“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”– Rumi
One of the most painful ordeals we face in life is heartache from loss of love. Though this is the case, the Universe throws this challenge and others our way so that we can heal certain aspects of our soul. Maybe we have insecurities around our body and need to work on our self-acceptance and self-love, or maybe we have fears around rejection and failure that need to be overcome, or perhaps we need to learn how to better care for ourselves during these difficult times. Whatever the reasons are for why you are experiencing these hardships, you are not alone and you will make it through.
I’ve had my share of heartache and tough times. I realize now that I go through these challenges not only to heal and grow myself, but to also be able to share my experiences and wisdom to help others heal as well. So even though the content of this blog is personal, I am sharing it with you in hopes that it will make this process a little less painful!
In the past year, I have loved and lost three times. I will spare you all the gory and dramatic details, but I basically went through three intense periods of heartache and then the healing of my heart, soul, and spirit.
Here are the lessons I’ve learned when it comes to love, loss, and healing:
- Never, ever settle. Never ever compromise who you are for someone else. Someone will come along and love you just the way you are. There were definitely a few times when I feared the man of my dreams wasn’t out there so the thought of settling did cross my mind. However, I’ve decided to believe that he IS out there because the alternative just seems so depressing!
- No one can complete you but yourself. As a matter of fact, you are already complete, whole, and perfect on your own. You may not feel this way because you have things like negative thoughts, self-doubt, and your ego clouding your sense of wholeness and self-love (more on taming your ego here). So start being happy now by creating the life that you want. Up until a few years ago, I never felt complete because I was too scared to go after my dreams or embrace my higher purpose. Now that I have found that inner courage, I have never been happier and more fulfilled with where I am in my life!
- Forgive everyone. Better yet, find them faultless. One day I was praying and meditating when I realized I had to let it all go. Let go of the blame, bitterness, and resentment towards these men. I came to the conclusion that they behaved in the best way they knew how, didn’t realize the impact of their actions, and never meant to hurt me. And that’s when I realized there was nothing to forgive. So I released it all. Afterward, I felt an overwhelming wave of gentle peace, calm, and compassion sweep over me that I hadn’t felt in ages.
- Thank them. Be grateful for the beautiful moments and memories you can cherish for the rest of your life. Thank them for sharing their hearts and souls with you. I feel lucky to have experienced the passion and euphoria of being in love. It’s one of the best feelings in the world and it was all worth it in the end.
- Practice gentleness, compassion, self-love, understanding, patience, and no judgment towards yourself. It’s critical to take it easy when you are going through heartache or any other disappointment. Cherish yourself during this time and don’t feel bad or beat yourself up just because you have to take a break from your A-game. This was a tough concept for me to embrace because I am insanely driven and ambitious in my work. I would often give myself a hard time for not being done getting over them already! But this mindset only prolonged my healing process. Once I started practicing self-compassion and no judgment, I was able to make it through faster and less painfully.
- Also, try doing yoga to boost your sense of self-love and self-compassion. I had so many profound moments while on the mat: realizations of unconditional self-love, acknowledgment for how strong and resilient I was, and pure gentleness and compassion towards myself.
- Do not resist the emotions. Feel the sadness, the pain, and the grieving. Cry it out and don’t bottle it up! You’ve got to allow the emotions to run their course. Let the feelings flow but fall into into self-pity or “my whole life sucks” mode. Your ego loves to feed on these emotions to make you feel worse, so just be aware of these thoughts!
- It’s okay to take a day (or days) off from life. Do what you need to do to recover, heal, and recharge. Sit at home on the couch all day and watch movies if you have to. There were days when I’d feel so down and uninspired that I just couldn’t work. And then I would feel bad about it, which only made things worse! It’s hard enough going through the necessary pain in order to heal without you beating yourself up over it!
- Shut your ego down. Your ego will want to look back with regrets. It will want to ask the “what-if'”, or “why didn’t I'” questions. e.g. “Why didn’t things work out? Why didn’t I realize sooner he was a douche bag (yea, your ego isn’t too kind is it)? What if I wasn’t so stubborn, would things have worked out?” Make peace with the past, accept it, and move on. Read more on shutting down your ego here!
- You deserve all the happiness and magic the Universe has in store for you. I have always believed that I deserved my dream business and career. But during this challenging time a secret part of me questioned whether I deserved the man or relationship of my dreams. Thankfully I’ve realized now without a doubt that I deserve the best the world has to offer in all aspects of my life, including love.
- You kick ass. Though you may feel “rejected” or feel like a failure because the relationship did not go the way you intended, acknowledge all you’ve been through! Appreciate who you are, the fact that you took a chance on love and yourself, and the fact that you’re still determined to keep kicking butt despite the hardship and the heartache you’ve been through. Keep reminding yourself of your awesomeness so you never settle for anything less than you deserve!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s worth it to wade through the dark places in order to reach the light. You are not alone either. Reach out to your friends and family for support and encouragement. Fill your life with beautiful things and loving people. You are stronger and more resilient than you can ever imagine!
“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.”
-Veronica A. Shoffstall Click to Tweet
Chinh Pham is fear conqueror and life coach helping new entrepreneurs & change agents embrace their passions, step into their purpose, and become badass in their biz and life!