap.

You have lots of different needs which need to be fulfilled in life. Being slimmer, healthier, and fitter is just one of them.

Tip 5: Eat when you’re hungry

I know this sounds obvious, but eating sugary foods causes a subsequent crash in energy, leaving you wanting more sweetness. On the other hand, eating for slow energy release is a sustainable way to keep your weight loss motivation firing on all cylinders without you having to consciously think about it. For slow-release energy, eat protein with every meal alongside ‘good carbs’ such as whole grains, vegetables, fruits, and beans. This avoids the ‘crash and burn’ of sugar overdosing.

Karen walked down the aisle over six years ago. I still see her at my gym sometimes. She tells me that the happiest day of her life was so happy because she felt so healthy. The fact that she was slim was (and is) just a happy outer reflection of the changes she’s experienced in the ways she feels and thinks about food.

(1) Having an obese friend dramatically increases the risk of becoming similarly fat, according to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Obesity is ‘socially contagious’, spreading from person to person in a social network, researchers said. The study found that if one person becomes obese, those closely connected to them have a greater chance of becoming obese themselves. Surprisingly, the greatest effect was seen not among people sharing the same genes or household, but among friends.

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has created many  articles and audios on self help and personal development, including many on weight loss.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

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Does Social Anxiety Keep You from Fully Enjoying Life?

Sharon would later cheerfully admit that she had been dreading meeting me; but for now, it was still a sickening nightmare.

Social anxiety is more than just shyness. Just thinking about meeting or mingling with others can cause a pounding heart, shaky voice, rapid breathing, sweating, blushing, an upset stomach… It’s no wonder it sometimes feels easier to avoid other people completely.

For Sharon, even seeing people she’d met many times before – such as family, friends, and colleagues – felt like an ordeal imagined by the Spanish Inquisition. Actually, it was curious:

“I’m okay in a work context or when things are a bit more formal. I know what to talk about. But as soon as it’s kind of unorganized – you know, just mixing with other people – I go to pieces. It’s like I need a well-defined focus or I panic!”

Social anxiety spoils life by getting in the way of what should be fun opportunities to connect with others. Crippling self-consciousness, nervousness, not knowing what to say: all add to the unpleasant mix.

Yes, most people get a little self-conscious at times or feel somewhat shy around others, but social anxiety significantly worsens the quality of life. When you become more confident socially, you open the door to so much – new job opportunities, new friendships, and, of course, more fun.

How do I get rid of social anxiety?

It will come as no surprise that the key is in learning to relax in social situations. When you feel calmer socially, thoughts like: “What do I say next?” disappear. You go into flow and allow conversation to take its own natural path, without feeling you have to force it.

And that horrible feeling of ’all eyes on me‘ fades as it starts to feel much less important if others are focusing on you or not.

The following tips for social confidence will help you feel more relaxed when out with others and allow you to begin your journey from being socially anxious to being the confident person you really can be.

1) Practice being relaxed

Not many people think of worrying as self-programming, but it is. When you worry intensely about upcoming social situations, you are repeatedly linking anxiety to the events. Then when you actually go into the social situation itself, you feel anxious – you’ve programmed yourself to feel this way.

You can start to change this response by taking time to think about the future gathering whilst relaxed – maybe when sitting in a comfortable chair or relaxing in a warm bath. Imagine seeing yourself at the social event, looking relaxed and confident. Do this repeatedly and your body and mind will forge a new and better automatic association to these times.

2) Seek out social situations

Imagine living in a house for thirty years, but always avoiding one room. When you finally ventured into the mysterious room, you might feel a little tense and anxious. Why?

The more we avoid something, the more we send the message to the unconscious mind: “I am avoiding this because it is dangerous.” Your mind, trying to be helpful, builds up the fear of what it is you’re avoiding even more. In nature, we avoid a clump of trees because it might have lions in it or we avoid cliff edges because falling off means death.

