“Do you know where you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? “ – Diana Ross

We all have our goals and dreams, don’t we? But some of us seem to be more successful at achieving our goals than others. We can chalk it up to natural talent, the right connections or just plain dumb luck. Sometimes those reasons are valid, but more often than not, people who achieve their goals are people who chose the right goals in the first place.

If we really want to be successful in life, we have to choose the goals that are right for us. We are all unique individuals and our goals and our journeys through life should reflect that. If you want success in life, you need to choose goals that are congruent with your values, your strengths, your passions and your desired lifestyle.

Most of us go right to the lifestyle. “Hey, I want to drive a Jaguar and live in a big house like Joe Blow…he’s a lawyer, so I should become a lawyer, right?” Wrong. Joe has the gift of gab, he has a natural gift for debate and he loves to schmooze at the Country Club. You get nervous when you have to speak in public, you hate conflict and your idea of fun is taking quiet nature walks. Becoming an attorney was a natural choice for Joe. That doesn’t mean it will be for you.

So how do you choose? What do you need to do to make sure that your goals suit you, thus virtually guaranteeing yourself success? You need to ask yourself the following questions:

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“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

We are all born with the gift of discernment; a talent to visualize what is obscure. Why then do we see people with incredible talent fail in achieving what their mind is capable of? The smartest amongst us who fail to throw off the bowlines and sail away from the safe harbor baffle me. They’re the intellect without persona to explore, dream, and discover possibly the greatest idea that amused their mind.

We all have our share of great ideas in the coffin, an idea that has never seen daylight. I’m intrigued to explore the psyche that works behind the death of a seemingly great idea. Let’s explore, shall we?

1. If it’s easy then it’s too good to be true

Often, great ideas are simple yet profound in nature. The person who invented the sticky pad must have felt this enigma. The best of intentions die when the desire that provoked the intention is lacking fire. Last year, I had an idea to start a GPO (Group Purchasing Organization) for the hospitality industry. The idea was simple – create an organization of hotel owners and purchase supplies to gain economy of the scale. One cliché I heard from others is that if it is so easy, why has it not been done yet? If my desire were not kindled with a firm belief, I’d have thrown a blanket over this great idea.

2. It will not work

There are ample unknowns staring at us when we throw off the bowlines. Our negative persona kicks in and takes over like a magician. We all have felt passion for a great idea suddenly taking turn for the worst. When I discussed this idea of creating a purchasing group with friends who own hotels, I expected a tidal wave of positivity and encouragement. Instead, I felt as if I was being punched square in the stomach when I heard, “Well, it won’t work.” Often we believe, either consciously or subconsciously, that staying the course is the best we can ever do. The truth can’t be any further than that.

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If you are reading this you probably think about life more than the “Average Joe” out there. This is a good thing, but you should also be aware that your thinking can potentially hold you back – even to the point of ruining your life. How so? The following are a few ways that have been particularly relevant to my own life.

Matters of the Heart

“You don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart” – Jack Johnson

When it comes to love, most people have experienced the feeling of receiving different messages from their head and their heart. There is no right answer as to which one you should follow – ultimately it depends on the unique set of circumstances surrounding your situation. You should, however, be aware that sometimes you need to trust in your heart over what your head tells you.

A personal example from my own life is my relationship with my wife. She is Canadian and I am Australian, and we met at a time when a relationship was the last thing on my mind. I had just come out of a long term relationship and I was enjoying the freedom of traveling in a foreign country with no responsibilities. Upon meeting we quickly became very close, but I had to endure my mind telling me, “Don’t get too serious as there is no way this relationship will last”. It is true that we have had more obstacles to overcome than your typical couple, but we trusted in our hearts and have made the relationship work.

My point here is that the mind will often focus on reasons why a relationship won’t work rather than why it might. These may be valid reasons, but you should treat them very carefully and not be afraid to follow your heart on occasions.

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Ask 100 people for a definition of success, and chances are, you’ll get 100 different answers. Many will be variations on similar themes. Wealth and its trappings define success for some. A high-ranking position in their career field signal success for others. Some will mention their large families including many grandchildren. Others will describe houses on the beach, in the mountains or atop Fifth Avenue buildings in New York City. A few might relay stories of fulfillment through volunteer work or giving to charity.

Baby Boomers Vs Generation X and Y

Each generation defines itself by its definition of success. For men and women that grew up during the Great Depression and then survived World War II, starting a family, keeping house and maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors were the ultimate goals. Societal norms of decorum and privacy influenced their children, who grew up during the 1970s when free love became the new standard of success. Breaking the bonds of societal norms meant that you had “made it.” The 1980s and 1990s were marked by excess in everything. Boomers and their children defined success in the most materialistic of ways. Big houses, fancy cars, big hair, and flashy jewelry were the new status symbols. Everyone worked hard and played even harder. With the turn of the last century, many have begun to reflect on the true nature of success.

