How often do you want to make love with your partner? How often does your partner want to make love? Many times the answers to both questions are not in sync. The best answer for your relationship may be found somewhere in between. When most relationships first begin there is high degree of passion and sexual frequency. The newness of discovering one another as well as the newness of the relationship is the primary contributor. Over time this new-found excitement and intrigue begins to wane and a more realistic pace develops.
When both partners begin to settle into this pace, and are comfortable with the adjusted frequency, their shared passion and love for one another continues to be cultivated and refined. However, if one partner becomes disappointed or even resentful of the diminished frequency, then conflict can develop in the relationship.
If you and your partner disagree on the amount of intimacy in your relationship, consider the following:
1. Discuss and determine, together, why the frequency in your relationship has declined. Look at what is happening outside of the bedroom first. Usually it’s the day-to-day activities of work or attending to the needs of the children that leaves one, or both, emotionally drained at the end of the day.
2. Provide assurance. If you are the one who is sometimes left exhausted after the day’s work is done, assure your partner it’s not your lack of interest or love in him or her – you’re just tired and need to recover.
3. Share expectations. Ask your partner how often he or she would like to be intimate. When they would like to be intimate – do they prefer making love in the morning when they are more rested or at the end of the day? Next, share your expectations. You both might be closer to a common set of expectations than you may think. If there are wide gaps in these expectations, make a plan to reach out and accommodate one anther in ways that will not violate your personal boundaries.
4. Realize you are responsible for your own needs. Making love is the ultimate expression of love, connection and commitment. Both need to be in the moment in order for the experience to be mutually enjoyable. If there are times when you want to make love for other reasons, pursue individual ways to take care of this while honoring the commitments you have made with your loved one.
5. Trust and Surrender. In times when your partner is not in the state of mind to make love, trust this is a temporary situation and trust your partner will want to receive you again in due time. Surrender the temptation to promote your needs over the needs of your partner. Surrender to the belief that your focus must be on your partner’s needs without expecting any thing in return. By trusting and surrendering, your needs will begin to be met by a more willing partner.
Couples who talk about the intimacy in their relationships are in a much better position to deal with any potential conflict or pot-holes that will develop from time-to-time. It’s OK to ask your partner to make love and it’s also OK for your partner to take a rain check. As relationships mature and grow stronger, frequency is no longer gauged by “how many times” it becomes measured by the trust and respect one has for the other and the willingness to make the time to give and receive meaningful intimacy.
Alex Blackwell is the author of the blog The Next 45 Years. He writes about improving relationships, sustaining happiness and creating last success. His articles include 23 Heartfelt Reasons I Will Always Be Faithful to My Wife and 30 True Things You Need to Know Now. You can subscribe to his blog here.