In a previous article An Article for the Never Wrong I wrote about what a relief it was to stop trying to be right all the time and enjoy being human and fallible.

But that’s not the end of the story…

At the other end of the scale there is the question of what you do if you feel like you’re always wrong, or at least if you have what is called an ‘accused personality’ – if something goes wrong it’s always you’re fault. Or if someone has a strong different opinion to yours, you defer to them.

You can work out for yourself where it started. Perhaps you could do no right at home. Perhaps you experienced bullying at school for looking or sounding different and you came to assume that there was something wrong with you. It was then easier to keep the peace and agree with the crowd.

It’s not the easiest subject to write about because there are so many different reasons people feel this way.

But there are some generalizations that can help explain what is going on and some principles you might want to chew on, and apply to a situation of your own.

First, let’s take a scenario: You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. This is a normal response – but what if it is for their own good? What if in order to stop you getting dragged into a situation you don’t want to be in, you have to say something that will upset them?

I think that for some of you the first answer that comes to mind will be “tough on them”. But for those who wrestle with their inner UN observer (they want to say something but feel legally bound – or just psychologically bound! – not to get involved) this article might offer some clues to end the inner war.

So what goes on when you are in a situation that might involve conflict, confrontation or just plain disagreement?

For some people they have a radar out which is always checking to see if something is being said about them. It may be pure ego, it may be that they never learned that other people’s needs count as well – or it may be because they are anxiously listening for something that might hurt them (which if you think about is a completely illogical stance).

This is called personalisation – and if you relate to the above it may be hard to hear but is everything REALLY about you? If you take a big psychological step back – it can’t ALWAYS be your fault. It just can’t. I’m not being nasty, I’m asking you to seriously consider this.

You might also be acting in an over-response-able way. Take a sheet of paper and draw a stick figure in pencil on the left and the right. Put a circle around each figure. The figure on the left represents you and on the right, the other person. Take your finger and touch the end of your nose. You’re responsible for everything under that finger.

Now, erase the circle around you and draw an oval encompassing you AND the other person. That is being over-response-able, acting like you are responsible for the reactions and actions of the other person.

Now, to be fair, our English language can take some of the blame for this.

“You make me so mad”

“When you said that I felt sad”

“You’re the one who caused the bad feelings!”

We have a cause-effect structure in our speech that makes it seem like one person can actually reach into another and make, force, cause-effect them to react in a certain way. As in “you really push my buttons”.

But if you consider people who have not confessed under torture then it seems evident that even with the branding, finger-nail pulling and beatings – THAT person refused to let their buttons be pushed. So it can be done.

In therapy circles this state of mind is called co-dependency. I prefer to be more charitable and called it over-extending personal boundaries. In either case, you need to draw back and be responsible for just your responses. This doesn’t mean you stop caring for other people. It means you stop trying to protect them from their own thinking so they can learn to be response-able and responsible for themselves.

If you think about it, two of the main issues here are authority and ownership. Who has the authority to decide if you have got something right or wrong? Or if YOU are wrong? Answers on a postcard please because I know you know this.

The issue of ownership comes in because you might be refusing to own any opinions of your own due to the perceived consequences. I certainly did this. Because I thought other people had the power to hurt me I tried to gentle’ things along by agreeing with them unless I thought it was ’safe’ to disagree. That was no way to live.

In fact, I developed a number of new NLP patterns to aid me in working through this and you can get them here in the NLP/NS User’s Toolkit.

One thing I find really helpful is to research ideas and beliefs from people you know (and don’t know) who have stood up for their rights, opinions etc. Whether it be grandma or Martin Luther King doing this makes you realise that it’s your thinking that must be wrong, not you.

One of the hardest things to realize is that you can challenge the way you feel and you need to do so aggressively. Because our minds reinforce what we already believe it takes a certain amount of emotional energy to have a ‘breakthrough’. To attain this you will need to ask yourself a lot of questions. Passionately.

1. Is this really working for me?
2. What is the price I have already paid for using these beliefs and styles of thinking?
3. What’s is it going to cost me?
4. Who have I hurt?
5. Who have I let hurt me and blamed them?
6. How much longer can I sustain this?
7. How much longer am I prepared to keep doing this to myself?

The bottom line is that you need to decide: is it good for you to keep doing this?

I won’t deny that doing the self-analysis required can be time consuming. As a Meta-Coach, I can help people get to the root of these issues often faster than they can themselves. But if you don’t have the time, money or inclination to work with another then there are some good books to start with such as Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy.