Dropping Out and Heading Up

Today, amidst over-packed schedules, SAT score obsessing parents, and badge-of-honor college acceptance letters, some are pausing to reflect on what they truly want out of life and how to get it. Rather than staying on the part hamster wheel, part Stairmaster of the corporate ladder, many are re-assessing, re-organizing and dropping out of the median flow. They are forging their own paths. To these people, success is a state of mind, and to achieve it, one must know where one is going. They know they have achieved success when they realize self-actualization, the highest state of being on Maslows’s Hierarchy of Needs. At this state, one experiences creativity, morality, acceptance, spontaneity, and being all that one can be.

The following are stories of success in this vein. They are stories of real people who overcame odds, re-arranged their lives, and headed in the direction that made the most sense to them, internally, and beyond the reach of the judgments of others.

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The winning side – what is that exactly? To me, it is taking the appropriate courses of action (or inaction, as the case may be) to ensure we are affiliated with successful people and successful groups. One of the things I’ve learned over the past year is that if you want to be successful, you must be associated with successful people.

How did I learn this? The hard way, of course. Over the past 7 years I’ve had to do a lot of networking, both socially and in business. In fact, when I first moved to Arizona in 2002, I didn’t know a soul (except for a few relatives). By identifying successful people and attempting to network with them, I began to meet successful people in Arizona. In other words, I identified the side I needed to be on and then joined it. That is how I became successful in Arizona.

Over the past year, I have expanded my network even more. I realized that if I only associated with people in Arizona, I was cutting myself off from the rest of the country and the rest of the world. After much thought, I did a nationwide driving tour. In a 2 month time period, I visited over 30 states, spoke with over 80 highly successful people and drove 10,292 miles. Since that time, I’ve written a book about the journey and the people (which should be out in the next few months) and expanded my network. All this started by me identifying the winning side and then taking my stand there.

How You Can Learn To Be On The Winning Side

Probably the best way to make sure you’re on the winning side most of the time is to develop the ability to identify the right people and observe them. Watch their actions and learn from them.

As you observe their actions and learn from them, you are positioning yourself to take advantage of the three best ways to affiliate yourself with the winning side. Those three ways are:

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A deadline is a budget for your time. Just like a budget for your spending can help keep you out of debt, keeping budgets for your time can keep you productive. If used appropriately, a deadline can greatly increase the chances you’ll finish a project. But if you misuse them, deadlines can just become a headache.

When Do Deadlines Work?

Deadlines can help you become more productive if:

1. You’re worried about feature creep. If your project has the tendency to expand and become larger, deadlines force you to focus on what’s most important.
2. You might procrastinate. Deadlines can push you through work you don’t enjoy. Without deadlines, some work would always be pushed until tomorrow.
3. You’re outside your comfort zone. Keeping a time limit can force you to push through fears. There’s a point when you are prepared enough and just need to move forward. Deadlines can help you find that point.
4. You need to build experience quickly. Sometimes trial and error is the best solution. It might not be pretty, but it works. Setting short deadlines force you to put your ideas to the test instead of endlessly polishing them.

Those four characteristics are all good reasons to use deadlines. I know whenever I plan a several month project, that a deadline is critical. If I leave the timeline open-ended, I will probably expand the project faster than I can complete it. Often my first step in these large projects is to pin down the date of completion.

Deadlines are also great for kicking yourself into action. If your motivation is running a bit low, you can use a time limit to beat procrastination. My productivity system is geared towards to-do lists that have either a daily or weekly deadline. Without that deadline, it would be harder to get started.

When Do Deadlines Break Down?

Deadlines can be overused, or used for reasons that aren’t appropriate. When you see the impact a deadline has on combating procrastination or finishing projects, it is easy to branch that idea into areas that don’t really work.

There are more than a few mistakes you can make when setting deadlines. Here are a few:

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Often we are our own worst enemy. We make mistakes, but struggle to admit them. In some cases we try to justify our bad actions and motives, only to have our self deception heighten our mistakes.

To grow and develop we need to develop the capacity for honesty and self evaluation. It is only when we can admit where we are going wrong that we can start to put things right.

The following are some common things many of us struggle to admit. Can you see yourself in any of these?

Other’s Faults are Our Own

It is easy to pick fault with other people. In fact, often we gain a subtle enjoyment from highlighting the faults of others. If we are truly honest, however, we will see that when we criticize other people we actually have the very same weakness ourselves. Perhaps we may not make this mistake quite as frequently or as badly, but we still share it to some extent.

A funny example is how frequently people will say things like, “X is such a terrible gossip, he’s always negative and criticizing other people.” We say things like this; but ironically, we are doing exactly what we are criticizing them for! Another interesting point is that often people who grow to dislike each other are often very similar. The faults and personality traits we can’t stand in other people, are often traits of our own personality. I’m sure you can think of two people who dislike each other, but share many similarities in habits and personalities.

We are Wrong

Why can we find it so difficult to admit that we are in the wrong? It is because we worry about our ego and what others think. But, when we avoid the truth we only compound the situation and make things worse. We appreciate people who can admit they are wrong and then resolve to avoid repeating the mistake.

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