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4 Simple Prescriptions to Deal with Loneliness

Nowadays loneliness has become many people’s daily cup of coffee – they sip the bitterness out of it every day. They suffer from what the pure black liquid does to them – it sits people up in the middle of the day, feeling unsettled.

Some feel lonely from living many years alone, becoming isolated that they feel like staying miles away from the rest of the world. Some live right in the heart of a hot tribe, but still feel a foreigner there, detached from others.

As loneliness is often described as a negative emotion, people feel as blue as they are supposed to be, while experiencing it. They feel empty inside, they walk hollow all the way, and they live with a shadowed face and spirit. Loneliness has become a common flu of the modern society. So how does one fix it to reinvigorate their health and happiness?

Prescription 1: Don’t blame it. Even if it’s a real flu, focusing on the the problem does little to rectify the situation. Blaming how I made myself this lonely and miserable hardly helps either. It only emphasizes the point that you are left alone, makes you feel even desperate.

You should realize that whatever result you have right now, is all accumulated little by little from your previous choices. You made the choice, and You are the one responsible for your current life. Accept it, and start changing it. Every positive thing starts with an acceptance.

Prescription 2: Don’t compare. Most of the pain comes from comparing, from our own tricky mind, rather than the lonely situation itself. When reading books, thinking about how spending time with a loved one eating or watching movies could be 10 times more fun, would ruin the lovely moment of reading alone. When walking in an exotic place, imagining only if I could come with a romantic companion, would take away the very romantic moment you are sharing with yourself.

There will be always better things to do, more interesting stuff to play with, if you make yourself think so. By comparing all the time, you make yourself stuck in the vicious circle of never getting happy enough. Stop comparing, try to enjoy the delicious pie in your hand right now, rather than worrying about what if there’s bigger pie or more delicious one out there. Read the books in your hand peacefully, it’s wonderful. Walk the scene surrounds you leisurely, it’s incredible. Whatever you are doing right now is one beautiful thing in the world. See that, and live fully in the present.

Prescription 3: Enjoy it. Nietzsche once said, “Whoever cannot spend two-thirds of the day alone, doing what he pleases, is a slave.”Proper amount of loneliness is good for people living a self-conscious life. When you are alone you will have the room to think independently, without others’ perspectives interrupting, even without you noticing. When you get comfortable with being yourself, you will learn to listen to the voice inside, and follow the personal legend that your heart resonates with. Enjoy the golden opportunity to be alone, to behave your true self, and search the very answers you always chased outside but actually exists inside.

Prescription 4: Tweak while living. Accept your current situation and adjust your life towards a more balanced one, by changing gradually. If the pie you are holding can really be improved upon, experiment persistently till you can come up with a better tasting pie.

Get more socialized, join the groups you feel a belonging to and interact with people authentically. Open up your mind and deliberately meet more people. By the law of chance, the more people you meet the higher chance you have to dig your soul mates out. You can add more activities and social buzzes to your current life, little by little, till you find out the best channel to express yourself and interact with the incredible others.

It’s part of life. When traveling, we will meet some paths that are scenic, some paths that are just blank. They are all parts of the journey. Don’t consider only beautiful passages deserve to be enjoyed, and the plain un-exotic route shall be dead walked. Walk both paths mindfully. When there’s a bright day, there comes a grey evening. Both are golden moments of our day. Live lively during the day, and enjoy the peacefulness out of the night. Every moment of life is living. Don’t live alive in some moments and stay dead in the other. Accept whatever scenario life has to offer, and act the drama out of it.

Although coffee is bitter, it is one of the most favorited drinks in the world. Rather than resisting the bitter beverage, try to blend it with right amount of sugar and cream. Mix it to the perfect flavor that meets your taste and boosts your life. You will learn to enjoy the coffee.

 


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Sandy Xuan is the founder of Journal of Xuan.

 

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  • http://dailybitsofwisdom.com Kyle Beck

    I agree Sandy that when we are feeling lonely it makes sense to embrace that feeling, but I disagree about your statement that people choose to be alone.  No person, no matter how isolated, truly wants to be alone.  And they don’t chose to either, at least not conciously.  I think if others recognized the judgement passed onto loners there would be more people helping them come out of their shell.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      For my opinion, there are no people choose to be *lonely* but there are some actually enjoy living a good parts of life *alone* ;)
      And of course, when *aloneness* is abused, which easily happens, people get themselves isolated and get depressed from it.