As for me I can report than learning how to re-own my own thinking and feelings in certain has brought an increase in confidence and motivation. I can only encourage you on to do the same.

Douglas Cartwright is a breakthrough and personal effectiveness Meta-coach who helps professionals get unstuck, start moving and taking action. He writes a series of articles on untying psychological knots and you can get these along with information about coaching at www.livingwords.net

If you are interested in what Meta-Coaching can do for you then go to www.livingwords.net/freeintro.html, read, listen to the audio and contact Doug for a free ‘explore your breakthrough’ session.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

Related Articles:

7 Concrete Steps To Reaching Your Full Potential

Mental Super Powers: How To Unleash The Full Potential Of Your Mind

Image Courtesy of TelegraphUK

It doesn’t matter how self-aware you are, we all get ’stuck’ sometimes.

Usually we’re resourceful enough to find out what we need to know to move forward especially if it’s just information: we read a book, listen to a seminar, search the web or ask a friend in the know.

However, there are some forms of ’stuck’ that don’t go away so easily. Oh sure, they take identifiable forms such as:

• Avoidance of people, situations and tasks
• Bad habits
• Criticizing others
• Procrastination
• Perfectionism
• Negativity

…but what is really going on ‘under the hood’ in our minds and bodies is not so easy to identify from the outside.

We know that something is wrong because of cognitive dissonance – the grating feeling of difference between how we want to be, and how we are. We try ‘just changing our mind’ but it doesn’t work. We grit out teeth and determine that we WILL change. But we don’t.

So we struggle again and again in futile ways to change it: we may even have cartoon-rage-like moments where we struggle, strain, grunt and groan as dust and arms pinwheel in every direction. Then the dust clears and we’re still there – and we haven’t changed.

It can be because:

• We’ve reached the limit of our experience – we don’t know how to move forward
• We don’t want to move forward
• We consciously want to move forward but unconsciously don’t want to
• We don’t know we don’t want to (and someone else points out we need too!)

… and it’s exhausting.

Eventually, we may deny to ourselves that there even IS a problem. It’s like if your mind were a shoe, the problem would be a stone in it that you ignore.

I call these processes that tie us up and hold us back from growing and developing: psychological knots.

Think about a time when you needed to go out, and you suddenly found a gnarly knot in your shoe-lace or belt-tie (for ladies!).

You just wanted to leave, but the knot was really going to hamper you in doing your thing, so you dig your finger-nails in and try to unpick it. But it’s pulled tight, and all you do is succeed in getting frustrated – and maybe a snagged nail!

Maybe you actually go out, doing your best to hide the knot, but YOU know it’s there so you try to hide it, and it spoils your evening because you can’t be relaxed. (OK, perhaps you were never that shallow but you can imagine!)

What we need to move forward are more options, leverage points: ways to unpick the knot and to get moving forward.

With a shoe-lace you can cut it off and get another that works.

With a psychological knot you might just have to put up with it until you know how to untie it.

Below I’ve listed what I have found to be seven key skills necessary for untying psychological knots.

Some of the knots require you to further develop certain skills to do them effectively but I do believe you can start to make progress on all of them by yourself. Every skill does demand that you put in some time and effort to practice it.

1. Acceptance/Acknowledgement

The human mind is not designed to work against itself. And that is exactly what happens when our emotions/feelings flag up that we have a problem, and we reject or deny it from our consciousness. It is paradoxical but true that acknowledging that we have a problem with our thinking and behavior can bring instant relief. It is an act of courage but also an act of wisdom. When YOU acknowledge a problem you put yourself back in the driver’s seat. Accepting or acknowledging that a problem exists is not the same as saying it’ll be there forever.

2.  Re-frame the meaning of ‘emotions‘

Sorry to say but there is plenty of New-Age waffle about our emotions being an infallible guidance system to what we want and even to being successful in life. Stop it now. Our emotions (which people often refer to as ‘feelings’) are simply information from our mind and body about its interaction with the world outside it, and its interactions with itself. If you get enough of what you value – you feel neutral or happy; if you get less, you feel sad. Getting what you do or don’t expect does not mean anything objective about you or your life. Despite what society says you do not have to “do what you feel”. That is what animals do. (Personally, I am not descended from an amoeba.) Fearing our emotions is like fearing breathing – another natural process which we can’t stop so we might as well learn to accept – even when it is uncomfortable.