We avoid what frightens us and, in return, are frightened by what we avoid. So start actively putting yourself in social situations. In fact, even imagining doing this, as well as doing it for real will help show your unconscious mind: “This is normal.” (See Tip 1)

3) Focus your attention outward

Studies have found that people who rate themselves as shy in social settings have much worse recall for external environmental details because they’ve been looking inward (focusing on their feelings), not outward. So it makes sense to focus outward to lower anxiety. When in social settings, make a mental note of three aspects of the situation you’re in.

For example:

• The colour of the furniture.

• Any pictures on the walls and their subjects.
• What clothes other people are wearing (I must confess I never recall that).

This might seem strange, but it will get you accustomed to focusing away from yourself – which is, after all, the purpose of social situations.

Another way to cultivate outward focus is to ask questions. Social anxiety has us worrying what other people think of us, so focus on other people instead. Be curious. Ask people open-ended questions that require more than just a “yes” or “no” answer. Make a point of remembering what they say and referring back to it later to demonstrate your interest. Again, this forces your focus of attention to shift outward. It’s also nice for other people, meaning you might accidentally make more friends as a ’by-product‘ of this strategy.

Now, overcoming social anxiety is as much about stopping doing certain things as it is about doing new things, so…

4) Use care in how you use your imaginative mind

Your imagination is a wonderful thing. Used constructively, it can be a massive help (see Tip 1 above). But social anxiety often has you using it to scare yourself. This is like using a hammer (a potentially useful tool) to wash the dishes.

Years of public speaking taught me that trying to imagine what people are thinking of you is a big no-no. If you catch yourself ‘mind-reading’, tell yourself the truth: “Look, I really don’t – and can’t – know what these other people are thinking right now!” Ultimately, we can influence what others think of us, but we can never control it. And as you become more socially confident, you’ll care less anyway.

To change any behaviour, your mind needs positive instructions. Don’t think: “I hope I don’t feel terrified as usual!” – this is like someone asking you directions by telling you where they don’t want to end up. Instead, ask yourself: “How do I want to feel in these situations?” And get into the habit of focusing on that.

Find your ‘target feeling’ by looking to times when you are comfortable with others (say, old friends or trusted family members). Then you can use these situations as templates for preparing your mind to perform the way you want in social situations.

To do this, close your eyes and get yourself nice and relaxed. Take time to remember how it feels to be with these familiar people until you get a strong feeling of comfort. Imagine seeing yourself in a formerly less comfortable social situation, but behaving like you do with your trusted friends. This sort of mental rehearsal is extremely powerful and can make a massive difference over time.

5) On being yourself

Part of social anxiety treatment involves teaching people to be relaxed enough to be able to present a less-than-perfect image. That’s right; people who are relaxed about sometimes making a ’bit of a fool of themselves‘ tend to be much more socially confident. There’s no need for you to become a party buffoon, but being prepared to show a less-than-perfect side of yourself is a sign of great confidence. For example, being humorous is a (slight) risk because it might just produce a stony silence (it’s happened to me – no, really!).

The point is that social anxiety gets us caring too much about what others think. Trying to present a perfect front makes us stilted by driving out spontaneity.

Typical self-conscious thoughts are:

• “I hope no one notices I’m tense.”

• “What if people think I’m stupid?!”
• “Who would want to hear anything I have to say?”
• “I think I’m coming across as a weirdo!”

These all imply that occasional tenseness, weirdness, and inappropriate speech are somehow out of the norm for human interaction. Believe me, they’re not (even, I’m sure, inside Buckingham Palace!).

Worrying about ever ’putting a foot wrong‘ is a form of perfectionism. Being a perfectionist is fine when doing surgery, but not for meeting the in-laws or going to that neighbour’s party. Even socially confident people occasionally act a little weird or get the wrong end of a conversation or feel flustered. The difference is, they relax with these things when they do happen.

