You own the code. This code is not a secret and it doesn’t have to be broken or translated in order to understand its meaning. All you have to do is to make the choice to enter the code into any aspect of your life to begin receiving what you want.

Whether it’s improving relationships, losing weight, finding success at work, or making more money, the code is applicable to all areas of life and uses the exact same logic. The code isn’t hidden in a secret vault; it can be found in clear sight when we choose to look for it and then use it.

Getting Past Go

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to getting what you want is to just get going. Sometimes after you make the decision that “I will [fill in the blank with your goal]” you begin to hear “I can’t do it because…”

These self-limiting tapes perpetuate the lie that either (a) you are not worthy to have what you want, or (b) negative self-talk will begin to convince you that you are not able to do what you want to do. The lie begins to win and its power is seemingly too great to overcome.

We are not born listening to these lies. But over time our self-confidence weakens when a parent or authority figure labels us and tells us what we are and are not capable of doing. The answer to the code at this point seems much more difficult to figure out.

We begin to think we are able to do some things, but not other things. This belief in our inadequacies begins to define who we are; and what we will do with our lives.

To change this, you first must change your thinking. Get in touch with the source of these self-limiting tapes and begin to reassure yourself that it is possible for you to do what you want to do. Surround yourself with supportive, like-minded people. Find groups in your community who you can lean on for strength and encouragement.

Replace the lie with the truth to begin the process of moving past go and cracking the code.

Risk Versus Reward

One definition of insanity is when you keep doing the same things over and over, yet expect different results. Take your career, for example. You may feel under-valued, under-appreciated and under-compensated, but look the activities (or lack of activities) you are doing to change this situation.

Are you making it a point to remind your employer of all of your accomplishments? Are you looking to add new responsibilities? Are you looking for a new job?

No matter the situation, we often don’t realize the rewards we are seeking because we don’t take the appropriate risks. Modest risk is sometimes needed to begin seeing different results.

Fear is often times the barrier to taking risks. At work it may be the concern of upsetting your employer. In your marriage it may be the fear of creating tension and distance with your partner.

But if you are not getting your needs meet, what’s the worst thing that can happen? Your partner will resist and the status quo will continue until there is a more significant intervention. But look at the potential rewards if you take the risk and then ask for what you want

Be The 5%

The 80/20 rule suggests in any given organization or group, 80% of the people are mediocre and 20% are truly exceptional. In my profession, 20% of my company’s sales representatives are responsible for over half of all the company’s yearly revenues.

The 20% of any group is usually the nucleolus, the backbone. These are the people who can get things done. The next level of analysis is to look at the 20% of the 20; or the 5% of the entire group.

This sub-set of a sub-set is made up of the people with the most passion and drive to achieve. These are the people who will not give-up and will see any project or goal to a successful conclusion.

Want It More

The folks in the 5% want it more than the other 95%. These people may not be the smartest or the most experienced, but they are the most motivated to achieve. They understand the code to crack in order to have the life they want is to stay focused and to work very, very hard.

The five-percenters are willing to get up early in the morning, day after day, and go to bed late to keep their momentum and progress going. These are the people who “get it.” They understand their will and determination will deliver what they want. It will not be a matter of if, but only when.

To want it more means to do more. To work harder and to be prepared to do whatever it takes to get what you want. It’s one thing to say you want to retire at age 50, or you want to run a 10K race in less than an hour. But what are you really willing to do to make this happen? How badly do you really want it?

Saying you want something and putting forth the activities and the effort to achieve it are indeed two completely separate things. The code can distinguish between the two. You crack the code when you can, too.

Alex Blackwell writes for The BridgeMaker, an honestly-written blog about faith, inspiration and personal change. To receive twice-weekly articles subscribe here.

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Why are some couples happier than others? What is the “secret” for a great relationship? With certain couples it is clear there is something about the way they interact that makes it obvious they have a unique and genuine connection.

Even if you’re in a good relationship, you can’t help but wonder: What do they know that I don’t? And if you’re single, you might look at these couples and attribute it all to chemistry or destiny. But it turns out that people in great relationships live by a few basic rules and they make these rules a priority in their day-to-day lives together. Consider these habits that can help you create a strong, nurturing relationship.

• Great relationships are based on realistic expectations
• Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day
• Great relationships need communication know-how
• Great relationships turn negatives into positives

Great relationships are based on realistic expectations

Forget what you see in the movies or on television. In other words, real relationships aren’t anything like what you see in the movies full of non-stop romance, candlelight dinners and whirlwind trips to exotic locations.