3. Raise your awareness of what’s on your mind

I wrote about this before but the basic point is that it’s easier to work with what you are aware of. Some people meditate to quieten their minds, some people journal. I use these but also Image Streaming which not only helps you become aware of the images and sounds and words in your mind but also increases your creativity, language skills and measurable IQ. For those who ‘don’t see pictures’ in their minds, this is ideal. It’s like the first Egyptologists shining a light into a dark room full of treasure!

4. List what’s on your mind

The simplest way to know what’s on your mind is to sit down with pen and paper and keep asking: What do I think about x? (with x being the subject) Then, take those answers and ask “What do I think about what I’ve just written?” and keep repeating the process until you don’t have anything left. It can be life-changing. I’ve created a downloadable product to help with this on a more advanced level called Conceptual Restructuring. You can also journal or free-write in which you sit down, ask yourself a question, and then write non-stop for 10 – 15 minutes. After a few minutes of writing the stuff in your consciousness gets cleared out, and you start getting answers from your powerful unconscious mind.

5. Give yourself permission to hear yourself speak

This is similar to raising your awareness but different in that just because you can hear something about yourself, doesn’t mean you are willing to. If you find yourself feeling internal resistance try quietening your mind and saying in your most authoritative voice: “I give myself permission to feel x.. after all, it’s just a feeling, right? It’s just information right? Keep saying it until you feel a shift, often in the chest area.

6. It’s not real….!

Look up the principle “the map is not the territory” on the internet and take some time to reflect on it because I think it’s one of the most important principles in personal development. It is from the cognitive sciences and it basically means that you and I operate from mental ‘maps’ that we use to orient ourselves in the world. Or mental blue-prints if you prefer. And each and every one of us operates from a different view of the world given our upbringing. The AMAZING thing is that because our maps are self-justifying we tend to be “right in our own eyes” despite evidence to the contrary! It helps to ask ourselves “How does it help me to realise that my thoughts are not the real, objective truth but just a model?”

7. Decide you want something new and design it

You might want the help of an expert for this but if you do your research you can gets some powerful shifts of mind. If you’ve decided that what you currently think is not working for you then sometimes it’s simply a case of deciding to think something new. Yes, it can be that simple. Quotes are a great source of material for establishing principles to build on. Or if you prefer specifics, study a book on the subject. Find someone who can teach you practical skills, and fill in the principles later.

Douglas Cartwright is a meta-coach whose speciality is helping professionals who procrastinate get unstuck and start taking more action. Visit www.livingwords.net and get two free e-books and a presentation on coaching along with a bonus ebook on overcoming procrastination.

If you’re interested in learning more, sign up to the ‘psychological knots’ mailing list at www.livingwords.net You’ll get further information on the above in the form of a short How to stop feeling Stuck and Start Feeling Free E-Course

and thought-provoking and practical articles on how to untie some of the most common psychological knots.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

Related Articles:

What is EQ and Why Should You Care?

Words That Heal And Empower

Is there an ‘essential key’ to personal development? One without which the ‘unlocking’ of your potential might be difficult if not impossible?

If we define personal development as growth involving the mind and the body, then ‘yes’ – I think there is.

Without this ‘key’ personal growth is slow, and sluggish. Without learning how to tap into this essential human ‘tool’, change will be sporadic or imposed from the outside.

And I believe the really important part is this: without developing this function of consciousness, all deep change will be difficult.

It does not matter what courses you buy, which ‘gurus’ you listen to, how many self-growth seminars you take. Because this is one thing you cannot do without.

The ability to self-observe, what some people call self-awareness.

Self-awareness meaning the ability to become aware of what is going on in:

* Your mind’s eye (the cinema screen of your mind)

* Your inner ear (verbal self-talk, sounds, talk from other ‘parts’ of you)

* Your feelings (meaning tactile and visceral feelings inside and outside of your body)

* Your emotions (feelings that you have labelled as ‘emotions’)

* Intuition- literally ‘inner-knowing’

If you are not aware of what is going on inside YOU – what your perceptions are reporting to you on the inside, you lack access to vital information. It’s like sitting in a sport’s car without a key to the engine or being locked in first gear.

You can’t change what you’re not aware of.

According to Shelly Rose Charvet in Words that Change Minds x% of the population predominantly think using their visual system. But a common complaint for people learning technologies like Neuro-Linguistic Programming is: “I don’t see pictures”.

Actually, they do, they are just not aware of them.