I worked with Sharon for seven weeks. At the end of that time, she invited me to a party with her husband. We had a real laugh and I could see she was relaxed and having a fun time with many people she’d never even met before (and without too much booze).

I liken overcoming social anxiety to rubbing the rust off a valuable ornament. It may take a little while, but soon enough, the real beauty is evident and things become what they were supposed to be all along.

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has written thousands of articles on self help and personal development, many of which can be found at his website UncommonHelp.me

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

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Dating confidence tips to get you and your date relaxed and having an unforgettable time…

Nervously early for his date, Dave had plenty of time to notice his sweating palms.

“Oh great! What if she wants to shake hands?” He briefly imagined his date’s hand slipping from his like an eel from a greased plate and started feeling a little sick as he frantically dabbed his palms with a napkin. A waiter watched with a seen-it-all blend of sympathy and disdain.

“Just be yourself!” his flatmate – a regular man of the world with more dating confidence than a roomful of James Bonds – had advised. “Blimey, it’s only a date!”

“What does ‘just be yourself’ even mean?” Dave retorted in a panicked tone, trying to cover his shaving rash with an extra-wide 1970s sports-broadcaster-style tie.

He had met Kate at a party during which he’d not been entirely lucid (thanks to some imported German beer). But, he reflected, he must have been entertaining enough; he’s secured this date, after all. Full of liquid courage, he’d finally blurted: “Would you like to meet up?”

Now he wondered: Had his speech slurred? Had she just been too polite to turn him down? Should he reassure her that he wasn’t an alcoholic? No, definitely not a good opener. Would she question why a witty and lively extrovert from the other night had morphed into a shy sack of nerves? Would he even recognize her when she arrived?

Can shyness and confident dating mix?

Dave was naturally shy and was also a great worrier (like many under-confident people): “Would she this? Will I that…?”

Dating had always made him anxious, especially if he really liked the person. “It’s like a sex and marriage interview. The whole time they’re judging you, thinking: ‘Is he good enough for me?’”

“Relax,” his flatmate had said. “Maybe Kate likes completely neurotic men!”

Dave felt uncertain about his appearance, he thought his conversation was boring, and he worried he might run out of things to say. He reminded himself that women find confident men attractive, but somehow this thought made him feel even worse. And he knew he was thinking too much. The problem was he knew (even in the midst of the other night’s alcoholic haze) that Kate was the kind of woman he could really get to like. He sat waiting…

A little nervousness is natural when we start dating someone new. It can even add a little spark, at least initially; but too much can ruin the whole thing. Sure, some people are more naturally confident than others, but confidence can be learned.

So what tried and tested methods can you use to sparkle, shine, relax, and increase your chances of making a great impression?

Tip 1. Plan to be spontaneous

Wait a minute! That seems contradictory. How can we plan spontaneity? Are you crazy, Mark?

Well, let me defend myself here:

Some people make a list of potential topics they can ‘fall back on’ if the conversation starts running out of steam faster than a half-empty iron. It’s not actually a bad idea (just don’t read from the list during the date).

What I suggest is that you write down a list of possible things you could talk about (or dare I say, ask about), then…forget it. Because you’ve thought about it, it’s now  lurking about at the back of your mind. If these topics come out naturally during conversation, all well and good; if they don’t, no matter. But because you’ve planted the ideas in your mind, they’re more likely to arise ‘spontaneously’ during your date. So:

1. Write down possible conversation topics before the date.
2. Close your eyes and imagine seeing yourself (as if projected into a movie) looking relaxed and chatting eloquently with your date.
3. Open your eyes (obviously) and forget about it. These ideas for conversation are now in your unconscious and you’ll find they naturally come to you if they’re needed during the date.