  • http://www.clintcora.com Clint Cora

    I think that these are part of the important social and life skills that we should all have been taught in school but of course were never.  If we learned how to deal with these issues while young, I am sure that there would be much fewer lonely adults today.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Yes, and since I wrote this post, I noticed more consciously that there are many lonely adults around me, around everywhere.

      It became the small flue nobody expected to be much contagious but somehow spread so far.

  • http://www.colon-liver-cleanse.com/ Sean

    This article will be perfect for my mother, she can relate to a lot of the information here. Especially the “don’t blame it” part.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      I am glad it can be helpful information to your loved one^^

  • http://jackfoley.net Jackfoley

    Yea acceptance is key. We should mix lonlineess with a loner. I really like my free time and am alone alot but never feel lonely. If you do feel lonely, you must face your fear and get on there with people. Understand though to keep your personaility and dont just get out there to be a door mat for other people. there is nothing wrong with people who like their space..

    Hope this makes sense
    jack

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      It totally makes sense, Jack ;)

  • Anonymous

    Fantastic article here.

    I want to emphasize point #3. Especially the quote you put. It’s absolutely true. If we rely on others and can’t even be alone for a good portion of the day, and we truly are slaves.

    We should instead learn how to live with ourselves, which will in turn make it much easier to live with other people, thus curing loneliness.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      I also got quite touched when I first met with that quote^^
       
      It was the time I was struggling with weather it’s a right choice to quit getting too socialized there, for the sake of being normal.
       
      And it brought peace to me, allowed me to *mix the moderate sugars and creams into the coffee* ^.^

  • http://motivationalstrategies.blogspot.com Cnsolanor

    Whenever I’m lonely, I just shake that state off myself. I found that making myself feel otherwise is much easier by just forcing myself to smile. When I put myself in a state of being happy, my lonely state diminishes almost instantly.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Yes, the *fake it till make it* theory^^
       
      When you want to be cheerful, then you dress yourself up, put the smile on your face, and walk more lively until you really feel cheerful.
       
      You set up all the scene until you really become the leading actor/actress in it;)

  • Ronaldcholmes24

    when ever i feel lonely i just try to reflect on how bess i am in retrospest to all the trails of life that i have already overcome,read my Bible,interact with God and other vital important person that have a great positive impact on my life.etc.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      good choice, see the shinny side of the coin ;)

  • http://www.inseeya.com indian tarot card reader

    Never compare and acceptance is the key.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Yes, acceptance was one thing I felt very uncomfortable to approach at the start, but made me the gate towards an entirely new world -_-

  • http://lifenotion.com/ Alex Mangini

    Love the quote from Nietzsche. I think a lot of people see people alone as a bad thing, and don’t understand how important it actually can be to a person.

    I’m 100% for “me time” every once in a while, and one of the things I love to do to clear my mind is shoot some basketball for a little on my own.

    …there are people who call me a loner for doing this, but it’s something I honestly look forward to.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      I often spend a whole weekend afternoon by myself, organizing my room check off all the chores, and walk around the neighborhood for a while.

      It makes me peaceful :)

  • http://weightlosspolice.com/ Leo

    I agree with point #3 – enjoy your loneliness. It’s the best time to reflect on important things in life, gather new insights and see different perspectives. In some cases, greatness comes from loneliness. Niccolo Machiavelli wrote The Prince after he was imprisoned and forced to live in isolation. 

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Thanks for your nice remind of Niccolo’s story Leo :)

      For me too, most of my liberating thoughts came upon when I was walking alone or staying quietly by myself.
       
      It seemed for beautiful thoughts, we need to give them the room and serene moments to actually speak up ;)

  • http://Mazzastick.com Justin

    Hi Sandy,
    I believe that we need to learn how to be comfortable being alone with ourselves. Many people have tremendous difficulty with this.

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      I had tremendous difficulty with that too and still in the journey of making clear difference between *lonelieness* and *aloneness*.