Real relationships take effort, time and commitment. Great relationships just don’t happen because two people love each very much, great relationships happen because not only do two people love each other very much, they also value one another and are willing to make an investment of time into the relationship – day after day.

Couples in healthy and positive relationships have a fundamental understanding of the proper and appropriate expectations for a stable and long-lasting relationship. They understand that not all days will be full or passion and romance. Similarly, they understand that rough spots in a relationship may only be temporary if good communication is present to work through these times.

A good way to look at this is to consider not getting too excited with the very high “highs” or too concerned with the very low “lows.” Both are momentary at best, and will not define the true nature and scope of the relationship over a long period of time. By reframing these extremes, you will be left with the right measure of balance and the right set of expectations to build a quality and sustainable relationship for many years to come.

Great relationships take work and thoughtfulness every day

People who are in successful relationships work on these partnerships regularly. They don’t just set their life on cruise control expecting things to be great all of the time. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner’s life better?” Little bits of effort every day will accumulate over time and make a big difference.

Think of small, specific ways to make your relationship better whether it’s picking up your loved one’s dry cleaning, telling your partner that you’re proud of him or her, or taking over a task he or she really doesn’t like to do.

You should make an effort every day to deposit at least one act of thoughtfulness into your relationship’s bank account. Your goal, however, should not be to make a huge withdrawal at the end of the week. Your only goal should be to keep giving the things your mate wants – either his or her expressed and unexpressed wants. If there are actions you can take to make your partner’s day more convenient and less stressful, then do them. But, again, don’t do them for what you could gain by providing them.

Great relationships need communication know-how

It may look as if people in great relationships intuitively know what their partners need. But the truth is, no one is a mind-reader so don’t expect your partner to be able to figure out how you’re feeling.

When things aren’t perfectly in sync, couples in this kind of relationship know how to communicate. They know that instead of giving their partner a laundry list of what he or she is doing wrong, they can be specific about what it is that they want. They also make an effort to discover what their partner’s needs are. The best way for most people to do this is talk about it.

Ask your partner what things are really important to him or her. Does he want to know you’re proud of him? Does she need to be able to express her sadness over a family or work-related situation without hearing how she ought to handle it?

Too often we get into the habit of coaching and not listening. The best way to let your partner know you are listening is to ask how she or he “feels” about the situation. Once they begin sharing, your job is simply to shut-up and listen. Offer acknowledgments and affirmations from time-to-time to demonstrate you are engaged with what is being said. Only give your opinion or advice if asked.

Great relationships turn negatives into positives

You may have heard the expression: “When you are given lemons – make lemonade.” Overtime, relationships are handed several lemons. The sources for negative feelings and unbalance are numerous. Some are directly caused between both people because of poor or missing communication. Indirect sources of anxiety in a relationship can be work- related or financially based.

When the interpersonal aspect of the relationship is creating the negativity, consider this simple exercise. First, you and your partner must be open to honest feedback. Next, ask your partner this question: “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our relationship (keep in mind the word “relationship” can be substituted for intimacy; support of one another, etc.).

Allow your partner time to reflect and provide an honest reply. If the answer is “Seven,” ask this follow-up question: “What are three things I can do to get our relationship to a ten (if the answer is “six,” you would ask for four things, etc.)? Again, give your partner time to consider their response. It may be hard to listen, because the answers may sound critical and negative. But really, the answers are solutions to turn the negatives into positives.

There is one more critical part of this exercise. After your partner is finished and you have taken in and acknowledged the areas for improvement, ask this question: “What are three (or whatever the number needs to be) things you can do to get our relationship to a ten?”

By asking this follow-up question, it’s putting the relationship back on equal footing and back into the spirit of a true partnership. Except for certain extreme and unfortunate examples, most relationships are successful, or not successful, because of the contributions and efforts of both. Take an honest look at how you are contributing to any negative circumstances, but also be aware it does take two to make it work and to create a more positive and healthy relationship.

When lemons drop from the trees, but you and your partner were expecting apples, begin to make lemonade by creating an action list of what you both can do to get apples next time.

This article was written by Alex Blackwell. Please be sure to visit Alex’s new blog The BridgeMaker.com. Alex’s blog focuses on the importance of compassion and healing in our lives. Please visit Alex’s wonderful blog today!

Image by Nesster.