Expecting the best has been shown to be a powerful factor in social confidence. In a 2009 study:

“They told 14 of 28 men recruited for their study that the attractive woman they were going to meet was nervous and worried about how she would be perceived by them. Quite naturally when these men found that the woman was nervous and insecure it made them feel better in comparison. This had the effect of making the men much less anxious about the interaction (actually about half as nervous as judged by independent observers) and consequently much warmer.” (PsyBlog)

Tip 2. It’s (not) all about looks

Wear clothes you feel (and have been told?) suit you. It might sound obvious, but feeling well-groomed actually makes us feel better about everything. We like to think appearance shouldn’t matter, but how we dress and present ourselves inevitably sends signals to others.

Invest in a massage or other beauty treatments before the date (not just for the date, but because doing this will make you feel good).

Or you could exercise before the date. What, and arrive all sweaty? No, shower afterwards, obviously! Seriously; a gentle jog in the park, a game of basketball, or a quick visit to the gym can help dispel nerves (because you’ll be using up energy and flooding your system with ‘feel good’ chemicals, which instantly increase your confidence). And we all look better after moderate exercise; the skin glows and the eyes sparkle.

Having discussed grooming and suggested pre-dating exercise, I now want you to stop worrying too much about the way you look. Yes it’s a cliché to say looks don’t matter and that we should all focus on what’s really important; but if you go by the media, you wouldn’t think there was anything more important. For all I know, you may be drop dead gorgeous, but here’s an interesting idea:

Most women seeking a long-term male partner don’t want ‘incredibly handsome’. Why? They may feel a really handsome man is less likely to be a good long-term bet; he may be more likely to wander and direct his affections elsewhere. And men may feel a ridiculously gorgeous woman will be more aloof and harder to ‘keep’ (1). Research has also found that men prefer (at least for relationships) average girl-next-door-type women, rather than the super-beautiful (2).

So looks are important; but you don’t have to be intimidatingly beautiful. I recall one happily married 80-year-old man eyeing his wife of sixty years lovingly and saying: “She may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but she is to me!”

Tip 3. Desperation is not a good strategy

It’s just a date. If the other person is put off by you saying ‘the wrong thing’, then they weren’t dating material for you anyway. Desperation is driven by anxiety and fear and other people pick up on it. Don’t be looking for signs of rejection or commitment – a date is just a friendly chance to have fun and maybe get to know each other a little better.

Desperately thinking: “S/he could be the one!”, expecting that it should lead to marriage or kids, is way too intense a mindset for what may lead to something or nothing.

Dating is a chance to explore possibilities. Don’t try and rush things or be too pushy. When you visit a new area, you don’t have to decide straight off whether you are going to move there. You just relax, take in the sights, take your time, and see whether it starts to feel right for you

Tip 4. Remember your date is human, too

Dave was so preoccupied by his own dating anxiety that he didn’t even stop to think that Kate might be anxious too. Taking the burden off yourself and working to help the other person relax has a two-way benefit. It helps them feel special and more at ease and diverting your focus away from yourself makes you feel more calm and confident.

Keep an ear on the language you use; words are very powerful and affect the other person. Imagine being out with someone who uses words like “anxious, depressed, bleak, tired, down, useless,” (I could go on) in every other sentence. You’d feel pretty horrible after such a date because of the subliminal effect words have on our consciousness. Even if your date was describing, say, her sister, the overwhelmingly negative effect of the words would start to impact how you feel.

Sprinkle your conversation with ‘happy words’ like “pleased, relaxed, comfortable, interesting, exciting, thrilled,” and so on – pretty soon your date will start to feel good. And this will make them feel good about you.

Tip 5. Calm yourself right down – and that’s right down

Lack of dating confidence can also be described as ‘dating anxiety’ and what’s the antidote to anxiety? Why, calm, of course. Before your date, take time to relax and breathe deeply (remember that making your out-breath a bit longer than your in-breath calms you down). You might listen to a relaxation CD or MP3 and as you do so, imagine actually being on the date and feeling super-calm (but excited enough to be engaged in the experience).

Being more relaxed and calm during your date allows you to feel more spontaneous and playful, all of which means you will have more fun and increase the likelihood you’ll be more attractive.