But since so much of that field’s techniques use the questions: “Imagine that…” or “Remember a time when…” it is useful to understand some ways of accessing that information.

The most powerful way I have found (and I’ve been using it since at least 2001) is Image Streaming by Win Wenger.

This is a process of describing out-loud anything you are aware of in your mind, and numerous methods for kick-starting a ‘stream’ of images in your awareness.

I’ve found that people who ‘can’t see images’ report ‘break-throughs’ to ‘seeing’ in only a few minutes, thereby automatically increasing their access to their perceptions and self-insight (literally in-sight!)

My metaphor for using this technique is like clearing out a partially blocked drain.

At one end is the unconscious that wants to push answers and ideas through to the consciousness. But this conduit is blocked by rust (lack of use!) Image streaming allows you to receive more information from your incredibly powerful God-given unconscious mind.

Another way – if you already see blurry or indistinct images – is to use the snapshot method.

Quite simply, look at something like a rose or a car and ‘snapshot it’, close your eyes and describe as much of what you see in your minds eye as you can. Use only sensory words: I see…red, I hear birds warbling..I feel soft wool”. Then open your eyes and compare what you saw inside with what you see outside. This has the effect of sharpening your visual memory as well.

Benefits

Why would you put so much effort into becoming aware of your perceptions?

Well, if you like ancient advice the school of Socrates had ‘know thyself’ over the door. And if you have habits you want to change then you often need to find what’s making them tick.

The famous therapist Fritz Perls said “Awareness per se is curative”.

Think about it – have you ever realised something you didn’t know you thought, and exclaimed : “that’s stupid! I can’t believe I thought that” – and it was gone. That’s what he meant! The realisation can be the catalyst for the change!

An added bonus, however, is (and I saved the best for last) image streaming offers an increase in measurable intelligence.

Creator Win Wenger had tests of image streamers conducted by Charles P. Reinart at South West State University and the results found that there was nearly ½ point of measurable IQ increase for every hour of use and an average of 9 point increase after 20.5 hours of use (http://www.vth.biz/kb/html.php?category=10#category-10

- CTRL+F and search for ‘Reinert’).

Now, most of us know that nowadays intelligence is not considered to just be linguistic and mathematical abilities – Howard Gardner writes about Multiple Intelligences such as visio-spatial, musical and kinaesthetic.

But Image streaming can help with all of these.

I’ve personally used it to solve problems, get insights, create new techniques and improve as a coach.

In fact, Win Wenger has produced a kit with Paul Scheele of PhotoReading fame called The Genius Code: It has all the directions you need to tap into your ever-flowing unconscious yet brilliant Image Stream.

You can get it at by clicking here and searching for ‘Genius Code’.

If you are starting at the beginning I understand it can be frustrating to have to build little by little each day. But before long you will make a quantum leap and your self-awareness will show you things you never knew about yourself and your potential.

Douglas Cartwright is a meta-coach whose speciality is helping professionals who procrastinate get unstuck and start taking more action. Visit www.livingwords.net and get two free e-books and a presentation on coaching along with a bonus ebook on overcoming procrastination.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

Related Articles:

What is EQ and Why Should You Care?

Words That Heal And Empower

]]> http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/personal-development-an-essential-key/feed/ 11 http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/an-article-for-the-never-wrong/ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/an-article-for-the-never-wrong/#comments Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:06:34 +0000 Douglas Cartwright http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/?p=1121

I never thought it would be such a relief to be wrong but I’m starting to love it. Ahhhh!

Does that statement surprise you when there are so many success texts on how to be, or do things, ‘right’?

Good!

Do you know the pressure of feeling you have to be right? Do you know what it’s like to not be able to stand being wrong? It’s not pleasant!

Maybe YOU don’t but I bet you know someone like that. Someone who has to have the last word!

It might be funny for a few minutes but ultimately it’s annoying. And destructive.

Being unable to admit you are wrong is what I call a ‘psychological knot’. Creating greater openness and being welcome to ‘get it wrong’ can untie you for greater success!

A pastor I know said: “I’m scared of a man who can’t admit he’s wrong.”  Hitler, for example, was that man at one point. Even when everything was going wrong at the end of the Second World War, the films portray his lieutenants saying: “He hasn’t led us wrong before. We should trust him.” Yeah, that worked out. Confidence does not equal correctness!

King Solomon said in his Biblical Proverbs: “Every man is right in his own eyes” and indeed, our brains are designed to reinforce our existing perceptions. If you don’t know that, you’re at a disadvantage and possibly so are the people around you!

