It is a common occurrence when someone is trying to take a step up in terms of their diet or exercise regime for unexpected saboteurs to appear. Most often the source of the sabotage is those who we had expected the greatest support from. This includes our partner, our mother or our best friend. Usually they do have our best interests at heart. Regardless, they often advise against what may appear to them to be an extreme or unusual path that we have chosen.
The result of this sabotage is doubt. We begin to question our own decisions. Perhaps I shouldn’t push myself quite so hard when I exercise. Maybe it is ok to break out of my dietary plan every now and again. Do I really want to continue with this fast? I’ve seen it happen and experienced it myself on numerous occasions. The disapproval of others, particularly those closest to us, however misguided and uninformed, can take the wind right out of our sails.
While this issue rears its head most often along the path of physical health it is also not uncommon on the journey of personal development. If you have experienced this problem you should know that you are neither alone nor is it a new problem. The ancient philosophers in their love of wisdom (the definition of philosophy) observed its occurrence in their own time.
It was Epictetus who said, “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” This is because many people are simply being swept along with the flow and the direction of the flow is dictated by popular opinion and “common” sense. Alain de Botton in his book The Consolations of Philosophy elegantly stated that, “the approval of others often forms an essential part of our capacity to think we are right.”
Personal development and growth often does not fit so well into the mold of consumerism, materialism and rat race work ethic that is currently prevalent in society. Quit your secure 9 – 5 job for something that pays less, is more work and looks risky and others will not only think you’re crazy, they’ll tell you so as well.
You may have realized that the pay’s good but the secure job is meaningless because it doesn’t fit your core values. Really it is a vampire that has got you by the neck and is gleefully sucking your soul dry. It’s probably the same for most of the people you work with. Just they don’t have the courage to do anything about it.
Many people resist, mistrust and fear both change and journeying into the unknown. The journey of personal development requires us to embrace change. Growth and change are at the very heart of what we are trying to achieve. Hunter Thompson once asked: “Who is the happier man? He who braved the stormy sea of life and survived? Or he who stayed securely on the shore and merely existed?” Because of their own fear the people on the shore often try to stop those who want to live the real adventure of life out on the ocean.
What you should keep in mind when others knowingly or unknowingly throw up barriers to your progress is that we are each completely responsible for ourselves. It is no use blaming others for your failure to take action and follow through on what you knew in your heart was right. It is your life and however you might like to shift the blame it is you who has to live it.
Socrates, possibly the most famous philosopher of all time, spent his life questioning what was held to be common sense. Socrates concluded that a correct point of view cannot be determined as such simply by whether it is held by a majority, or believed for a long time by influential people. That said you should know that the opinion of the majority being equal to truth is deeply ingrained into western culture. This conditioning dates all the way back to the democratic society of ancient Greece. Democracy is majority rule.
So as you continue to grow and change those currently close to you may begin to resent you and feel like they can no longer understand you. You should be prepared for this and know that it is okay. If it becomes necessary let go of your relationship with love and gratitude for their friendship and move on. Don’t fall into the trap of returning resentment with resentment. This will only drag your energy back down from the level you’ve worked so hard to achieve. Instead consider how they suffer from their own fear and mental disquiet and feel compassion for them. At some point it is likely that you were in their position.
This post was written by Stephen Cox of Balanced Existence.
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It was Epictetus who said, “If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.”
So much truth in this sentence. When you dream big and I mean really big. There will always be others that think that you are foolish to think that something that big can happen in your life. But why not?
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Why not indeed! Was it Ford who said, “Whatever you think, you’re right.” If anyone thinks something can’t happen then it wont happen. In a way that is why I wrote the article. We can be heavily influenced by others and other people may believe not much at all is possible.
Hi
True
And it’s sad how unsupportive one’s friends can be. I’ve been making alot of changes in my life (specifically work-wise) and have started a blog etc. Some of them are really unhappy about the fact that I might be on a path of joy!
I’ve heard that as you grow and change you may need to find new more like-mindend friends.
I believe one needs to be surrounded by inspirational people.
Juliet
Hey Stephen
I just have to go the road less travelled now rather than the so-called safe option. I spent too many years just feeling like my soul was in a vice being slowly crushed. Give me creative satisfaction and insecurity any day over the illusion of security.
The foundation of ancient philosophical systems, both western and eastern, is self-knowledge.
Arguably, one of Socrates’ most famous quotes is, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” His greatest pupil, Plato, made self-knowledge the center of his philosophical system.
Once we are well-acquainted with our SELF, the path to a meaningful existence is revealed and we are then able to see beyond social conventions, or “majority rule,” as you say in the post, and begin to truly understand that our energy comes from within and not from external sources.
“Moderation, which consists in indifference about little things, and in a prudent and well-proportioned zeal about things of importance, can proceed from nothing but true knowledge, which has its foundation in self-acquaintance.” ~ Plato
Hi Juliet,
As I mention towards the end of the article I do think that as one changes through growth there will come times when moving on from a friendship or a relationship is necessary.
You shouldn’t be saddened by this phenomenon though. Behind every action is usually a positive intention. Your friends may simply be concerned for you and show this by trying to guide you in a direction they think is right. Unfortunately what they think may be largely a product of social and media conditioning.
All the best,
Stephen
Wow..This article is so inspiring. I have been going thru a large amount of growth and change recently. I am only 21 and many people my age are so focused on just day-to-day existence and fun. My mind is far deeper than that though, and I seem to find myself having to abandon some relationships that do not seem to have any direction and can even drag me down. Thank you for such a great article.
very inspiring article. i have been plagued by self-doubt for a long time and it has been the number one thing that has kept me from acting on my true heart’s beliefs…when it doesn’t fit with what everyone else is doing, it can truly be a journey in itself to overcome those insecurities and have the courage to follow your heart and to agree to be “foolish and stupid”.
Stephen,
I found this inspiring at a time when I am considering a change that seems absolutly crazy even if we were not experiencing these economic times. I love all quotes that I have read and wrote them down for a little reminder.
“To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s. In the first case you are a man, in the second you’re no better than a bird.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
It’s so refreshing for me to read this post, and all of the great comments. It feels like some (not all) of the pressure has been relieved. It’s a post that I will most likely print out and have hanging around someplace(I know, it’s on the computer..blah blah
)just so that I can re-read it at will and remind myself, during some possibly difficult and challenging times ahead, that it’s ok.
I have very recently set a goal for myself to attempt a career change, at 35 even. And you know, I’m a little happier with the thought today, than I was yesterday.
http://tecthought.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/personal-goal-road-to-becoming-a-counselor/
-Scott
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