Commitment takes courage. Many times we are content to stand on the sidelines and just watch as the game is being played. It’s safer there; but there’s no action and no opportunity for success, or growth.

Sometimes we just need to jump into it and see what happens. Sometimes we just need to burn the boats.

The ancient Greek warriors understood this idea. These Greeks possessed an unwavering attitude to victory and commitment. When the Grecian armies landed on their enemy’s shore, the first order the commanders gave was “Burn the boats.”

These commanders knew the power of motivation and necessity. With no boats to retreat to, the army had to be successful in order to survive. As the soldiers watched the boats burn, they knew there was no turning back – there would be no surrendering.

In our lives we need to do everything possible to make good decisions. We may not always be right. But if we follow a process of gathering the facts, analyzing the risks, and creating a viable plan based on the information available, more times than not we will make the proper decision.

However, fear can keep us from moving forward. Consider the missed opportunities in your life. Think about the relationships you didn’t pursue, or end. Think about the career opportunities you allowed to pass by because you were more comfortable with the status quo. Think about the dreams and goals you once had, but are now stuffed down into a seemingly unreachable place. Imagine if you had burn some boats along the way.

A leap of faith is just that – a leap from what you know and trust and to the unknown. Frequently, growth lives on the landing spot where you leap. The question then becomes, “do I leap”; “how do I know I know if I’m following my heart’s desire and not just making a stupid mistake?”

The answer is you really don’t know, for sure. The Greeks didn’t know, for sure, if they would be victorious, but there were extremely motivated because there was no other course; no other way. They didn’t think about the “what ifs.” they only thought about how to prevail and win.

You have the same choice in front of you. Perhaps there is a book you have always wanted to write, or a business you have always wanted to start; or someone you would like to approach and begin a conversation.

Safety nets are good because they can protect you from pain and injury, but they can also keep you from really putting it on the line. The suggestion here is not to do your due diligence or act in a rash manner, but rather once you have completed your discernment process and your inner voice; your inner wisdom, says, “Go!” You go!

Remove the obstacles and the excuses. Storm the shore with the attitude you will be successful. Set fire to the boat that took you there and watch as it lists in the water and then disappears.

Turn around and look forward; look ahead. Leave your fear and regret at the bottom of the water with the boat and begin moving in the direction you want to go. Surrender to no one or nothing and fully commit. You will get to where you want to go. You will be victorious, too.

Image by Visulogik.

If you think about it, your decisions are the only things you are truly accountable for in your life. Everything you say or do is a result of a decision you have made.

In order to improve the quality and confidence you have in the decisions you make, as well as developing more trust in the decisions others make, consider the impact your emotions, vision and needs have on your decision making process.

Manage Your Emotions

Decision making is an emotional event. Emotions bog you down and cloud your ability to make good decisions. Medical science has shown that we make decisions emotionally, not rationally. The data behind this theory points to a small, almond-shaped part of the brain called the amygdala.

The amygdala receives the information before it is passed on to the cognitive part of your brain. The amygdala is primarily responsible for controlling our “flight vs. fight” responses.

Its purpose is to help us react quickly, without really thinking through the situation. This is good if you are confronted by a hungry tiger, but not so good if you are faced with deciding which job offer to take or any other life-changing event.

Based on this theory, science also suggests that 78% of what we think is wrong. Therefore, controlling your emotions and changing how you think is a big contributor to making better decisions. To do this, you must work on your emotional state. If you sometimes struggle with controlling your emotions, try these ideas:

• When confronted with a decision, create a visual image of a blank slate. Your blank slate should be free of clutter or old thoughts and assumptions. Try not to allow any other thoughts or feelings interfere with this image. This blank slate represents your true starting point for making a proper and quality decision.
• Pay attention to your body’s physical clues. Lower your voice, calm down and focus on not making any sudden moves. Stay in control to better control your ability to make a rational decision.
• Don’t get too high, or too low, when confronted with a tough decision. Instead, try to visualize, in advance, the outcome of your decision. Consider what will be beneficial and what might be problematic.
• Practice. Just like refining your golf swing, the more you do any thing the better you will become at doing it.

Create a Vision

Your decisions are also formed by your vision. When you see something, clearly and personally, your opportunity to make a better decision is improved.

Consider wearing seatbelts in your car. Many studies have proven, without a doubt, that wearing a seatbelt can dramatically improve your chances of surviving a car accident. So, why do some people ignore this? The answer may be they have not visualized the outcome of their decision.