Tip 6. Flattery can get you everywhere

If you prepared a meal for your date or spent an hour getting ready and they don’t acknowledge this, it can feel like a slap in the face. You might offer something like: “Wow, I have to say you look great tonight…!”

But…

…you’d be better off using sincere, specific compliments. Instead of: “That’s a nice outfit you’re wearing!” (Great, my outfit has been complimented, but I haven’t!)…

How about:

“That’s a beautiful dress you’re wearing.” – then say why it’s beautiful on them – “It really brings out the lovely colour of your eyes…”

“What a lovely kitchen; you have a great eye for design.”

Ultimately, dating should be fun and relaxed. The more open you are to having a great time, even if the chemistry isn’t there, the more you can ensure you have a positively memorable time. And if the chemistry is there…

And what happened with Dave’s date? Well, Kate arrived and straight away apologized for how drunk she’d been at the party. She then fascinated Dave so much by relating lots of funny anecdotes about the ‘crazy day’ she’d just had that he plain forgot to be nervous at all, making any thoughts of ‘dating confidence’ a complete non-issue.

As his flatmate at the time, I was relieved to hear his date had gone so well.

(1) A study at the University of Missouri found that men react negatively to ads depicting unrealistically beautiful women. What’s interesting is it wasn’t images of hot men that got the guys feeling self-conscious – it was images of hot women that had an intimidating and self-esteem-lowering effect on men.

(2) Men find the homely shape of the girl-next-door more appealing than the ‘perfect’ proportions of models and centrefolds, according to an Australian Study. Most attractive of all is Miss Average – a 5ft 4in woman with a 30in waist and 40in hips who wears a size 14. The Australian researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared the most attractive torsos with the vital statistics of eight groups of women, including models, Playboy centrefolds, and normal members of the population. Surprisingly, the real women best matched the ideal body shape, with the best fit being a British size 14, The New Scientist reported.

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has written thousands of articles on self help and personal development, including these on dating advice.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

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“I’ll go for a run just as soon as I finish this article. … Right, should return that call from Roger. … Well, now I’m hungry and I can’t run on an empty stomach. … Now I’m feeling too full. … Rain clouds?! Better wait and see if it clears up. … Great. It’s getting dark now. … What a shame; I really was going to have that run. There’s always tomorrow!”

We lie! To ourselves and anyone who’ll listen. You see, part of me knew I had no intention of going for that run. Actually, I honestly love to exercise. And not just because it helps me sleep deeply and increases my energy.

I know that exercise motivation doesn’t come naturally to most people. It didn’t for me. I had to work at getting and keeping myself motivated to run, do yoga, and weight-lift.

The following tips work for me (and for many of my clients who need to exercise). I know they’ll help your exercise motivation, too.

Tip 1: Don’t think; do

Don’t give yourself time to think about exercise; over-thinking saps motivation. If you scheduled exercise for 5.30 pm and find yourself thinking about it during the day, make yourself think about something else. When 5.30 comes, just do it. Analysis paralysis is not the way to exercise motivation. It’s like getting out of bed; the more you think about it, the more time you spend in bed. Just do it. There are times when it’s best not to think.

Emil Zátopek, one of the greatest middle- and long-distance runners in history, said: “If one can stick to the training throughout the many long years, then willpower is no longer a problem. It’s raining? That doesn’t matter. I am tired? That’s beside the point. It’s simply that I just have to.”

Tell yourself your upcoming exercise session is ‘non-negotiable’. Are you a contender or not?

But if you do start thinking about not doing it …

Tip 2: Imagine how not exercising will make you feel

This is a strange one. After all, most motivators try to get you to focus on how great you’ll feel (which also works). But this tip is shockingly effective.

If you find yourself trying to squirm out of exercise, focus on how you’d feel later if you didn’t exercise. If you don’t go for that walk, yoga, or aerobics session, you feel: disappointment in yourself, weakness, the lack of ‘feel good’ chemicals that would be circulating if only you’d been motivated enough to exercise.