Professor Michael Hall (creator of Neurosemantics) says that fundamentalism is: “believing in our beliefs”. He theorises that if every school in the world taught that our thoughts do not exactly or accurately map ‘reality’, terrorism would be impossible.

Because when you know your beliefs are about reality, subject to error – and not reality itself – you open up a chink of awareness that allows for the possibility of then being wrong. Even if just a little…!

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in God and I believe that my beliefs refer to a real Almighty Creator. And I also know that these thoughts exist as beliefs. I believe they are true but unlike some of the fundamentalists I know they are beliefs and may or may not refer accurately to ‘reality’. That is the difference.

So back to admitting that you can get things wrong – why is this such a problem for so many people?

First, there is the issue of linking performance with your worth. I believe our worth is unconditional but if you link ‘worth’ to your work (for instance) when someone criticizes your work they criticise – your ‘worth’.  That makes ‘failure’ psychologically painful, perhaps intolerable and you can take any criticisms of your efforts personally.

Or if, “I think, therefore I am”, then someone disagreeing with your thoughts is making YOU wrong. It’s seems like its just semantics… but few people like having their core sense of self questioned!

That’s why the word ‘failure’ is such a problem for some people.  It’s more than just a word to them.

For others, being ‘right’ has become a pre-condition to be achieved before happiness can be allowed. It’s become like one of those bloodthirsty ancient gods people used to think they had to appease. Some of these ‘gods’ wanted a terrible price to stop them being ‘angry’.

Psychologically, is the absolute need to be proved right any less dangerous? It demands the sacrifice of other peoples’ opinions on the altar of you ego.

In the end it can turn away friends, success and all the things that people want.

Even good friendships are built partly on the ability to influence each other. That mean’s admitting that your view could be different. Once that isn’t present, it’s hard to be around that person.

This is why I have started to stubbornly defend my right to be wrong! I am fallible! Yes, you could be right…. I actually don’t know…

It makes life so much easier. No-one can hold me over a barrel about my beliefs because my self-worth is not dependent on them. And my opinions, whilst I will defend them are (usually) open to question.

So how did I come to this conclusion?

Just getting the big picture on how many mistakes our perceptions CAN make is enough to humble even the most arrogant of thinkers!

It’s horrendously humbling to realise just how fault-prone our thinking is. Since the 1960’s cognitive-behavioural therapists have been identifying cognitive ‘distortions’ which are thinking styles/patterns of behaviour that make us filter our perceptions in a certain way. Here is one such list below:

1. Over-generalizing
2. ‘All-or-nothing’ thinking
3. Labelling – Name Calling
4. Blaming
5. Mind-reading
6. Prophesying – that the future will be awful.
7. Emotionalising-wishful thinking
8. Personalising
9. Awfulizing – Making things pervasive
10. Should-ing – Demandingness
11. Filtering
12. Can’t-ing – Taboo-ing: Prohibiting
13. Discounting – Perfectionism, Pessimistic Thinking
14. Identifying – Identifications of the self with other concepts

Along with this there have been identified at least 60 filtering patterns (called Meta-Programs). Any of these when overused can cause people to get ‘stuck’ in their thinking and behaving.

Does this mean we should doubt every single perception we have? I would understand if you thought it did!

No, but it does mean we could be a little more open to checking out how we’re making our conclusions! The more we learn about how our incredible brains process information, the more we might want to come to ‘tentatively definite’ conclusions. That is, conclusions we are as sure about as we can be – for now!

All of the above (he said ‘over-generalising!) might be a lot to take in. So here’s a thought. When you’re making a decision and you think you’ve made it just step back and ask yourself:

• “What else could be going on here?”
• “What am I assuming?”
• “Do those assumptions have any basis in fact?”
• “Are they useful?”

It’s a good start. Sometimes being wrong (even if just for a moment) is exactly what you need.

If you’re feeling ‘stuck’, and interested in checking out a free ‘explore your breakthrough session’ to get moving, please go to : http://www.livingwords.net/freeintro.html

If you want to learn more about what meta-coaching can do for you AND get a free copy of the PDF Mastering Cognitive Distortions – please sign up on the front page at www.livingwords.net

Douglas Cartwright is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. His is a breakthrough and personal effectiveness Meta-coach.  And a dad.

Don’t Forget To Follow PickTheBrain on Twitter!

Related Articles:

How To Learn From Mistakes

Free Audio Books