      And it is definitely worthwhile to explore through, learn to be really comfortable with our own selves ;)

  • http://www.mlquotes.com ML Quotes

    I think people must learn to appreciate loneliness: it’s not necessarily “negative”.  For me, it means having time to write in a journal, practice a new skill, preparing the next day, preparing mentally for my next challenge, competition, etc.

    We all need some “down” time in order to have our “ups” time.

    “Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for”. Dag Hammarskjold

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Love the quote~~

  • http://www.enriching-life.com Enriching-Life.com

    Dear Sandy, thx for this great article! I fully agree on #2 “Don’t compare it”. Our mind so often seeks the thing or situation that is NOT. Although I enjoy “lonely” time and the peace and quiet that (most of the time) comes with it, however it’s important not to have tooo much “lonely” time and get out and about with people from time to time. Michaela

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Exactly Michaela. I also had gone extreme on each side, either became too social or became too isolated, and still in the happy journey of finding the balance^^

  • http://www.higherawareness.com/blog/self-control-start-with-a-life-inventory/ Self Control

    Very good article you have here! Even if you have a hundred of people aroudn you everyday, it can still get lonely. But the ideas you have shared here are very helpful and hits hard. Thanks!

    • http://journalofxuan.com Sandy Xuan

      Thanks for your lovely comment~
       
      The other day, I watched a TED talk. The speaker mentioned his coversation with a very powerful man. The rich guy had about three hundred thousand employees around the world and he’s still seriously suffering from lonelienss!
       
      It seemed finding a few true friends worth a dosen times than having thousands strangers or stranger like people around us^^

  • http://twitter.com/DatingAftrDivrs Dating Coach

    A must read I will highly recommend within my coaching program, especially when we get to the part where we discuss the difference between being alone and being lonely. Thank you for a great article!

    Dating Coach
    http://www.sealthedate.com

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  • holio bananahammer

    I think the first point is most important. I think loneliness stems from regretting bad choices. The difficulty is in accepting your lot for what it is rather than dwelling on past events.

    I can spend days by myself and not even care to communicate with another person, but at times social interaction is like a drug I’m addicted to, and not having it makes for a horrible come down.

  • Danmoffett54

    “I’ve dated since she died. I’ve put my heart out and had it broken.
    Boohoo, poor me right? It still hurts. It seems your never too old to
    make a fool of yourself.

    Still, I would like to find someone to walk in the sand with. To share my life with.”

    Taken from my blog: Loneliness Could Be In Your Future
     http://danmoffett.blogspot.com

  • Frustrated Individual

    First, I have to say that I agree with Kyle. No one chooses to be alone.
    A sure fire way not to be lonely is to have a lot of money. In my opinion, if one has
    money, they will never be alone. Trust me, I live in Las Vegas and money is what turns on a woman. Or, you could be one of the chosen few and be born attractive. I have yet to find a single, attractive female. Everytime I speak with a pretty woman, she always manages to include the words “My boyfriend” or “My husband.” It can be extremely frustrating.

  • Robitailletherese

    I was a social butterfly who ended up in a cocoon after 15 years of serious illness that kept me at home in chronic pain and debilitated by weakness.  Friendships need work and can’t last if there is no more contact.  I did not chose or deserve my loneliness.  Finally I began to feel better but my strength is limited and it is spent going to work.  The people I know with friends tend to call them, see them in the evenings and weekends.  I don’t have the strength yet for that.

    I used to be a control freak too.  I would have said the same thing years ago that you have chosen this through your decisions and just socialize and tweak your life gradually.  I’ve heard that said another way :  “snap out of it”

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  • Tovena Dan

    Lots of fallacies about this article, such as your loneliness is predicated upon your choices. WRONG!!!!!

  • Tyler Lavigne

    Utter delusion. Some people are doomed to be lonesome, like myself. Some of us are just…cursed. You can take that literally or not. I can tell you from experience, I’m 20, and literally, everyone I have ever met in my life is gone. No one has ever stayed around. They all forgot about me or were just using me. Thanks to all of this sickening loneliness, it’s spiraled into a deep depression that I can’t even get out of. I’m now convinced that I’ve been cursed by someone or some thing at some point in my life.
    I’m friendless. Yeah, I have family, but they’re all busy with their lives,and they tend to forget about me too, probably because I stay to myself so much now. Trying to be social would literally just be a waste of time and effort.

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