Strongly imagining how you’ll feel if you don’t fulfil your scheduled exercise session may be enough to propel you into action. And, really, there is only ever one exercise session to think about.

Constantly telling yourself, ”I have to exercise three times a week” or ”every day” can feel overwhelming. Why do that? Just tell yourself, ”I am going to exercise today.” That’s all. All those single exercise sessions soon add up.

Tip 3: Remember the wonderful physical benefits of exercise

• Improved heart and lung function
• Healthier complexion
• Better sex life (and more chance of getting one!)
• Better digestion (and bowel function)
• Brighter eyes
• Slimmer and more toned body
• Deeper, more refreshing sleep
• More attractive appearance
• Increased youthfulness
• More efficient metabolism – you even burn more calories between exercise sessions!

I love the thought that, for almost twenty-four hours after an exercise session, you’re burning off more calories than you would have been. Even while sleeping!

Re-read this list between exercise sessions. Keep it fresh in your mind.

Tip 4: Remember the plentiful psychological benefits of regular exercise

• Better mood: Physical movement is the quickest way to produce serotonin (the brain’s ‘happiness chemical’). The more intense the movement, the higher the production of serotonin. Regular exercise three times a week has been found to be more effective at lifting depression than taking antidepressants (1).
• Self-confidence: Regular exercise gives you a sense of self-mastery, increased confidence, and higher self-esteem. This can have knock-on benefits to other areas of life.
• Stress management: Exercise makes you better at dealing with stress. Under pressure, fit people show less physical tension and a lower resting heart rate than less fit individuals.
• Increased intelligence: Working out improves your brain’s performance as well as your body. You can become smarter, and improve your memory and other mental functions! Chess champions often up their physical exercise program before big tournaments.

Tip 5: Vary your exercise routine

Take a week off from the gym or the aerobics class and go jogging in the park instead to get the additional mood-boosting effects of being in nature. A night of dancing is also great exercise. Do some gardening. Take the dog out for a run. Mix it up. Variation is the spice of exercise motivation.

Tip 6: Visualize yourself exercising

The body does what the mind envisions. You are much more likely to do something – anything – if you first strongly imagine seeing yourself doing it (2). The better able you are to visualize yourself exercising (as if watching yourself from the outside), the more motivated you’ll actually be to do it. You’ll have set yourself a mental blueprint that now wants to be activated.

Happily, I’m now at the point where I don’t actually have to feel super-motivated to exercise; it’s something I just do. And I feel bad if I don’t do it. Imagine not cleaning your teeth for a few days. You’d probably be quite keen to get back to it.

Right. With all this in mind, I’m feeling extremely motivated and am off for my daily run. : ) (Seriously.)

Mark Tyrrell is a Guest Blogger for PickTheBrain,  therapist, trainer and author. He has written thousands of articles on self help and personal development, many of which can be found at his website UncommonHelp.me

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

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(1) James A. Blumenthal, Ph.D. and his colleagues surprised many people in 1999 when they demonstrated that regular exercise is more effective than antidepressant medications for patients with major depression.  The researchers studied 156 older adults diagnosed with major depression, assigning them to receive the antidepressant Zoloft (setraline), 30 minutes of exercise three times a week, or both. According to Blumenthal, “Our findings suggest that a modest exercise program is an effective, robust treatment for patients with major depression who are positively inclined to participate in it.  The benefits of exercise are likely to endure particularly among those who adopt it as a regular, ongoing life activity.” A follow-up study in 2000 showed that patients who maintained their exercise patterns were doing much better than those who were just taking medication.

(2) Psychologist Lisa Libby, Ph.D. and colleagues found that participants in her research were much more likely to vote if they had first visualized themselves voting from a third-person perspective. Visualizing ourselves doing something primes the brain and body to actually do it.