If someone you know refuses to wear a seatbelt, ask what he or she think would happen if they were travelling down the highway at 70mph and hit a tree? Ask them to visualize what this would look like. Perhaps, a different decision would be made.

On a similar note, every year around the time for the prom our local high school puts a wrecked car in front of the building. The purpose for doing this is to give the administration the opportunity to show, or visualize, to the students what can happen if they drink and drive after the prom.

This technique is more powerful and effective than quoting statistics which may not be heard by the students. However, they do grasp what a wrecked car looks like and the tragic outcome of making the decision to drink and drive.

Control Your Needs and Neediness

Buying a new car is a difficult decision. More times than not, we become very needy when we smell the aroma of a new car. Car salespeople love needy people. The needier the potential customer is, the better the sales person chances are for making a sale – a much higher sale. Many times, when people are in the process of buying a car they get caught up with the emotional aspects of owning a car.

They believe they need to have all of the bells and whistles like an installed DVD player, leather seats and sun roof. These are really just wants, not needs, but their amygdala is kicking in and the person is about to fall in the 78% again.

When you are needy, you are in greater danger of making a bad decision. Others can sense this and may take advantage of you. Instead, replace your neediness with confidence. If you are not feeling particularly confident, step back and ask what a confident person would do in this situation. This will give you a path to follow.

Good decisions result from good choices. While you can’t control the choices others make, you are in full control of your choices and decisions. Use this knowledge as a source of empowerment and freedom. Better decisions do indeed lead to greater happiness and success.

When both partners begin to settle into this pace, and are comfortable with the adjusted frequency, their shared passion and love for one another continues to be cultivated and refined. However, if one partner becomes disappointed or even resentful of the diminished frequency, then conflict can develop in the relationship.

If you and your partner disagree on the amount of intimacy in your relationship, consider the following:

1. Discuss and determine, together, why the frequency in your relationship has declined. Look at what is happening outside of the bedroom first. Usually it’s the day-to-day activities of work or attending to the needs of the children that leaves one, or both, emotionally drained at the end of the day.

2. Provide assurance. If you are the one who is sometimes left exhausted after the day’s work is done, assure your partner it’s not your lack of interest or love in him or her – you’re just tired and need to recover.

3. Share expectations. Ask your partner how often he or she would like to be intimate. When they would like to be intimate – do they prefer making love in the morning when they are more rested or at the end of the day? Next, share your expectations. You both might be closer to a common set of expectations than you may think. If there are wide gaps in these expectations, make a plan to reach out and accommodate one anther in ways that will not violate your personal boundaries.

4. Realize you are responsible for your own needs. Making love is the ultimate expression of love, connection and commitment. Both need to be in the moment in order for the experience to be mutually enjoyable. If there are times when you want to make love for other reasons, pursue individual ways to take care of this while honoring the commitments you have made with your loved one.

5. Trust and Surrender. In times when your partner is not in the state of mind to make love, trust this is a temporary situation and trust your partner will want to receive you again in due time. Surrender the temptation to promote your needs over the needs of your partner. Surrender to the belief that your focus must be on your partner’s needs without expecting any thing in return. By trusting and surrendering, your needs will begin to be met by a more willing partner.

Couples who talk about the intimacy in their relationships are in a much better position to deal with any potential conflict or pot-holes that will develop from time-to-time. It’s OK to ask your partner to make love and it’s also OK for your partner to take a rain check. As relationships mature and grow stronger, frequency is no longer gauged by “how many times” it becomes measured by the trust and respect one has for the other and the willingness to make the time to give and receive meaningful intimacy.

Alex Blackwell is the author of the blog The Next 45 Years. He writes about improving relationships, sustaining happiness and creating last success. His articles include 23 Heartfelt Reasons I Will Always Be Faithful to My Wife and 30 True Things You Need to Know Now. You can subscribe to his blog here.

How we achieve happiness can be different for each one of us. Our passions, expectations, life experiences, and even our personalities all contribute to the level of happiness we experience in our lives. Some find happiness in their careers while others prefer the bliss found in their marriages or other intimate relationship.

No matter how you define happiness for yourself, there are certain universal and time-proven strategies to bring, and sustain, more happiness into your life. The following 14 ways to live a happy life can be adapted and even customized to fit your needs. Over time, these strategies will become positive and life-changing habits that will begin to bring more happiness, joy and peace into your life.

1. Notice What’s Right

Some of us see the glass as being half-full, while others see the glass as half-empty. The next time you are caught in traffic, begin thinking how nice it is to have a few moments to reflect on the day, focus on a problem you have been trying to solve, or brainstorm on your next big idea. The next time you get in the slow line at the grocery store, take the opportunity to pick up a tabloid magazine and do some “guilty pleasure” reading. Take all that life throws out you and reframe it with what’s right about the situation. At the end of the day, you will more content, at peace and happy. Take the time to begin to notice what’s right and see the world change in front of your eyes.

2. Be Grateful

How many times do you say the words “thank you,” in a day? How many times do you hear these same words? If you are doing the first thing, saying the “thank yous,” the latter will naturally happen. Learn to be grateful and you will be open to receive an abundance of joy and happiness.

3. Remember the Kid You Were

Do you remember how to play? I’m not referring to playing a round of golf or a set of tennis. I’m talking about playing like you did when you were a child – a game of tag; leap frog, or street baseball when the bat is a broken broom handle and the bases are the parked cars. One way to find or maintain your happiness is to remember the kid you were and play!

4. Be Kind

There is no question that by merely watching acts of kindness creates a significant elevation in our moods and increases the desire for us to perform good deeds as well. Kindness is indeed contagious and when we make a commitment to be kind to ourselves and to others we can experience new heights of joy, happiness and enthusiasm for our lives.

5. Spend Time with Your Friends

Although an abundant social and romantic life does not itself guarantee joy, it does have a huge impact on our happiness. Learn to spend time with your friends and make the friendships a priority in your life.

6. Savor Every Moment

To be in the moment is to live in the moment. Too often we are thinking ahead or looking ahead to the next event or circumstance in our lives, not appreciating the “here and now.” When we savor every moment, we are savoring the happiness in our lives.

7. Rest

There are times when we need the time to unwind, decompress, or to put it simply, just “to chill.” Life comes at all of us hard and fast. Time, as do the days on the calendar, keeps going forward at its own natural pace, which is not always the pace we would choose. Fatigue, stress and exhaustion may begin to settle in on us faster than we may think, or notice. The best remedy for this is indeed rest.

8. Move!

The expression a “runner’s high” does not infer an addiction, but a feeling or a state of mind – a state of euphoria. There is no question exercise, or any physical exertion, elevates your mood and enhances a more positive attitude as well as fosters better personal self-esteem and confidence. Indeed, one way to increase your happiness is to move!

9. Put on a Happy Face

Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it. I’m not suggesting that we not be honest, real or authentic, but I’m suggesting, sometimes, we just need to put on a happy face and keep moving forward. Researchers claim that smiling and looking like we are happy will indeed make us happier. Studies further show that if we act like we are happy then we can experience greater joy and happiness in our lives.

10. Pursue Your Goals

The absence of goals in our lives, or more specifically avoiding to pursue our goals, makes us feel like we are stuck and ineffective. The pursuit of goals in our personal lives, in our relationships, or with our careers, is the difference between having a mediocre life or a life full of passion and enthusiasm. pursue your goals and watch your happiness soar.

11. Finding Your Calling

Some find meaning in religion or spirituality while others find purpose in their work or relationships. Finding your calling may be much more than accomplishing one simple strategy for increasing your happiness, but having a sense of purpose – of feeling like you are here for a reason – can perhaps bring the greatest joy of all

12. Get into the Flow

Flow is the form of joy, excitement and happiness that occurs when we are so absorbed in an activity we love that we can loose ourselves and time seems to stand still. What creates flow is unique to each one of us. To find and sustain true happiness in our lives, we must get off the sidelines and get into the flow.

13. Play to Your Strengths

One way to achieve flow is by understanding and identifying our strengths and core values, and then begin to use these every day. Once we aware of our strengths and we begin to play to your strengths we can better incorporate them in all aspects of our lives.

14. Don’t Overdo It

Know when to say when. What gives you joy and happiness the first time may not work the second time. Too much of a good thing may begin not to feel as good if the “thing” becomes more of a routine, or an expectation. Set healthy and reasonable boundaries for yourself and don’t overdo it.

This guest article was written by Alex Blackwell. Alex writes about how to improve relationships, sustain happiness and create lasting success at his blog The Next 45 Years. If you liked this article, you may also enjoy 7 Practical Personal Development Strategies.

Images by Puja, Riza and Naddsy.